The dentist came to do my horse's teeth yesterday. I haven't seen him for a year and he was saying how long a year is in people's lives and how much their lives can change in that time. He also told me that he and his wife have been together for 12 years and are hardly ever apart but she is going away for the weekend and how strange and lonely it will be, spending it alone, albeit with their four dogs. I love it when people admit things like that to me because it makes me feel more normal.
He also said that a dog of his had died in similar circumstances to David and that he thought watching a person die like that could be enough to unhinge someone, which again made me feel more rational and normal. I replied that it did just about unhinge me but plenty of people go through similar or worse scenarios and survive more or less intact. I have too.
When we came to rasping Bella and Jack's teeth I told him that they both get a bit bargy when they're worried and I'd found that the easiest way to get their teeth done was over the door as neither of them ever thinks of pulling back or rearing, they just push forward which is not a problem if there's a door or gate for them to lean on. He was a bit dubious but tried it and got them both done without any problems.
He said that he would never have thought of trying that as he would have assumed that most horses would just shoot backwards out of reach. I told him that Dales like to be different and he said that would be a great slogan! I thought that was a fantastic idea and it will be our slogan from now on!!! I'm going to get a T shirt and sweatshirt printed with it on!!
I've been collecting even more people. I have a possible lodger and a definite tenant for a mobile home if I can find one at an affordable price. He is a qualified plumber but comes alive when playing with diesel engines in the open air and is willing and more than able to turn his hand to just about anything that needs doing around here - fencing, building repairs and maintenance, lighting, and of course tractor, Land Rover and farm machinery maintenance. He has had to move back in with his parents and longs for his own space and a bit of freedom, plus some countryside and fresh air.
My possible lodger is keen to learn all these skills too but at the moment he is as clueless as I am, so hopefully we can both learn from him. There are so many jobs around here that are nothing jobs for two people but a nightmare on my own - even the ones I know how to do!!! The loader tractor, which is unreliable at the best of times, breaking down in the winter would mean that I'd be struggling to get the cattle fed and I can't keep asking my farmer friends to bale me out every five minutes. They have their own farm and families to worry about. If I had someone here I could rely on to keep the tractor running and help out in general when needed I could be much more relaxed about life, while I learn how to do all these things myself. I have looked for a tractor or vehicle maintenance course but there's absolutely nothing around here.
My possible lodger's girlfriend keeps her horse here and told me the other day that I needn't worry about being lonely anymore as I have all of them now. She went back to university today and I miss her already.
Guinness, Tammy and Morris's owner, who is a really great friend of mine, told me that her younger daughter, who is 8 years old, has started carrying a photo of Maurice to school with her. When asked why she replied that she misses him during the day, so likes to get his picture out to look at. She also gives her mum the third degree if she comes up to get them in without her "Did you put Maurice's pajamas on? Did you plait his tail up? Did he eat his tea? Is he alright?" It made me want to get back there again - to loving my horses more than anything else and letting them fill the emotional void I have. I'm still not being fair to them or giving them enough of my attention. I'm still "looking to people for the answers instead of to my horses", as Alexandra Kurland would say. She uses the phrase in a different context but, as she also says "Everything is everything else". I used to be just like that 8 year old and I want to be again, instead of this obsessive desire to be with people all of the time.
I guess the positive of this is it's giving me a real insight into what it's like to be a herd bound horse left alone with humans for some of the time. That's not very relevant with my own horses as my Dales are very independent and not very sociable with other horses - they prefer human company. That's quite tough for them at the moment as they don't get anywhere near as much of mine as they used to and I must start to turn that around, for my sake and for theirs.
Someone from Sweden emailed me today, about my blogs and my post on The Click That Teaches Discussion Group and it made me cry. She said she knows all about anxiety and depression, and feeling worthless, and that I was a hero of hers. I've had the gnawing anxiety back again a bit today, all to do with having some furniture and bric a braque taken away that I didn't even like, so I felt a bit of a fraud reading it but am very touched and humbled. She lit up a difficult day and I'm really grateful to her for everything she said and for sending me some pictures of her beautiful horses.
While the stuff was being loaded onto a lorry parked next to us I stood watching my new plumber friend repairing some guttering on a stable. I didn't think I was giving anything away about how I was feeling but, although he is usually very quiet and shy, he kept talking to me and stayed close by. He said afterwards that it must be horrible seeing things taken away. I said not horrible, just weird. I don't know him very well yet but I was very glad of his company and his insight.
Perhaps people do have some of the answers, for me, after all.
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Saturday, 26 September 2009
Photo Gallery of the Horses.
Here are some photos of the horses here. If you click on any of the photos you can see the large, or in some cases the enormous version!
First is Denny and Crystal, who have recently been introduced:
My Four Hooligans, Russell, 14.2 hands and 21yo, part bred Welsh Cob who I bred and saw born, Bella, Jack and Grace:
Maurice, who is an 11.2 hand Welsh Section A, about 18 years old. He was a free gift to his owner as he had a lot of attitude but he is fast turning into an excellent child's pony:
Maurice's fieldmate, Joy, who keeps him firmly in his place and stops him getting too cocky. Joy is about 15.2 hands and a part bred Welsh Cob. She is about 13yo and has had laminitis so is on restricted grazing. She is regularly ridden and is very well behaved but is claustrophobic and hates being in a stable:
Sapphire, who is a 15.2 hand 4yo and a TB/Warmblood cross.
