This is my new blog to continue my journey with my Dales Ponies. It will also be the story of my building a new life for myself, alone now, except for my friends, horses and dogs, since my partner died in March 2009. We had lived and worked together, mostly twenty four hours a day, for nearly 28 years and I have never lived alone before. It is a tribute to my wonderful friends that I am still here, still sane(ish) and ready to re-invent myself. I love them all more than words can ever say and can never thank them enough for all they have done and are still doing. It is also a tribute to Alexandra Kurland and 'The Click That Teaches' that I know how to save myself now. To new beginnings.......

Thursday, 25 June 2009

Living for Two.

After a few really horrible days, to do with scattering ashes and too much time alone without anyone to distract me, I have had a really wonderful day. My driving lesson this morning was brilliant and suddenly I love driving! My instructor is good, easy company and goes out of his way to make me feel successful, and I have found that if I put my foot down on the straight he lets me get away with slowing approaching bends, which keeps me a lot more relaxed and feeling in control. I really do believe that I am going to be a very good, safe driver, despite the late start, and I can't wait to get my Land Rover out on the road. I'm really excited about that!!!!

When I came home to an empty house and farm I was far more cheerful than usual and then began a four hour joking texting session with my M.I. which made every part of me ache from sustained and continued laughter and apparently did nothing for his lines, as he was baling haylage at the same time.

I have had the increasing sense lately that I am now living for David as well as for myself. I feel that I have taken on part of his personality and, as he could usually be relied upon to wrestle triumph from disaster, that I am going to be able to do this and do it well. I'm still worried about all the responsibility I now have but I think I will be able to cope, especially with all the help I'm getting - practical and with morale and confidence.

I said today that I liked someone because he could laugh at himself and it made me realise that I wasn't very good at that before this all happened, but I've had to learn to as I was so hopeless and useless at most things, and I like myself much better for that ability. Dignity and self control are great for dealing with and influencing people in authority but I believe now that it's only by coming clean and admitting vulnerability and how much people's help and affection means to me that I've been able to forge the kind of friendships that just have to last a lifetime as we've all been through so much together. For every ounce of vulnerability and openness I've admitted to I've been shown two pounds back, as friends have fallen over themselves to empathise, confide and connect. Maybe I am just very lucky and I'm surrounded by extraordinary people....

So, I am now living for David and for myself, which means that I need not be lonely or unhappy when left alone with only the memory of his company, and need not be too worried about making and keeping friends, or looking after myself, our house, our animals and our farm. I still find it impossible and too frightening to think of any of it as mine but ours is comforting and manageable, and I'm sure he's there, just out of sight, urging me on, especially on a day filled to the brim with laughter like today. Why would he want to be anywhere else?!!


  1. What a beautiful post! So good to hear you learning little by little to love yourself. Best way I can think of to validate David's love for you.

    Congratulations on the driving. Pretty super feeling to have that freedom to add to the new life you are forging.

    Keep on laughing. It is wonderful medicine for most ills.

  2. People are extraordinary indeed when you let them be. Sounds like you have some wonderful friends who are very 'enabling' for you.

    Your old blog continues to inspire my learning how to bring on my two Highland youngsters. I was re reading about Jack getting confidence from his mat and its making me think.

    I've been doing some head down with them both today, just in their field and they were little superstars. Rory (two yrs)is a rescue pony and I know he is going to need to feel secure when he goes on to later work. Reiver is my home bred yearling.

    I'm going to cue it verbally as 'and relax' rather than 'down' as I think that will help us both.

    How we all link together one way and another!

  3. Thank you very much Jean and Gill!

    Gill, with mine I use both hands palm downwards in a downward motion and crouch slightly myself, to indicate to mine that I want a lower carriage and less energy when I'm walking or running alongside them and they get a bit too 'up'. They seemed to understand that body language instantly and instinctively and always do their best to respond.

    Really must get back to thinking and writing about horses soon!