New Beginnings.

A New Blog for a New Decade and a New Life.

2010-01-08T23:16:00.002Z

Please all join me there.
http://helen-heroesanddragons.blogspot.com/

The Point of a Blog.

2010-01-03T23:26:00.003Z

I have a very special friend who I am trying to convince to start a blog as I know how much we would all enjoy reading it.

He lives in a very beautiful, remote part of Scotland, picturesquely covered in snow at the moment, with his Alpacas, his Llamas, his two horses, a Dales x Hackney and a Clydesdale, his two St Bernards and Burmese dogs (and that's an awful lot of dog!!!!), plus Call Ducks and Geese.

He understands about politics and history, wildlife and nature, and about growing prize vegetables, to name just a few subjects.

He writes beautifully, with a flowing, lyrical, humorous, wistful style and he knows how to write straight from his heart. He has wisdom, compassion and understanding far beyond his years.

He says there would be no point to his blog - it would be too diverse and no-one would want to read it anyway.

I'm trying to convince him otherwise - that talent should be shared, and that beautiful words, ideas and ideals, places and animals are worthy of sharing, to inspire and give magic and pleasure to the lives of others, and that I only see the beauty that exists around me most of the time because of sharing it with like minded people.

So many potential friends and soul mates out there, all around the world. I know how much it means to me to have all of you to talk to and no-one can ever have too many friends.

Please would you, all my friends and soul mates out there, tell him what he would gain from writing his blog and what you would be interested in reading about him and his life.

Thank you.

More Christmas Presents.

2009-12-27T21:51:00.007Z

I had a lot of lovely Christmas presents and I thought I'd show you the best ones. Firstly I decided that my owl should live high up on a shelf in my bedroom, loooking as though he is about to swoop. My farmer friends have a captive Barn Owl they were given at home and they tell me that it adopts exactly this pose when they bring it's food.

Next is a hot water bottle I was given that has made going to bed a whole lot more bearable;

Then my surprise present, if you can read what it says!!!!! I tried it in different locations:

If you click on the last photo you should be able to read it. I'm SO excited!!!! The grey was my lovely Jonesy and I out team chasing. David took the photo of the Barn Owl as it flew over his tractor one day at the top of our track.

A Very Special Christmas Present.

2009-12-25T19:51:00.005Z

I recieved a very special Christmas present from a very special friend of mine in Scotland. He is quite magnificent and I will treasure him always. The fact that he was even sent at all means the world to me - that someone who was a stranger a short while ago would take the time and trouble, and care enough to bother.

He is a superstar and a hero and I hope we meet one day soon. A million thank you's for making this Christmas very special.

If you click on the photos you can see him in his full splendor. The pony in the photos was my beloved Ben, the sweetest, kindest, most genuine pony who ever walked on this blue planet.

Here he is with a new friend - a young Barn Owl I found dead when riding Grace in the summer and have had in the freezer ever since. I'm hoping to have him stuffed at some point as well, so they can stay together.

Merry Christmas.

2009-12-25T00:02:00.003Z

A very Merry Christmas to all of my very special friends here.

Thank you so much, all of you, for all your endless kindness, friendship and support. Having friends all around the world is such a special thing and is very precious to me.

Do you realise, Hilary, Charlotte and Muriel, that we have been friends for several years now? Old friends indeed.

To all of you - old friends and new - thank you all so very, very much.

Lots of love to all of you.

Helen.

Magical Winter Wonderland.

2009-12-22T23:27:00.005Z

We have a LOT of snow here and I love the way it stays so light at night and always looks so stunningly beautiful. I took some photos as the snow fell last night and more today, all around the farm.

My trusty, steadfast old Land Rover starts first time of asking each and every day and makes nothing of the ice and snow as cars are abandoned all around us. I can give all the people lifts who used to give me lifts and I am suddenly full of confidence in my own driving, and so far my passengers haven't complained too much either!!!!

My Smallholder Article.

2009-12-19T21:03:00.002Z

Here is a link to my article minus the photos, in the archive of Smallholder magazine:

http://www.smallholder.co.uk/shlivestock/4803220.Motivating_the_native_pony/

I would be very grateful for any feedback as I would like to try to write more articles for other magazines at some stage.