Chantal, who is 14.2 hands and 27yo. She is an Arab and is very arthritic but is happy to potter about with small children on her back and is totally trustworthy on or off the lead rein:
Rush, who is 14.1 hands and 4yo. She is being trained for Western riding and is not too happy about it. She is developing a bad attitude to work and to her owner but I'm not sure he has the patience for clicker training:
Woody and Rupert, the newest arrivals. Woody is a 15.1 hands 6yo Welsh Cob who is ridden Western style and Rupert is an elderly very small pony of indeterminate breeding. He was bought from the gypsies at the side of the road. He is very quiet and an excellent child's pony. They have both had laminitis fairly recently and are both on strict diets as they are both badly overweight:
Tammy, the chestnut, who is about 16 hands and 23yo. She is very arthritic and possibly has Cushings Disease. She is retired. The bay is Hettie. She is 15.2 hands, 17yo and a part bred Shire. She had an accident to her hind leg a couple of years ago and, despite an operation, is not 100% sound. They make ideal companions for each other as they both just want a quiet, peaceful life:
Guinness, the grey, who is about 15.2 hands and 17yo. He and his owner had totally lost confidence in each other when he first arrived and he had become very wound up and nappy. He is a total clicker training success story as he is unrecognisable from the horse who came here just 4 months ago. He is calm, relaxed and happy, and so is his owner! Tom is 23 yo, 15 hands and an ex driving horse who was delivering coal in Dublin when he was 3yo. He wasn't gelded until he was 4yo and is very macho with other horses. The mares all love him. He had problems with his shoulder which ended his driving career but he is lightly ridden still, which he loves, and he is anyone's ride, as he has seen everything and has the 'T' shirt! He has lived here since he was 5yo.
First is Denny and Crystal, who have recently been introduced:
My Four Hooligans, Russell, 14.2 hands and 21yo, part bred Welsh Cob who I bred and saw born, Bella, Jack and Grace:
Maurice, who is an 11.2 hand Welsh Section A, about 18 years old. He was a free gift to his owner as he had a lot of attitude but he is fast turning into an excellent child's pony:
Maurice's fieldmate, Joy, who keeps him firmly in his place and stops him getting too cocky. Joy is about 15.2 hands and a part bred Welsh Cob. She is about 13yo and has had laminitis so is on restricted grazing. She is regularly ridden and is very well behaved but is claustrophobic and hates being in a stable:
Sapphire, who is a 15.2 hand 4yo and a TB/Warmblood cross.
Chantal, who is 14.2 hands and 27yo. She is an Arab and is very arthritic but is happy to potter about with small children on her back and is totally trustworthy on or off the lead rein:
Rush, who is 14.1 hands and 4yo. She is being trained for Western riding and is not too happy about it. She is developing a bad attitude to work and to her owner but I'm not sure he has the patience for clicker training:
Woody and Rupert, the newest arrivals. Woody is a 15.1 hands 6yo Welsh Cob who is ridden Western style and Rupert is an elderly very small pony of indeterminate breeding. He was bought from the gypsies at the side of the road. He is very quiet and an excellent child's pony. They have both had laminitis fairly recently and are both on strict diets as they are both badly overweight:
Tammy, the chestnut, who is about 16 hands and 23yo. She is very arthritic and possibly has Cushings Disease. She is retired. The bay is Hettie. She is 15.2 hands, 17yo and a part bred Shire. She had an accident to her hind leg a couple of years ago and, despite an operation, is not 100% sound. They make ideal companions for each other as they both just want a quiet, peaceful life:
Guinness, the grey, who is about 15.2 hands and 17yo. He and his owner had totally lost confidence in each other when he first arrived and he had become very wound up and nappy. He is a total clicker training success story as he is unrecognisable from the horse who came here just 4 months ago. He is calm, relaxed and happy, and so is his owner! Tom is 23 yo, 15 hands and an ex driving horse who was delivering coal in Dublin when he was 3yo. He wasn't gelded until he was 4yo and is very macho with other horses. The mares all love him. He had problems with his shoulder which ended his driving career but he is lightly ridden still, which he loves, and he is anyone's ride, as he has seen everything and has the 'T' shirt! He has lived here since he was 5yo.
Friday, 25 September 2009
Anxiety and Reassurance.
I never really knew what anxiety felt like until a few months ago. For the last 28 years I had always felt safe and cared for but now I'm only too familiar with it. It was almost constant just after David died and was probably the reason I couldn't eat at all for a while. It's a feeling of intense dread, as though something terrible is going to happen unless I do something to avert it, which is tricky when the dreadful thing has already happened. It affects my breathing and it's almost as though I forget to breath and have to keep taking lots of deep breaths to try to minimise the gut wrenching effects of it.
I thought I'd shaken it off completely now so it was a huge disappointment when it crept up on me again a couple of days ago. It never happens now if I'm with other people and it only sneaks up on me when I'm alone.
I fight back by going a bit hyper and throwing myself into anything suitably challenging that will give me a high if I can master it, or by texting a friend who always makes me feel safe just by replying. I don't really know why, or why only he can do this for me, but I think it's because he has a stillness and calmness about him that's very soothing, plus I know he will always tell me the truth as he sees it, even if it's difficult to hear, if he thinks it's in my best interest to be told. I trust him implicitly never to just humour me or spare me. I use texting because I'm better at explaining things in writing and can tell him things I'd be too embarrassed to say face to face, or even on the phone. Some of the things I've told him make me wonder how I look him in the eye but no matter how insane my messages sound he always understands and now knows me better than I know myself.
