This is my new blog to continue my journey with my Dales Ponies. It will also be the story of my building a new life for myself, alone now, except for my friends, horses and dogs, since my partner died in March 2009. We had lived and worked together, mostly twenty four hours a day, for nearly 28 years and I have never lived alone before. It is a tribute to my wonderful friends that I am still here, still sane(ish) and ready to re-invent myself. I love them all more than words can ever say and can never thank them enough for all they have done and are still doing. It is also a tribute to Alexandra Kurland and 'The Click That Teaches' that I know how to save myself now. To new beginnings.......

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Wasting Time.

I think I've been having a bit of a brainstorm lately. I've got a barn full of beautiful, eager horses and 3 lovely dogs who don't get enough of my attention, a barn full of lovely cattle including a very handsome bull, a yard full of fantastic friends, with more friends everywhere I go, and what have I been doing?

I've been joining an internet dating agency for farmers!!! Why? My life is so busy already and I don't want to go anywhere or leave here for more than the odd hour at a time. What do I possibly think that the added stress of trying to fit someone else's needs into my life and time would achieve, for me or for them? I have SO many things that I want to do and to achieve, SO many plans and dreams for the future that I need to work on, SO much to be grateful for and to nurture.

I think that winter is to blame, especially at weekends. The long, dark evenings inside when it's too cold, dark and dismal to do much outside and everyone's gone home to watch the tv by 5 o' clock, which really isn't my thing at all.

For the first time in my life I really don't HAVE to fit in with anyone else and I'm free, but I guess it takes a bit of getting used to and adjusting to, but I can do that. I've done so many things already.

Habit is a difficult thing to break, for people and for horses. Habitual patterns of behaviour give feelings of comfort and of security. The longer established the habits are the more comfort and security they give and the harder they are to abandon. My comfort and security came from being one half of a couple for nearly three decades. I like sharing things and I don't really want things to be 'mine'. I liked them being 'ours'. No wonder then that I feel the need to find someone else but that doesn't mean that it's the right or the sensible thing to do. I have a sneaking suspicion that it would send my anxiety levels right through the roof and I might even end up getting moody, bad tempered, and less sensitive to other people's feelings - things I try never to be.

Maybe one day when I'm old and can't lead as active a life with my horses finding another partner would be the right thing to do but I believe that if I did find someone else now I might end up not following all my dreams and end up looking back on what I might have done and might have made happen with regret - that I was too busy chasing the wrong rainbow and let my dreams slip away, just as they began to materialise.

I feel especially guilty about Bella. She is so super intelligent and so keen to be my soul mate in our life together, and I've let nearly a year of her life go by without me being there with her mentally. It wasn't avoidable but it doesn't have to continue any longer. She's been so patient with me already.

I think that normality is very hard to abandon and change is very challenging, and my normality has changed forever, but the freedom I have now in my life will become normal in time. It already is compared to a few months ago and it really does all depend on comparisons, doesn't it? Everything is relative and nothing is forever. It's time to make the very best of what I have and prove to Bella that I deserve her.


  1. Indoor-school that is the answer. so you can train after the dark AND people will stay around, and then you will have meals in the evening, instead of people going home to watch TV, that is what happens at our yard.

    For a man. Boh? It is only 10 years I am leaving with somebody but I also lived for 12 yrs alone. I missed it, I am quite happy when my hubby goes away ski-ing, in fact I kicked him out of the house .... In my case I find hard to think in two, I can for my son, but I am not interested to share nuch with hubby. I guess it is our family life who keep us together. If/when my son goes on to his own life, I doubt we will saty together, as much we like each other.

  2. Wise words Helen,
    You have more or less sumerised my thoughts. You dont have to go for the big romance,just a few new mates to have a laugh with and the occasional dinner date!
    Its supposed to be fun!

  3. Thank you very much, Muriel. In this country you have to be VERY rich or have a VERY big yard to be able to afford an indoor school, Muriel, fantastic though that would be!

    Thank you very much too, Janette. The thing is I already have loads of mates, male and female, to have a laugh with and to go out with, though I know you can never have too many.

    I'm a romantic by nature and what I don't have is a big romance, but I'm just not sure that it would be worth the price anyway, even if I found one!!!!!!!

  4. An indoor school does not need to be made of brick and mortar. Here we have two strong seasons, winter and summer, it is almost impossible to work outside, too cold, too muddy ground, or too hot and too hard ground. So a indoor-school is a necessity if you are schooling.
    In your case it could be a 18m round-pen with a tent covering the lot. I am sure your farmer friends could build something. Anyway, you need a round-pen for your vaulting!
    Also for building a brick and mortar school you will need a permit ... THAT is difficult more than finding the money to build the school!!!!

  5. Muriel, you are absolutely brilliant!!!!! Thank you SO much for that suggestion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    What I'd really like is to have some sort of equine theatre here some day. A big top type affair might be just the thing.

    It is very windy here at times though so I'll have to think very carefully about it, but thank you SO much again, Muriel, you are a darling!!!!!

  6. I can quite see how time has opened up for you, for good or ill.

    As half of a couple I know how much of my life is made up of fitting in with someone else, compromising, stepping back, not doing what I might, this without even adding in family, all beit grown up children. I am not complaining this is my choice, just how things are for me. I know I am too passive.

    It must be scary to be launched into being for yourself all the time. I continue to admire you. Don't underestimate what you have acheived and how strong you are.