Cirque Du Cheval

2009-12-15T23:01:00.003Z

Rosie has just returned from performing at The Cirque Du Cheval in Dublin, in Ireland.

Please do have a look at this beautiful photo of Rosie standing on the horse with the kindest, wisest eye I have ever seen:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_fs8-cSyccvE/SyU7MuoJyQI/AAAAAAAAGzo/s48XcfSORWI/s1600-h/scan.jpg
and then look at all her photos:
http://picasaweb.google.com/Rosie.Jive.Pony/CirqueDuCheval?feat=directlink#
and read her write up of this event:
http://jive-pony.blogspot.com/2009/12/cirque-du-cheval.html

I know that the grass is always greener but in my dreams I AM Rosie and I can ride and look like that on a horse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you read this, Rosie, I will see you at the panto on the 28th, at the evening performance and I can't wait!!

For me there is just something SO exciting and SO magical about the Devil's Horsemen, and about Jive Pony, that they never fail to fire me up to do more myself.

One day I WILL have my own small equine theatre!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kindness.

2009-12-14T21:56:00.008Z

I've been really moved by people's kindness of late. The immense kindness of you people here, bothering to read this blog and leaving me wonderful, sweet comments.

The kindness of some people today offering me a huge discount on some tickets for a Christmas event, because they know of my circumstances this Christmas.

The kindness of all the people I have met, spoken to and had business dealings with lately, all of whom have treated me like an old and much valued friend, and the never ending kindness of my friends at home, all determined to make this a happy Christmas for me.

One of my farmer friends hurt his back recently and wasn't feeling very well, so he and his wife went away for a couple of days. His brother gladly stood in for him, doing all his work as well as his own, without even thinking about himself. He always thinks of others, never of himself, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for his brother.

When he returned my farmer friend gave me a present he'd bought for me while he was away. The fact that he'd even thought of me while he was away in itself nearly moved me to tears. He apologised for it being a strange gift but he thought it might be useful.

It is a Swiss Army penknife, bought in a gunsmiths while he was on holiday, and it is my most treasured possession. I never go anywhere without it.

Today one of the horses here, who can get so wound up she would, to quote a Parelli-ism "Kill herself to save her own life" managed, while she was tied up, to get the lead rope wound around her neck and nearly strangled herself. We all rushed to her but she was leaning against the wall and the leadrope was under huge tension. The farrier was here and even he was panicking. My knife was in my pocket, as always, and is very sharp. It sliced straight through the rope which pinged apart it was so taught around her neck. If it hadn't been for the endless kindness of my friend, thinking of me even while he was on holiday, the outcome could have been quite disastrous.

I have been talking to someone online recently who I have told things about myself to that I haven't told anyone else in the world. He has done the same to me. I would like to buy him a Swiss Army Penknife, in case he should ever need one as badly as I did today. I don't have his address and I'm not sure whether our friendship is real or in my head. So much has changed for me this year that I do struggle to know what's real or imaginary sometimes.

He has read some of my blog and if he reads this I hope that he might email or better still text me his address. The trouble is that, unlike me, he doesn't believe in the inherent goodness and kindness of people anymore as he has suffered and been betrayed too often, and at too young an age, to cope with the loss of his dreams and his purpose in life. If he knew the people that I do - my friends at home and all you friends of mine around the world on here - he might find the strength and the courage to leave his hurt and cynicism behind and begin to make his dreams come true again, as I have done.

The best Christmas present he could give me would be to let me buy and send him a Swiss Army penknife, like mine. I think that it would take such a huge leap of faith for him to do that that it might be the best Christmas present he could give himself as well.

My Christmas Present to Myself.

2009-12-13T21:06:00.005Z

I've been feeling a bit odd for the last few days. Christmas was never going to be easy and, as I told my farmer friends, I've decided that the only way to tackle it is to "throw myself into the spirit with gusto, or should that be Bisto?". Luckily for me they are always there, at the end of a text message, to give me something to laugh out loud over. They used to think I was looking for sympathy but know me so well now that they know thats the last thing I want! I just want to be reassured that everything is fine and normal, and I'm only ever looking for distraction from my thoughts and something to laugh about, and they always come up trumps. I still couldn't manage without the pair of them.

