Living for Two.

After a few really horrible days, to do with scattering ashes and too much time alone without anyone to distract me, I have had a really wonderful day. My driving lesson this morning was brilliant and suddenly I love driving! My instructor is good, easy company and goes out of his way to make me feel successful, and I have found that if I put my foot down on the straight he lets me get away with slowing approaching bends, which keeps me a lot more relaxed and feeling in control. I really do believe that I am going to be a very good, safe driver, despite the late start, and I can't wait to get my Land Rover out on the road. I'm really excited about that!!!!

When I came home to an empty house and farm I was far more cheerful than usual and then began a four hour joking texting session with my M.I. which made every part of me ache from sustained and continued laughter and apparently did nothing for his lines, as he was baling haylage at the same time.

I have had the increasing sense lately that I am now living for David as well as for myself. I feel that I have taken on part of his personality and, as he could usually be relied upon to wrestle triumph from disaster, that I am going to be able to do this and do it well. I'm still worried about all the responsibility I now have but I think I will be able to cope, especially with all the help I'm getting - practical and with morale and confidence.

I said today that I liked someone because he could laugh at himself and it made me realise that I wasn't very good at that before this all happened, but I've had to learn to as I was so hopeless and useless at most things, and I like myself much better for that ability. Dignity and self control are great for dealing with and influencing people in authority but I believe now that it's only by coming clean and admitting vulnerability and how much people's help and affection means to me that I've been able to forge the kind of friendships that just have to last a lifetime as we've all been through so much together. For every ounce of vulnerability and openness I've admitted to I've been shown two pounds back, as friends have fallen over themselves to empathise, confide and connect. Maybe I am just very lucky and I'm surrounded by extraordinary people....

So, I am now living for David and for myself, which means that I need not be lonely or unhappy when left alone with only the memory of his company, and need not be too worried about making and keeping friends, or looking after myself, our house, our animals and our farm. I still find it impossible and too frightening to think of any of it as mine but ours is comforting and manageable, and I'm sure he's there, just out of sight, urging me on, especially on a day filled to the brim with laughter like today. Why would he want to be anywhere else?!!