When anxiety struck this time I was too tired for the hyper strategy so I asked him if everything going on here looked OK to him, because I still felt as if I wasn't doing enough or trying hard enough somehow. He reassured me and I immediately felt better.
It's what I try to do with my horses, now I know how it feels to be anxious and know what sort of person I need to make me feel safe. I try to copy his calmness and stillness and it has been hugely helpful to me when dealing with nervous horses. It's almost like a martial arts type quality - a grounding and centering - real emotional control and stability, combined with tremendous sympathy and empathy.
That same evening I watched a programme on the television about two soldiers wounded in Afghanistan and their rehabilitation. One particularly touched and inspired me. He had lost both legs above the knee and one arm, and yet he was SO cheerful and positive. It made me feel ashamed. I have everything going for me and nothing to complain about. Putting up with a small and ever decreasing amount of anxiety is such a tiny thing to have to bear. I hope I can remember him next time I feel it coming on and just brush it aside and ignore it as the triviality it is.
The fact that I watched this programme is a step forward too, as for some reason watching the television used to bring on anxiety, as did listening to the radio. That seems to have gone now too and I'm starting to watch the programmes we used to love again but I would never rush in to watch anything anymore. I'd rather be outside with people and horses. I am very, very lucky because I have plenty of both here to keep me company now.
I text the designer of the Inky Dinky Saddle to tell her how delighted I am with it and how, when the children told me how comfortable it is, I just had to have a sit in it myself. She asked me if I'd write a testimonial for her new website, with photos if possible. I said it would be an honour and asked if she'd like one of a 52yo sitting in it as well, for comic effect, and she said yes! I told her only on the condition that it had the caption under it "The Biggest Kid of the Lot"! Her reply was "absolutely"!!!!
I thought I'd shaken it off completely now so it was a huge disappointment when it crept up on me again a couple of days ago. It never happens now if I'm with other people and it only sneaks up on me when I'm alone.
I fight back by going a bit hyper and throwing myself into anything suitably challenging that will give me a high if I can master it, or by texting a friend who always makes me feel safe just by replying. I don't really know why, or why only he can do this for me, but I think it's because he has a stillness and calmness about him that's very soothing, plus I know he will always tell me the truth as he sees it, even if it's difficult to hear, if he thinks it's in my best interest to be told. I trust him implicitly never to just humour me or spare me. I use texting because I'm better at explaining things in writing and can tell him things I'd be too embarrassed to say face to face, or even on the phone. Some of the things I've told him make me wonder how I look him in the eye but no matter how insane my messages sound he always understands and now knows me better than I know myself.
When anxiety struck this time I was too tired for the hyper strategy so I asked him if everything going on here looked OK to him, because I still felt as if I wasn't doing enough or trying hard enough somehow. He reassured me and I immediately felt better.
It's what I try to do with my horses, now I know how it feels to be anxious and know what sort of person I need to make me feel safe. I try to copy his calmness and stillness and it has been hugely helpful to me when dealing with nervous horses. It's almost like a martial arts type quality - a grounding and centering - real emotional control and stability, combined with tremendous sympathy and empathy.
That same evening I watched a programme on the television about two soldiers wounded in Afghanistan and their rehabilitation. One particularly touched and inspired me. He had lost both legs above the knee and one arm, and yet he was SO cheerful and positive. It made me feel ashamed. I have everything going for me and nothing to complain about. Putting up with a small and ever decreasing amount of anxiety is such a tiny thing to have to bear. I hope I can remember him next time I feel it coming on and just brush it aside and ignore it as the triviality it is.
The fact that I watched this programme is a step forward too, as for some reason watching the television used to bring on anxiety, as did listening to the radio. That seems to have gone now too and I'm starting to watch the programmes we used to love again but I would never rush in to watch anything anymore. I'd rather be outside with people and horses. I am very, very lucky because I have plenty of both here to keep me company now.
I text the designer of the Inky Dinky Saddle to tell her how delighted I am with it and how, when the children told me how comfortable it is, I just had to have a sit in it myself. She asked me if I'd write a testimonial for her new website, with photos if possible. I said it would be an honour and asked if she'd like one of a 52yo sitting in it as well, for comic effect, and she said yes! I told her only on the condition that it had the caption under it "The Biggest Kid of the Lot"! Her reply was "absolutely"!!!!
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Crystal's First Show with Us.
Crystal was a little angel at the show today. She is a total pro and knows the job inside out. Her 10 year old handler had never taken a pony in the ring before but did a superb job and followed instructions to the letter, with three generations of her family cheering them on and wearing a waistcoat especially made for her by her grandmother who was watching too.
She came 3rd in quite a big class in the Junior Handler and then, spurred on by her success, she took their own pony, who has been a bit of a character in the past, in the Unregistered Mountain and Moorland. Her family were waiting for disater to strike but Maurice was perfectly behaved and completely relaxed, showed himself off beautifully and came 5th. She was so delighted to win 2 rosettes at her very first show.
I took Crystal in the Registered Moutain and Moorland and came 5th too. The judge told me she was too quiet and needed waking up a bit. I replied that she was just the way I wanted her to be, as a pony for small children to ride, and I wouldn't change a single thing about her. I have SO got the right pony for the job and she is worth her weight in gold to me!