My Manitou was collected by a lovely man on Tuesday and I went to supervise the loading. The man I bought it from has become a good friend and is coming over for a meal with the man who collected my bull for me, who is an old friend of his. It's such a small world!

I really love my Manitou. It's the first vehicle I've ever bought and I'm getting to grips with it really quickly, and driving it makes me feel confident and capable. It's a vast improvement on the loader tractor and much more suited to the jobs I need to get done. I got a huge grain bucket with it, which I've parked outside the barn to muck out into. It holds 2 days worth and saves on pushing wheelbarrows through mud, and as I'm mucking out up to 10 a day at the moment it helps no end.

I also got a grapple, a bale squeezer and pallet fork tines thrown in with the machine. I told you that the previous owner is now a good friend of mine!!!! Here are some photos:
On the low loader ready for the 25 mile journey home:

Back home:

I've also taken up a new sport, in an effort to get fitter for vaulting.
http://www.cani-cross.co.uk/cc_whatis.shtml
I'm trying to talk other people into joining me but failing dismally at the moment!!! I bought a harness at the local feed store today and they are alfriends of mine there. They asked what it was for and when I told them they'd all heard of it but when I asked them all if any of them fancied giving it a go I was deafened by the yells of "NO!!!" I get the feeling that they all think I'm sweet and harmless but more than a little crazy!!!!!!

I tried it for the first time tonight, firstly just with my Golden Retriever, Sophie, who is far too polite and won't pull, os then I tried using a pair, adding Meggie in, and that was a big improvement in pulling power. I'm going to try using Flora as well tomorrow.

I'm also being given a multi trainer by a friend and I'm trying to buy a cheap rowing machine on eBay, to improve my upper body strength over the winter. I'm also looking for a Pool table so my young lodger can teach me and my friends to play. I hate having nothing to do in these long, dark evenings and the more people there are here the happier I am.

My vaulting roller is a bit too short so I need to find some straps to extend it a little. I've been riding Bella and Grace and doing a little with Kate (who will now walk along with me just about anywhere totally at liberty. She reminds me of Bella at that age so much) and Jack as and when I can. Crystal will have to wait until the Spring and for longer days.

My article was published, with two photos, and I've had loads of favourable comments about it. I'll put a link to it when it goes into the magazine archives.

I'm feeling much more confident and more positive for the increase in exercise and for beginning to master my Manitou. I've got so much energy at the moment I wear everyone else out and they're all younger than me!!!

I was going to cancel the dating agency membership, as going on it makes me feel a bit unhinged and out of control, but I guess it's only talking to people after all, and I love to do that, so I'll let it run until the end of the month but I won't rejoin after that. I think that my life probably does have everything I really need now and looking for even more seems a bit greedy somehow!

Wasting Time.

2009-12-06T20:56:00.009Z

I think I've been having a bit of a brainstorm lately. I've got a barn full of beautiful, eager horses and 3 lovely dogs who don't get enough of my attention, a barn full of lovely cattle including a very handsome bull, a yard full of fantastic friends, with more friends everywhere I go, and what have I been doing?

I've been joining an internet dating agency for farmers!!! Why? My life is so busy already and I don't want to go anywhere or leave here for more than the odd hour at a time. What do I possibly think that the added stress of trying to fit someone else's needs into my life and time would achieve, for me or for them? I have SO many things that I want to do and to achieve, SO many plans and dreams for the future that I need to work on, SO much to be grateful for and to nurture.

I think that winter is to blame, especially at weekends. The long, dark evenings inside when it's too cold, dark and dismal to do much outside and everyone's gone home to watch the tv by 5 o' clock, which really isn't my thing at all.

For the first time in my life I really don't HAVE to fit in with anyone else and I'm free, but I guess it takes a bit of getting used to and adjusting to, but I can do that. I've done so many things already.

Habit is a difficult thing to break, for people and for horses. Habitual patterns of behaviour give feelings of comfort and of security. The longer established the habits are the more comfort and security they give and the harder they are to abandon. My comfort and security came from being one half of a couple for nearly three decades. I like sharing things and I don't really want things to be 'mine'. I liked them being 'ours'. No wonder then that I feel the need to find someone else but that doesn't mean that it's the right or the sensible thing to do. I have a sneaking suspicion that it would send my anxiety levels right through the roof and I might even end up getting moody, bad tempered, and less sensitive to other people's feelings - things I try never to be.

