I think I've been having a bit of a brainstorm lately. I've got a barn full of beautiful, eager horses and 3 lovely dogs who don't get enough of my attention, a barn full of lovely cattle including a very handsome bull, a yard full of fantastic friends, with more friends everywhere I go, and what have I been doing?
I've been joining an internet dating agency for farmers!!! Why? My life is so busy already and I don't want to go anywhere or leave here for more than the odd hour at a time. What do I possibly think that the added stress of trying to fit someone else's needs into my life and time would achieve, for me or for them? I have SO many things that I want to do and to achieve, SO many plans and dreams for the future that I need to work on, SO much to be grateful for and to nurture.
I think that winter is to blame, especially at weekends. The long, dark evenings inside when it's too cold, dark and dismal to do much outside and everyone's gone home to watch the tv by 5 o' clock, which really isn't my thing at all.
For the first time in my life I really don't HAVE to fit in with anyone else and I'm free, but I guess it takes a bit of getting used to and adjusting to, but I can do that. I've done so many things already.
Habit is a difficult thing to break, for people and for horses. Habitual patterns of behaviour give feelings of comfort and of security. The longer established the habits are the more comfort and security they give and the harder they are to abandon. My comfort and security came from being one half of a couple for nearly three decades. I like sharing things and I don't really want things to be 'mine'. I liked them being 'ours'. No wonder then that I feel the need to find someone else but that doesn't mean that it's the right or the sensible thing to do. I have a sneaking suspicion that it would send my anxiety levels right through the roof and I might even end up getting moody, bad tempered, and less sensitive to other people's feelings - things I try never to be.
Maybe one day when I'm old and can't lead as active a life with my horses finding another partner would be the right thing to do but I believe that if I did find someone else now I might end up not following all my dreams and end up looking back on what I might have done and might have made happen with regret - that I was too busy chasing the wrong rainbow and let my dreams slip away, just as they began to materialise.
I feel especially guilty about Bella. She is so super intelligent and so keen to be my soul mate in our life together, and I've let nearly a year of her life go by without me being there with her mentally. It wasn't avoidable but it doesn't have to continue any longer. She's been so patient with me already.
I think that normality is very hard to abandon and change is very challenging, and my normality has changed forever, but the freedom I have now in my life will become normal in time. It already is compared to a few months ago and it really does all depend on comparisons, doesn't it? Everything is relative and nothing is forever. It's time to make the very best of what I have and prove to Bella that I deserve her.
This is my new blog to continue my journey with my Dales Ponies. It will also be the story of my building a new life for myself, alone now, except for my friends, horses and dogs, since my partner died in March 2009. We had lived and worked together, mostly twenty four hours a day, for nearly 28 years and I have never lived alone before. It is a tribute to my wonderful friends that I am still here, still sane(ish) and ready to re-invent myself. I love them all more than words can ever say and can never thank them enough for all they have done and are still doing. It is also a tribute to Alexandra Kurland and 'The Click That Teaches' that I know how to save myself now. To new beginnings.......