Her handler's sister rode her round to the show and home again and I had people asking about the Inky Dinky Saddle. I told them how wonderful it is and how to find the website.
We all had such a brilliant day and all came home together exausted but very happy. The two girls and their mum said that competing at the show had always been their dream. Now they've not only done that but won rossetes too!!! We are already planning some ridden classes for them next year. I enjoyed watching and helping the girls far more than doing it myself, giving them thumbs up from outside the ring and taking loads of photos. I waa so proud of them all today and they all looked like they did this sort of thing every day of the week. To be part of their joy and elation was a real privilige and I loved every second of it!
When we got home one of my farmer friends was here with his daughter and we managed to get some tractor jobs done and did some planning on what we are tackling next. He hates to see me spending money on anything and tries to find a way for them to get everything done for me, which is incredibly kind of them both but I worry all the time that they do too much here for nothing, when they're not big wage earners either. I haven't even managed to get a bill out of them for doing the hay and haylage yet! I keep telling them that I'll spend it all on buying small ponies if they don't produce one soon!!!!
He reminded me that just a couple of months ago I was telling him that I would never get the hang of driving and would have to get a motor bike. I was SUCH a drama queen!!!!
Here are the photos from today. The grey is the girls pony, Maurice, who lives here too.
She came 3rd in quite a big class in the Junior Handler and then, spurred on by her success, she took their own pony, who has been a bit of a character in the past, in the Unregistered Mountain and Moorland. Her family were waiting for disater to strike but Maurice was perfectly behaved and completely relaxed, showed himself off beautifully and came 5th. She was so delighted to win 2 rosettes at her very first show.
I took Crystal in the Registered Moutain and Moorland and came 5th too. The judge told me she was too quiet and needed waking up a bit. I replied that she was just the way I wanted her to be, as a pony for small children to ride, and I wouldn't change a single thing about her. I have SO got the right pony for the job and she is worth her weight in gold to me!
Her handler's sister rode her round to the show and home again and I had people asking about the Inky Dinky Saddle. I told them how wonderful it is and how to find the website.
We all had such a brilliant day and all came home together exausted but very happy. The two girls and their mum said that competing at the show had always been their dream. Now they've not only done that but won rossetes too!!! We are already planning some ridden classes for them next year. I enjoyed watching and helping the girls far more than doing it myself, giving them thumbs up from outside the ring and taking loads of photos. I waa so proud of them all today and they all looked like they did this sort of thing every day of the week. To be part of their joy and elation was a real privilige and I loved every second of it!
When we got home one of my farmer friends was here with his daughter and we managed to get some tractor jobs done and did some planning on what we are tackling next. He hates to see me spending money on anything and tries to find a way for them to get everything done for me, which is incredibly kind of them both but I worry all the time that they do too much here for nothing, when they're not big wage earners either. I haven't even managed to get a bill out of them for doing the hay and haylage yet! I keep telling them that I'll spend it all on buying small ponies if they don't produce one soon!!!!
He reminded me that just a couple of months ago I was telling him that I would never get the hang of driving and would have to get a motor bike. I was SUCH a drama queen!!!!
Here are the photos from today. The grey is the girls pony, Maurice, who lives here too.
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Busy, Busy, Busy!!!!
I've had a very busy few days. I had to go to the Probate meeting on Friday which was in a city centre. I didn't fancy trying to park the Landy and didn't really know where I was going so took a taxi instead. The taxi driver drove me to the hospital many times in February and March and I hadn't seen him since. His wife worked in the doctors surgery that David went to and so he knew that David had died. He was great company then and now, and very kind and understanding. I invited him and his wife to the party and I think they'll come.
The two new horses arrived late last night. They are a chestnut Welsh Cob with a flaxen mane and tail who drives and does Western, and the cutest little companion pony called Rupert, who loves childen and lots of fuss. They both settled in straight away and seem quite at home here. I must take photos of all these horses!
Denny's owner, her other half and her brother came today to get her stables ready and they are all such great people and such good fun to be with. She has the cutest dog I've ever seen who rides her ponies. I've told her that I must take a photo to put on here.
I drove to the local saddlery to get Crystal a bridle as we are taking her to the local show tomorrow. One of my friend's daughters is taking her in the Young Handler and we're walking there in a convoy of ponies and children, and meeting Denny's owner there with Denny's mum, Baby. I'm really looking forward to it. I might take Crystal in the In Hand Mountain and Moorland as well. I bathed her tonight and she was very patient and tolerant.
All three of my friend's children had a sit on her on Thursday, in the Inky Dinky saddle. The two year old had only sat on a stationary pony once before but the Inky Dinky made him sit like a dressage rider and he was so stable and balanced on it. They all said how comfortable it was so I just HAD to try it!!!!! It's fantastic and I loved it. It's designer told me that she'd had a small 10yo in it. I will have to let her know she's had a 52yo in it now!!!!
One of my farmer friends wanted to borrow an electric fencing unit for his partridges and so I loaded it and Meggie into the Land Rover and drove them around to their farm. I just LOVED being able to do something for him for a change!! I had a good chat with his wife and his mother and drove home feeling proud of myself and useful for once. I love the Landy more every time I drive it now. Everyone says that if I can drive that I can drive anything and I can drive it, and drive it well. It makes me feel really proud, happy and confident.
After I passed my driving theory test we all met at the local pub for a drink and I felt like crying. I felt like half a person out with a load of whole people, even though several of them are single and they were all being incredibly kind to me. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like a whole person again now.