Maybe one day when I'm old and can't lead as active a life with my horses finding another partner would be the right thing to do but I believe that if I did find someone else now I might end up not following all my dreams and end up looking back on what I might have done and might have made happen with regret - that I was too busy chasing the wrong rainbow and let my dreams slip away, just as they began to materialise.

I feel especially guilty about Bella. She is so super intelligent and so keen to be my soul mate in our life together, and I've let nearly a year of her life go by without me being there with her mentally. It wasn't avoidable but it doesn't have to continue any longer. She's been so patient with me already.

I think that normality is very hard to abandon and change is very challenging, and my normality has changed forever, but the freedom I have now in my life will become normal in time. It already is compared to a few months ago and it really does all depend on comparisons, doesn't it? Everything is relative and nothing is forever. It's time to make the very best of what I have and prove to Bella that I deserve her.

2009-12-05T20:57:00.005Z

I am buying a second hand telehandler, a Manitou, like this one:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/MANITOU-MANISCOPIC-725-TELE-HANDLER-FORKLIFT_W0QQitemZ280431159049QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUK_BOI_FarmingEquipment_RL?hash=item414affe709

I have sold my loader tractor because it keeps on breaking down and I need a reliable machine to keep the cattle fed plus the Manitou is useful for so many other loader jobs too.

I'm really excited about it!!!! One of my farmer friends took me to see the machine and the man selling it is a friend of a friend, and fast becoming a friend in his own right. I will get so much pride and satisfaction from being able to drive and use this machine as it's a serious piece of kit!!!! I just hope the buildings are all still standing by the time I've got the hang of it! I have driven my friend's once and loved it but theirs is a much more modern machine. I'll post photos when it arrives.

I've managed to buy a cheap vaulting roller on eBay and am eagerly awaiting it's arrival!!! Today some friends and I watched a 20min video clip of last weekend's lesson with Rosie, taken on a camera we haven't worked out how to download from yet, and I felt so keen and energised again watching it. Rosie does a small demo on Grace too and I just wish I had her legs and elegance!!!!

I've had a lovely weekend so far with lots of friends for company and loads of laughter, in spite of the weather. My kitchen is often bursting with friends these days, thank goodness, and that's just the way I intend to keep it, although the washing up gets rather time consumimg!!!!!

Rosie's Blog.

2009-12-05T01:31:00.002Z

I've just realised that I haven't given you a link to Rosie's blog. She writes beautifully and gets very little feedback.

Her latest post is about trick training horses and is very interesting and informative. Please do have a read of it and tell her what you think:

http://www.jive-pony.blogspot.com/

How to stay Warm and Snug in the Winter!!

2009-12-02T22:25:00.003Z

I think Meggie is feeling the cold a bit at the moment!!!!

Cone Circle Training.

2009-12-01T22:33:00.003Z

Rosie suggested that I set up a cone circle track like Jive Pony use at shows, so that the horse will stay inside it at liberty and I can practise vaulting on my own.

I set it up yesterday with driving cones, short lengths of bamboo and white tape and it's working really well.

I took Bella in there first, at liberty, and got her to walk, trot and canter around in time with me but slightly further in front of me than for our usual liberty work, with me holding onto imaginary vaulting roller handles, so she'll be in the right position to able to pull me on board. She very quickly worked out exactly where she needs to be to get clicked and was trotting and cantering powerfully and enthusiastically beside me, after waiting for my lead to set the pace. I found out that I heavily favour the right canter lead myself and will have to work on the left lead!!!!

Kate was next, again at liberty, and she was very spooky so I just slowly and methodically chose my own pace and stuck to it, and clicked her when she was where I wanted her to be. She began by stopping and staring at things then trotting to catch me up, or spooking and zooming off then coming back to join me and I let nothing she did change what I did, she just had to fall in with me if she wanted to get clicked and treated. This very simple job with no pressure or penalty for getting it wrong and praise and treats for getting it right is just what she needs after so much pressure from her previous owner. She understood the job in hand very quickly and was totally chilled out and relaxed in a short space of time. She hated going into the school with her previous owner but I had a job getting her to leave it yesterday!

