This is my new blog to continue my journey with my Dales Ponies. It will also be the story of my building a new life for myself, alone now, except for my friends, horses and dogs, since my partner died in March 2009. We had lived and worked together, mostly twenty four hours a day, for nearly 28 years and I have never lived alone before. It is a tribute to my wonderful friends that I am still here, still sane(ish) and ready to re-invent myself. I love them all more than words can ever say and can never thank them enough for all they have done and are still doing. It is also a tribute to Alexandra Kurland and 'The Click That Teaches' that I know how to save myself now. To new beginnings.......

Monday, 29 June 2009

A Turning Point?

After our joke fest on Thursday I tried to maintain the same spirit on Friday but by mid afternoon on a day spent alone and in too much thought, depression caught up with me. I had sent a lighthearted text to my main inspiration earlier but suddenly I was sitting in the sun on the garden wall outside the back door with tears streaming down my face and texting him a question about fear of the future. His answer was so profound, wise, beautiful and touching that it took my breath away. I stopped crying in an instant and went inside to write it down, to refer to whenever I need to.

I asked him how, although 15 years younger than me, he has so much wisdom that he makes me feel like a child.

I have read his message several times everyday since and the fear and knots in my stomach that have been my constant companions whenever I'm alone since David died, however much I've tried to ignore or deny them, have finally gone, to be replaced by optimism and calm.

I realised today that I have instinctively avoiding asking very much of Bella and, especially, Jack because I didn't want them to have to cope with my emotional turmoil. Grace is older and wise in her own right and she rose to the challenge of looking after both of us. Now the fear has receded I can go back to working with Bella and Jack again at last. I can also concentrate on following my dreams for the farm.

Deep breaths, go with the flow, phew.........
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6 comments:

  1. Jean30 June 2009 at 01:46

    My heart goes out to you again as I picture you caught once again by your pain. But inspiration and the right words of encouragement seemed to have eased things again. You are blessed to have such good friends.

    And blessed too to have such gentle and loving horses to share your hopes and plans. Grace is aptly named as the angel she is, I am sure. And Jack and Bella are going to welcome your training. Good horses love to learn and a patient, understanding teacher is all they need.

    Enjoy the journey. I hope to be able to follow every interesting part of the adventure.

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  2. Margaret30 June 2009 at 11:55

    I lead a very urban life so it feels pood to be conected to the country in a very small way through your experiences and the pictures of your animals.
    It's helpful to hear how you are coping alone.I too write down any words of wisdom I come across and keep referring back to them.
    Your friends sound wonderful. Margaret

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  3. hilaryc30 June 2009 at 22:27

    HIya, back again from the land of the insanely busy. Am glad you found great words of inspiration from your friend.Emotions seem a liitle like being on a roller coaster, but slowly the hills up and down will get less.

    Alex left today, flies back tomorrow. She has never seen a hedgehog, so decided my mission was to find some. So yesterday we went to visit a hedgehog carer, whilst she was feeding 3 of the 23 she was looking after ( made feeding one baby alpaca nothing compared to that lot)>They were just over 2 weeks old, and we held them in our hands - cute, with much longer legs than I imagined.
    My bottle is ready - got to go and feed Isadora!

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  4. Helen30 June 2009 at 23:48

    Thank you so much, Jean and Margaret. My friends are extraordinary and I don't know what I've done to deserve them all or how I can ever thank them enough.

    Margaret, coping alone is taking a lot of getting used to. We had violent thunderstorms and flash flooding on Saturday evening and I wanted to be everywhere at once but couldn't be, so I had to prioritise and manage as best I could. I was pumping out the yards until nearly midnight but manage I did, all by myself. All I have to do now is to keep right on managing. It's tough but it's getting easier and feeling less strange all the time. David died less than 4 months ago and already it seems like another lifetime.

    Hilary, thank you. I am dying to hear how Alex got on at another certain yard she visited!!!! When you come in October you will meet my main inspiration and his brother, plus their extended families and all my other friends. I promise you will love them all. They are the kindest, sweetest, friendliest, most down to earth people ever born and a joy to be with.

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  5. HorseOfCourse2 July 2009 at 21:31

    Helen, I have passed on an award to you. Please drop by my blog to retrieve it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Helen3 July 2009 at 00:20

    Thank you very much, Horse of Course, that's really kind of you!

    ReplyDelete

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