The two new horses arrived late last night. They are a chestnut Welsh Cob with a flaxen mane and tail who drives and does Western, and the cutest little companion pony called Rupert, who loves childen and lots of fuss. They both settled in straight away and seem quite at home here. I must take photos of all these horses!
Denny's owner, her other half and her brother came today to get her stables ready and they are all such great people and such good fun to be with. She has the cutest dog I've ever seen who rides her ponies. I've told her that I must take a photo to put on here.
I drove to the local saddlery to get Crystal a bridle as we are taking her to the local show tomorrow. One of my friend's daughters is taking her in the Young Handler and we're walking there in a convoy of ponies and children, and meeting Denny's owner there with Denny's mum, Baby. I'm really looking forward to it. I might take Crystal in the In Hand Mountain and Moorland as well. I bathed her tonight and she was very patient and tolerant.
All three of my friend's children had a sit on her on Thursday, in the Inky Dinky saddle. The two year old had only sat on a stationary pony once before but the Inky Dinky made him sit like a dressage rider and he was so stable and balanced on it. They all said how comfortable it was so I just HAD to try it!!!!! It's fantastic and I loved it. It's designer told me that she'd had a small 10yo in it. I will have to let her know she's had a 52yo in it now!!!!
One of my farmer friends wanted to borrow an electric fencing unit for his partridges and so I loaded it and Meggie into the Land Rover and drove them around to their farm. I just LOVED being able to do something for him for a change!! I had a good chat with his wife and his mother and drove home feeling proud of myself and useful for once. I love the Landy more every time I drive it now. Everyone says that if I can drive that I can drive anything and I can drive it, and drive it well. It makes me feel really proud, happy and confident.
After I passed my driving theory test we all met at the local pub for a drink and I felt like crying. I felt like half a person out with a load of whole people, even though several of them are single and they were all being incredibly kind to me. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like a whole person again now.
Thursday, 17 September 2009
First Proper Solo Journey.
I drove the 15 miles to the dentist today and loved every moment of it. I had expected the lonely, anxious feeling that I've been plagued with when I'm on my own to return when I was in the Land Rover on my own but it didn't. I just felt jubilant, independent and competent. I felt like a capable survivor with a whole new life to look forward to and I really am looking forward to it.
Denny's owner and her brother are getting some stables around the back ready for her three ponies and she is already a great friend of mine, along with her other half, and her brother seems to be a great laugh too. I can't wait for her to move in properly as I think we are going to have such a fantastic time together.
I've got three goats coming on livery on the 1st October and I know their owner from years ago, plus a horse and a pony coming on Saturday and their owner is lovely too. We are all such an energetic, enthusiastic, young at heart crowd determined to enjoy ourselves and our horses to the full. It's going to be great!!!!
One of my farmer friends came tonight and it was so lovely to see him and talk to him, as I haven't seen him for what seems like ages and there was so much to tell. He told me by text yesterday that I'm amazing, which was a bit embarrassing but lovely of him, considering I couldn't have achieved any of this without the work, care, time and effort he and his brother have put into this place and into me.
He asked if I thought I'd had any help from beyond the grave yesterday and I said yes, I thought that I had. I told him that, as I was driving home today I kept hearing this voice in my head saying "keep it". I had decided to get a more modern vehicle with power steering and a heater, that was easy to drive and went where you pointed it without wandering about but the Land Rover feels reliable, dependable and home, so I'll go with the voice for the time being.
I hadn't driven the Land Rover for a while, to avoid getting mixed up in the mini during the test. Today, every time I looked in the rear view mirror, I saw the sticker that his brother bought me - One Life Live It - and it made me smile each and every time. Without the two of them I might well have been dead by now, as I had more or less decided that my life was over and I only had years of loneliness left with no-one to care if I lived or died. They showed me that they cared, a lot, though it took me ages to really believe it, and now I know that loads of other people do too.
One Life, and I am certainly living it!!!!!!!!
Denny's owner and her brother are getting some stables around the back ready for her three ponies and she is already a great friend of mine, along with her other half, and her brother seems to be a great laugh too. I can't wait for her to move in properly as I think we are going to have such a fantastic time together.
I've got three goats coming on livery on the 1st October and I know their owner from years ago, plus a horse and a pony coming on Saturday and their owner is lovely too. We are all such an energetic, enthusiastic, young at heart crowd determined to enjoy ourselves and our horses to the full. It's going to be great!!!!
One of my farmer friends came tonight and it was so lovely to see him and talk to him, as I haven't seen him for what seems like ages and there was so much to tell. He told me by text yesterday that I'm amazing, which was a bit embarrassing but lovely of him, considering I couldn't have achieved any of this without the work, care, time and effort he and his brother have put into this place and into me.
He asked if I thought I'd had any help from beyond the grave yesterday and I said yes, I thought that I had. I told him that, as I was driving home today I kept hearing this voice in my head saying "keep it". I had decided to get a more modern vehicle with power steering and a heater, that was easy to drive and went where you pointed it without wandering about but the Land Rover feels reliable, dependable and home, so I'll go with the voice for the time being.
I hadn't driven the Land Rover for a while, to avoid getting mixed up in the mini during the test. Today, every time I looked in the rear view mirror, I saw the sticker that his brother bought me - One Life Live It - and it made me smile each and every time. Without the two of them I might well have been dead by now, as I had more or less decided that my life was over and I only had years of loneliness left with no-one to care if I lived or died. They showed me that they cared, a lot, though it took me ages to really believe it, and now I know that loads of other people do too.