Jack has had very little work for a while now and was full of the joys, cantering around bucking repeatedly and really enjoying himself. I stayed in the middle circle out of the way until he had sobered up a bit then did the same as with Bella, plus a little Spanish Walk and started to teach him to bow. He settled really well and gave me his full attention by the end of the session.

With Grace I just worked on running with her and keeping her well up in front of me, and on getting her to keep going when I run towards her. I noticed in the videos how much more cadence her trot has than it used to have and timed my clicks to try to encourage that as well.

I really like the cone circle. All of them were happy to stay inside it and if they got a bit fresh I could step into the middle circle out of the way. This is particularly useful with Jack as he can't see me properly on his bad eye side and does cannon into me occasionally when he's not concentrating on me. I hate to react to that or for him to see me flinch at all as I never want him to think that I'm nervous of anything when he has to trust me to make up for his partial sight in one eye, and it can be hard not to when you have nearly 600kgs of horse veering your way!!!

It also allows me to give Kate all the freedom she needs to make her own choices and decide that she wants to work with me, which is exactly what she is consistently choosing to do already.

I'm going to try Crystal in there tomorrow. She can still be a bit sticky at times to keep going forward so I want to work on enthusiastic forward movement through choice rather than as a result of pressure with her.

At this rate I'll have so many vaulting ponies I'll be spoilt for choice!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vaulting Lesson with Rosie from Jive Pony!!!!

2009-11-29T00:58:00.011Z

Rosie came here yesterday to give me my first ever vaulting lesson and it was brilliant - the best fun I've ever had on a horse!!!!! She is an incredible teacher- very enthusiastic and encouraging while making things like walking around the school standing on your horse's back seem like a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do!

Grace was a complete superstar and never turned a hair at anything. Her only fault was stopping if she got too worried about our antics. She used to be quite a spooky pony so she showed just how far she's come.

I had told Rosie that all I wanted to do was to be able to vault on at a walk, trot and canter but the truth is that was all I ever thought I'd be capable of. As it was we went through loads of vaulting positions including walking around the school with me standing on Grace's back, sitting on her neck with my legs crossed behind her ears, kneeling with one foot on the pad, and even a shoulder stand on her withers.

Unfortunately we ran out of battery time for the video before we got to the most impressive parts but I'm going to set up a roped off cone circle so I can practise on my own to my hearts content and get a little demo videoed of all the moves. I didn't quite get to the stage of being able to vault on unaided but apparently it's much easier at canter and looking at the videos I can see, watching Rosie and then myself, that I'm not diving forward and pivoting enough yet.

I loved this SO much and sitting in a saddle will never have quite the same appeal again. I have been high as a kite ever since, in spite of the weather!!! I just need to buy a vaulting roller now, and finding one is easier said than done, but I'm on the hunt!!!

What I'd really love, one day, is to have some sort of equine theatre here. I have myself down for some sort of comedy vaulting act, which I would love as I love making people laugh, so I'll have to work out exactly what my angle will be!!!!!

Rosie is going to come again when I've practised on my own a bit more and she's going to be at The Devil's Horsemens Christmas Pantos, so we are going to meet up with her again there.

We had such a good laugh and such a good time, Rosie is such a lovely, sweet person and such good fun. She dared me onwards with laughing, twinkling eyes which made me try things against my better judgement, which was fine because her judgement was spot on and she made it all seem surprisingly easy. I was hardly stiff at all today either, which was a big surprise.

Rosie was telling me about all the new and exciting ideas she and Rebecca have for next year's Jive Pony shows and I can hardly wait to see them again then. They both have young horses who will be coming into the shows one at a time so they will have even more adrenalin going than normal!!!!!!!!

OBJECT id=BLOG_video-UPLOADING class=BLOG_video_class width=320 height=266 contentId="UPLOADING">
Having terrible trouble uploading videos, as you can see, although this one does work!!! Will try some more tomorrow!

Devil's Horsemen Medieval Banquet.