One Life, and I am certainly living it!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
I Passed!!!!!!
I took my driving theory test at 11 minutes past 11 this morning and I passed!!!! It hasn't really sunk in yet and I keep thinking I'll wake up soon and still have it to come.
I had 4 minors when you're allowed 16 and the examiner seemed as shocked at someone my age doing so well as I was. I managed to keep very calm throughout and the examiner was really lovely and we had a good chat on the drive. If it doesn't sound too weird I actually quite enjoyed it! I was shaking like a leaf when she told me I'd passed though!!!!
The examiner used to ride but was kicked by a 17.2 and ruptured her liver. She was only found by chance and nearly died in Intensive Care so is now understandably terrified of horses. I told her if she ever wanted to work on her fear to come here and I'll introduce her to some really kind horses who wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone. She told me that I'd done so well because horse people are fearless. If only she knew.............!!!!!!!!!
A big thank you to Janette and David for the lovely good luck card they sent me - it was really kind and it really helped to know how many people were rooting for me. My phone has been red hot since I got back.
I've already done my first solo trip to the local saddlery and am driving myself to the dentist tomorrow, so there's a real treat!!!!
I had 4 minors when you're allowed 16 and the examiner seemed as shocked at someone my age doing so well as I was. I managed to keep very calm throughout and the examiner was really lovely and we had a good chat on the drive. If it doesn't sound too weird I actually quite enjoyed it! I was shaking like a leaf when she told me I'd passed though!!!!
The examiner used to ride but was kicked by a 17.2 and ruptured her liver. She was only found by chance and nearly died in Intensive Care so is now understandably terrified of horses. I told her if she ever wanted to work on her fear to come here and I'll introduce her to some really kind horses who wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone. She told me that I'd done so well because horse people are fearless. If only she knew.............!!!!!!!!!
A big thank you to Janette and David for the lovely good luck card they sent me - it was really kind and it really helped to know how many people were rooting for me. My phone has been red hot since I got back.
I've already done my first solo trip to the local saddlery and am driving myself to the dentist tomorrow, so there's a real treat!!!!
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
Being with Crystal.
I suddenly realised yesterday that, having spent a couple of hours playing around with Crystal, I felt much better than I have for ages. The world seems suddenly to have gone back to feeling like a benign place to be and the slightly hyped up way I've felt to some degree or other ever since March has vanished. It might just be coincidence but I think it's to do with Crystal.
She has come here to a totally strange place, leaving everything and everyone familiar behind her, and she's just accepted it all, settled down and made the best of it. I still had plenty of familiar things and people around me but it's still taken me six months to do the same.
Ages ago a friend of mine, when I text him and asked him if he'd ever been afraid of the future, told me he'd been where I was and the secret was to try not to look too hard into the future or you ended up with knots in your stomach and wanting to run away. He said just to take deep breaths and try to go with the flow. His words touched and helped me so much that I printed them off in copper plate script and framed them. They hang on the wall and I read them often.
No-one had to tell Crystal that - she just knew. She has decided to settle down and hope for the best and the best is exactly what she's going to get.
The same friend also text me the other day and said that he was glad I was looking so happy and seemed to be having fun because life has to be fun. His children are so lucky to have him as their father.
With all my lovely, kind friends and lovely, kind ponies how could life be anything else?!
She has come here to a totally strange place, leaving everything and everyone familiar behind her, and she's just accepted it all, settled down and made the best of it. I still had plenty of familiar things and people around me but it's still taken me six months to do the same.
Ages ago a friend of mine, when I text him and asked him if he'd ever been afraid of the future, told me he'd been where I was and the secret was to try not to look too hard into the future or you ended up with knots in your stomach and wanting to run away. He said just to take deep breaths and try to go with the flow. His words touched and helped me so much that I printed them off in copper plate script and framed them. They hang on the wall and I read them often.
No-one had to tell Crystal that - she just knew. She has decided to settle down and hope for the best and the best is exactly what she's going to get.
The same friend also text me the other day and said that he was glad I was looking so happy and seemed to be having fun because life has to be fun. His children are so lucky to have him as their father.
With all my lovely, kind friends and lovely, kind ponies how could life be anything else?!
Monday, 14 September 2009
Crystal.
This is my lovely little Crystal who I somehow don't think will be going back at the end of her trial period, especially as I have already bought her a rug, a head collar and a crystal browband!
Crystal is a 13yo Welsh Section A, about 11.1 hands high. She used to be a leadrein showpony and the family I am buying her from bought her from a showing family for their 6yo son to join his older sisters riding. I've seen photos of him riding her when he first got her where they both look really happy. His sisters then decided to get her jumping and galloping with plenty of use of the stick. Crystal decided to retaliate by doing as little as she could get away with and refusing to budge if she got too fed up with them. The son then decided he didn't like riding after all so she is up for sale.
They are nice kids but all their ponies are nappy and unco-operative because of the amount of force and lack of appreciation they are shown. The ponies are all still very nice natured and kind to handle but don't like being ridden very much. Their mum doesn't like the way her children are "stick happy" but says it's the only way to get the ponies to move. She volunteered this information, by the way, I never said a word of critisism and thanked the children profusely for showing their ponies to me.