2009-11-24T22:41:00.006Z

I took a party of 30 adults and 4 children to the Medieval Banquet at the Devil's horsemen's home base on Saturday night. It was as a way of beginning to thank them all for all that they've done for me and it was the most fantastic night of my life.

http://www.thedevilshorsemen.com/

When we went in we were announced by a 'fool' called Peterkin who just made the show. He introduced me and the 4 friends I walked through the door with as "four wanton ladies of easy virtue". When I said "thanks for that" he added hastily "but they're not cheap!".

He made loads of people stand up and do various embarrassing things but the revelation of the night was one of my farmer friends. He vaulted in over the high wall when called upon to go into the arena and was just SO adorable, helping Peterkin who pretended to be inexperienced on stilts and doing a mime run when called upon to catch him if he fell. He loved every second of it, as did his 7 year old son who was watching and told his 2 year old sister the next day that "daddy had to dance with a man on stilts." I told him the next day that he is totally wasted and should be on the stage.

We all laughed until we cried at Peterkin and the horse action had me just aching to join in. I would have vaulted the high wall too if anyone had offered me a go at jousting or garrocha!!!

One of my friends had to choose whether to be carried of over the shoulder of Daniel or Gerard Naprous and was in raptures over being carried off by Daniel. Personally I would rather have taken Peterkin home as I love being teased and made to laugh more than anything. It was a magical evening of a lifetime and I had some big hugs from my friends in return.

It's inspired me to get on with training my horses again and I rode Bella for the first time in a while today and we both loved every moment of it. We also did our first jump with me in the saddle together which she thoroughly enjoyed too. I did some in hand work with Kate, who is a little claustrophobic in the school still at times, and clipped Grace ready for my lesson with Rosie this weekend. I wanted to do something with Jack too but my farmer/actor friend brought me some haylage and it was the first time I've been able to talk to him on his own for ages, and I make the most of every opportunity I get to talk to both of them as they are my rocks, my solemates and my guardian angels still, even after all this time. I must have been very good in another lifetime to have deserved them.

Farm Animals for Films..

2009-11-20T22:56:00.006Z

My two farmer friends said the other day that they've realised the way I get wildly over enthusiastic about new plans and ideas is my coping strategy and they're right as far as it goes but there is more to it than that. I do need lots of plans on the go to keep me believing in myself and in my ability to have a successful and fulfilling future but I also intend to turn as many of them as possible into reality.

I've also been told that I should concentrate on one thing at a time but I dread boredom more than anything and my plans should all fit together and compliment one another.

My latest idea is to set up an agency specialising on supplying farm animals for films and photo shoots. I've done two films with my sheep and I loved every moment of it but had to take charge on set and keep everyone calm and focused. I have always been very good at keeping calm under pressure and at keeping the people and animals around me calm too.

I was amazed at the haphazard way the animals were sourced for the films we worked on and have made enquiries from other people in the business and found out that this is the norm where farm animals are concerned. Considering the amount of time and money involved it's hard to believe that agents just arrange for an unseen animal to arrive on set without having any idea of what's going to arrive or how wild it will be but that has been absolutely my experience.

My plan would be to supply calm, well handled animals with calm, well mannered, patient, helpful and friendly handlers who would blend in and get the job done quietly and competently without fuss or melodrama. My sheep got standing ovations from cast and crew when they were in a film called "The Tenth Kingdom" because no-one could believe how obliging and easy to work with they were, and I was too.

I would so love to do more of this and to meet more of the fascinating people I met before. I have put out a few feelers and hope to get something going on a small scale by next spring.

This should fit in well with my meat sales, clicker training confidence building courses, dog agility, etc. especially with all the brilliant, competent, caring people I have here now who would help out as and when needed and whom I can trust implicitly.

Life is still full of endless opportunities for fun, laughter, friendships old and new and fulfillment for me. I am very, very lucky!

Photos of Pascoe and son, first at their old home and being loaded by my youthful helpers, and then meeting their new herd. Pascoe is now in with his new wives and has served one of them already. Some of my friends were laughing at the way he hid behind his son on arrival and cast aspersions on his manhood, so at least those rumours have been well and truly disproved!!!!

My Clicker Training Article in Print!!!!

2009-11-19T14:03:00.004Z

I've just found out that an article I wrote about clicker training my ponies is going to appear in the Christmas edition of Smallholder magazine!!!!!!!

I had a bad day yesterday, the first for months. It was because I was so upset that I can't show my lovely bull to David. All my friends came to see him, including my two farmer friends, and they were all very enthusiastic about him but I couldn't get past the fact that David was the one I most wanted to show him to; he would have been so proud to own him. This is just the lift I needed to get me back into positive thinking and motivating me to get on with training my ponies again, and in the Christmas edition too!!!!!!!

I sent loads of photos too but I wasn't wearing a hat, as usual, so I don't know if they'll use them, but seeing my first ever clicker training article in print........

I've just found a link to my one and only previous attempt at journalism, about my ewe appearing in a televison program, if anyone would like to read it;

http://www.smallholder.co.uk/shlivestock/shsheep/1666778.Meet_the_star_of_Eastenders___Helen_Wakefield_s_Oxford_Down_ewe_Kensworth_Flair_showed_quite_a_flair_for_acting_/

Lovely Weekend.

2009-11-15T22:52:00.002Z

I've had the loveliest weekend in spite of the awful weather on Saturday. The Chilli and Reflexology was a great success, Joy has remained perfectly happy and relaxed in the barn with my horses and her owner is absolutely delighted as it has always been her dream to see her happy to be inside in the winter, and I have spent most of the weekend with one of my farmer friends whose ability to stay upbeat and cheerful in the face of all adversity even exceeds my own.

I get really anxious these days if I can't keep people happy and smiling and he is a fantastic ally in this, as all he ever wants to do is to help people and make them happy with no thought for himself. He also has the wickedest sense of humour and it's impossible to stay serious for long when he's about. I love being around him and watching the natural, effortless ease with which he charms everyone he meets. It is my total privilege to know him and to be able to have him inspire me and to learn from him.

I have found a very small, light adult rider for Crystal and now have some purpose in trying to get her going properly. She starts off full of enthusiasm but then old habits and patterns start emerging and she begins to nap and get stubborn, which I intend to clicker train her out of. Her new rider is so tiny she rode her in the Inky Dinky saddle and loved it, and loved long striding, twinkle toed Crystal too!!

My decisions are slowly resolving themselves and I've decided to stick with the things that I enjoy the most and get most satisfaction from, and that's the things I have here. I don't really want to have to spend much time away from here, although drawing more people here with the dog agility, meat sales and clicker training will all be part of my plan, but I think the people I already have here plus my farmer friends are company enough on an everyday basis to keep loneliness at bay.

After Pascoe arrives on Tuesday I hope that I can begin to get life under control and start to do some proper work with my ponies again, including Kate who now follows me around without a leadrope and likes to stand with her head as close to mine as possible like Bella and Jack do. She reminds me so much of Bella and I just know she's going to be a superstar like her too.

I will take some photos of my newly rearranged horse barn and of Pascoe when I've picked him up on Tuesday. Everything is ready for him and I'm getting more excited at the prospect all the time, if a little apprehensive. The thought of me buying a bull, let alone looking after him single handed is just so mad compared to how my life used to be - but good mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Decisions To Make.

2009-11-14T02:29:00.005Z

I'm writing this is the middle of the night because I'm up keeping an eye on a claustrophobic horse who has to live out who I've taken into the barn with my horses as the weather is terrible - 60mph winds and heavy rain. I brought her in to try her in there after a text message just before midnight from her worried ex-owner whose beloved father is at home rapidly dying of cancer. She has not only found the time to worry about the horse but sent me a message today to say that the photo of me on Jack on my profile should be on the cover of a training DVD. I was so touched by that.

My horses have been in all day but are always so chilled out that so far she seems fine in there surrounded by them. It's getting a bit crowded in there now though with 7 horses and 2 goats!

I've got a few decisions to make. The school that we've been trying to fence has fought back every step of the way and it's in a place that I never really wanted it in the first place, as it's a spooky spot that many horses find hard to relax in, but dogs all love it in there. We've only managed to do the corner posts and along one side and I'm wondering if I should go with the flow and finish fencing it with dog proof plastic netting fencing, without trying to get anymore posts in, and think about another school for the horses in a different spot one day when I've earned enough money to pay for it. It will still be useable for the horses in the meantime and my farmer friend won't kill himself digging massive lumps of granite out to get each small post in!!!