When they delivered Crystal I gave them a very quick display with Bella and Jack. They were quite literally open mouthed.
Crystal was very stubborn yesterday but I refuse to take a whip anywhere near her at the moment and am just using a combination of persistance combined with effusive praise and thanks for any effort she makes. She is already blossoming and I long reined her today on the roads and around the fields with very few unrequested stops. I don't have a bridle small enough yet but she is as light as a feather at the end of the reins attached to a headcollar and has beautiful manners. I also tried a quick lunge and she lunges perfectly, presumably not having done so since her showing career ended.
She is a bit snorty out in front of me on the road and I don't suppose she is used to being in the lead, but she has been perfect with the traffic. She is very tolerant of the dogs and poultry and has a lovely, friendly nature.
I text the mother of the children for whom I am really buying Crystal, for them to ride, in partial return for all that their father has done for me and all of his time that I have taken up, and told her that I think she is probably just as much for me as for anyone else. I'm really smitten with her and she is just a pleasure to be with. She is the pony I always wanted as a child and was never allowed to have!
The only thing that worries me about her is the size of her stomach. I did wonder if I should have her pregnancy tested but I don't think I could send her back now anyway!
Here she is:
Crystal is a 13yo Welsh Section A, about 11.1 hands high. She used to be a leadrein showpony and the family I am buying her from bought her from a showing family for their 6yo son to join his older sisters riding. I've seen photos of him riding her when he first got her where they both look really happy. His sisters then decided to get her jumping and galloping with plenty of use of the stick. Crystal decided to retaliate by doing as little as she could get away with and refusing to budge if she got too fed up with them. The son then decided he didn't like riding after all so she is up for sale.
They are nice kids but all their ponies are nappy and unco-operative because of the amount of force and lack of appreciation they are shown. The ponies are all still very nice natured and kind to handle but don't like being ridden very much. Their mum doesn't like the way her children are "stick happy" but says it's the only way to get the ponies to move. She volunteered this information, by the way, I never said a word of critisism and thanked the children profusely for showing their ponies to me.
When they delivered Crystal I gave them a very quick display with Bella and Jack. They were quite literally open mouthed.
Crystal was very stubborn yesterday but I refuse to take a whip anywhere near her at the moment and am just using a combination of persistance combined with effusive praise and thanks for any effort she makes. She is already blossoming and I long reined her today on the roads and around the fields with very few unrequested stops. I don't have a bridle small enough yet but she is as light as a feather at the end of the reins attached to a headcollar and has beautiful manners. I also tried a quick lunge and she lunges perfectly, presumably not having done so since her showing career ended.
She is a bit snorty out in front of me on the road and I don't suppose she is used to being in the lead, but she has been perfect with the traffic. She is very tolerant of the dogs and poultry and has a lovely, friendly nature.
I text the mother of the children for whom I am really buying Crystal, for them to ride, in partial return for all that their father has done for me and all of his time that I have taken up, and told her that I think she is probably just as much for me as for anyone else. I'm really smitten with her and she is just a pleasure to be with. She is the pony I always wanted as a child and was never allowed to have!
The only thing that worries me about her is the size of her stomach. I did wonder if I should have her pregnancy tested but I don't think I could send her back now anyway!
Here she is:
Friday, 11 September 2009
More Friends and another possible Pony.
My yard is now officially full!!! In fact it's probably slightly over full. That's all through word of mouth and in just a few months, and the new people who came to look today are keen to find out more about clicker training too.
I never really believed a few months ago that this would be possible - to fill the place up with like-minded people who would help and support each other with never a cross word, no moody behaviour, and all becoming close friends with me and with each other. As he reminded me on Tuesday I had told my main inspiration that I am an idealist and I would never be able to find enough people in the horse world who felt the way I do about horses - how wrong can you be?!!
It's going to be noisy. There will be 5 children around the place, two of which are only two years old, and 10 dogs at times but that's just the way I like it. You can keep peace and quiet as far as I'm concerned - I've had enough of that to last a lifetime! I'm useless without other people around me and need people to bounce ideas and enthusiasm around with.
A friend told me the other night that she's never seen anyone change as much in such a short time as I have. She says she met a quiet, shy person a year ago who bears no resemblance to the outgoing, bubbly person that I am now. Another friend says that I collect people now. It's been a hard, painful road but the only way I could survive it was to find a way to make loads of friends very quickly and make sure that they always know how much I appreciate them and their company.
One of my farmer friends said that I could charm anyone. It was kindly meant but it stung a little because I thought it made me sound a bit false and I'm never that. I genuinely love all of my friends and am so proud that I can call them all my friends. I can't wait for them to arrive every day and miss them like crazy if I don't see them for a few days.
When I go to the local saddlery and feed store it's like being here because the staff nearly all keep their horses here now. The one that doesn't says that she feels quite left out! My life has changed beyond all recognition and I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it's all for real and not some dream that I'll wake up from. This is the person that I am now and it is a vast improvement on who I was before. I wish that David could see me now and see what I've found that I'm capable of. He would be amazed!!!
I'm going to see another pony tomorrow who sounds ideal. My Inky Dinky Saddle arrived today so I just need a pony to put it on. It's a bit mad - buying a pony for someone else's children when I'm not even sure if they'll take to riding but at least I'll be trying to give them something back for all they've done for me, in the only way I know how, and I love small ponies so it will make me very happy. I think I've probably earnt it.
I never really believed a few months ago that this would be possible - to fill the place up with like-minded people who would help and support each other with never a cross word, no moody behaviour, and all becoming close friends with me and with each other. As he reminded me on Tuesday I had told my main inspiration that I am an idealist and I would never be able to find enough people in the horse world who felt the way I do about horses - how wrong can you be?!!
It's going to be noisy. There will be 5 children around the place, two of which are only two years old, and 10 dogs at times but that's just the way I like it. You can keep peace and quiet as far as I'm concerned - I've had enough of that to last a lifetime! I'm useless without other people around me and need people to bounce ideas and enthusiasm around with.
A friend told me the other night that she's never seen anyone change as much in such a short time as I have. She says she met a quiet, shy person a year ago who bears no resemblance to the outgoing, bubbly person that I am now. Another friend says that I collect people now. It's been a hard, painful road but the only way I could survive it was to find a way to make loads of friends very quickly and make sure that they always know how much I appreciate them and their company.
One of my farmer friends said that I could charm anyone. It was kindly meant but it stung a little because I thought it made me sound a bit false and I'm never that. I genuinely love all of my friends and am so proud that I can call them all my friends. I can't wait for them to arrive every day and miss them like crazy if I don't see them for a few days.
When I go to the local saddlery and feed store it's like being here because the staff nearly all keep their horses here now. The one that doesn't says that she feels quite left out! My life has changed beyond all recognition and I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it's all for real and not some dream that I'll wake up from. This is the person that I am now and it is a vast improvement on who I was before. I wish that David could see me now and see what I've found that I'm capable of. He would be amazed!!!
I'm going to see another pony tomorrow who sounds ideal. My Inky Dinky Saddle arrived today so I just need a pony to put it on. It's a bit mad - buying a pony for someone else's children when I'm not even sure if they'll take to riding but at least I'll be trying to give them something back for all they've done for me, in the only way I know how, and I love small ponies so it will make me very happy. I think I've probably earnt it.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
The Adult's Pony.
Unfortunately I've found a bit of a problem with Denny. I had a friend's experienced children groom him and have a ride on him and he was a very unhappy pony. He is the happiest pony imaginable with adults around him but children make him very nervous and on edge, and although he did nothing nasty he was very tense and unhappy and wouldn't relax for a second. I need a really quiet, tolerant pony for two very young children so Denny doesn't fit the bill at all.
I was dreading telling his owner but she was great about it. The yard she's at won't allow children on the place so she had no idea that something must have happened to him at his last loan home to upset him when it comes to children. Luckily she likes it here so much she wants to leave him here and bring his mum and younger brother too. At least here she can work on getting him confident around children again. She is a really great person and we get on like a house on fire so it's all turned out well.
I have already bought an Inky Dinky Saddle which should arrive tomorrow so the hunt for a suitable pony will continue, and Denny's owner says that I can give his mum a try too.
My driving has gone completely to pot at the moment. I'm hoping that I'm getting all the gremlins out of the way this week so that I will be brilliant next week. I was a bit down today because my instructor told me that I need to drive as though I'm good enough to be there and worthy of my place on the road. I thought I'd got over feeling worthless and feeling like half a person, so it was tough to hear him say that. I thought I was appearing quite confident and assertive now. I know that I still try too hard and care too much about everything but that's got to be better than not trying or caring enough, hasn't it?
Oh well, I've got until Wednesday to get my act together, somehow!!!!!!
I was dreading telling his owner but she was great about it. The yard she's at won't allow children on the place so she had no idea that something must have happened to him at his last loan home to upset him when it comes to children. Luckily she likes it here so much she wants to leave him here and bring his mum and younger brother too. At least here she can work on getting him confident around children again. She is a really great person and we get on like a house on fire so it's all turned out well.
I have already bought an Inky Dinky Saddle which should arrive tomorrow so the hunt for a suitable pony will continue, and Denny's owner says that I can give his mum a try too.
My driving has gone completely to pot at the moment. I'm hoping that I'm getting all the gremlins out of the way this week so that I will be brilliant next week. I was a bit down today because my instructor told me that I need to drive as though I'm good enough to be there and worthy of my place on the road. I thought I'd got over feeling worthless and feeling like half a person, so it was tough to hear him say that. I thought I was appearing quite confident and assertive now. I know that I still try too hard and care too much about everything but that's got to be better than not trying or caring enough, hasn't it?
Oh well, I've got until Wednesday to get my act together, somehow!!!!!!
Monday, 7 September 2009
Denny the Superstar.
I rode Denny today and he was just fabulous. I felt enormous just standing next to him, let alone getting on him, and my smallest saddle, my 17" Fhoenix, looked huge on him too but he didn't sag in the middle as I got on and did everything I asked with no fuss at all, including a little canter on each rein. He has never set foot in our school before but I rode him straight in there and he didn't spook at anything, even the goats half way up the bank. He has a few things I need to work on. I would like him to halt from a verbal cue and a lighter rein cue, and to stand still without fidgeting until asked to move, but they are minor things which should be easy to teach him quickly as he is very keen to please and doesn't seem to have a mean bone in his body. I was warned that something happened at his last loan home which has left him scared of tractors so I will work on that too - all with the clicker, of course! He seems to be a very kind, sensible, genuine pony and I think he's going to fit in really well Here are some photos which a kind friend took for me today, plus a very short video clip from my ordinary camera which I didn't even know it could do!!!
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