I have had loads of enquiries from people wanting to move their horses here. We have such a brilliant atmosphere here, with everyone falling over themselves to help each other, that word is spreading. In theory I could find stabling and grazing for a few more but they'd have to walk quite a way to get to the grazing. I could also stick with what I've got and concentrate on other things now, like my confidence building courses using positive reinforcement and clicker training.

My loader tractor is a nightmare and completely unreliable despite many efforts by my farmer friends to fix it so I've sold it and two old tractors and am looking for a telehandler with a telescopic arm, which is purpose built for loader work and will make my life so much easier if I can find a reliable one.

I'm going to pick up Pascoe and son on Tuesday with an old friend who does horse and cattle transporting. I haven't seen him for years so we'll have loads of time to catch up. His wife of many, many years died a couple of years ago so we have a fair bit in common.

David's family business, which he left to his sister, is proving totally impractical for her to even try to manage herself and I can't find an agent to do it for her so I'm thinking of trying to do it myself. I'll have to do it for nothing as I'll have to learn as I go along but it shouldn't take up too much time and I'll learn loads about managing businesses and people along the way. She has two partners and none of them seem able to communicate with each other but they will all talk to me and make me feel wanted, appreciated and useful. My greatest fear in life has always been boredom so at least I should never suffer from that!!!!

A vet came yesterday and said how happy all the horses and people seem to be here, and, although he's only a horse vet now, he said that he and his friend, who is also now a horse only vet and who was a friend of ours and came to the funeral, they would both help out with any cattle veterinary work in their spare time, to keep their hands in, so to speak!!! He also wants to buy some beef when I have some.

We're having a Chilli and Reflexology night tonight with about 20 friends coming. I'm going to be dead on my feet by then, especially as my farmer friend is coming to do some work with me today and I've had no sleep so far, but it should be really good fun. I'm going back out to check on Joy, the horse, now then try and grab a couple of hours sleep!!!!!!

Dog Agility Day.

2009-11-08T21:34:00.007Z

We had a trial run of the dog agility training this afternoon and it was fantastic fun and a great success. We had ten people plus our trainer who was just brilliant. She got us to introduce all the dogs to clicker training and even provided the clickers and the treats. She explained everything really well and had all the dogs doing a short course off the lead by the end of the session, even though only two of them had ever done anything like it before.

They were a very mixed bunch, as you will see from the photos. The Golden Retriever is mine but was borrowed by a friend who she doesn't know at all. Unfortunately there are no photos of me doing pairs with my two terriers as I was the camera woman. I didn't want to leave one of them out so trained the pair of them together and they showed real potential, especially my rather plump Jack Russell, Flora, who is food mad!!!!

Everyone had such a great time, dogs and trainer included. Our trainer, Kimberly, couldn't believe how good they all were and made us all feel very successful. Everyone is now eagerly awaiting the next session and we already have another four people who would like to join in next time!!!! That's all by word of mouth and all the agility clubs around here are full so I think that this one could really fly. It was also really lovely to do something that involved my own dogs for a change.

Here are the photos. The weather was very kind to us

Meet Pascoe and Son!

2009-11-07T20:39:00.006Z

This is Pascoe, my new Aberdeen Angus bull. He is four years old and a bit of a steal, I think!!! He is a very impressive sight - not too tall but massively built and very well muscled. He is also very quiet, as bulls go. His owner is really sad to sell him and would like to buy a carbon copy but now has his daughters in the herd to get in calf, so Pascoe has to go, luckily for me. David would have been so proud to own this bull.

Vegetarians read no further because I am going to start selling home produced, single suckled, naturally reared Aberdeen Angus beef from the freezer. It's the only way I can even hope to make four suckler cows pay for themselves, let alone make a profit, which I hope they will this way.

To this end I'm keeping this years calves to finish myself but the oldest is only eleven months old and I am impatient to get started so I also bought one of Pascoe's sons, who is nineteen months old and almost ready. I am booking him in for January, which is the earliest they can do him as there is only one abattoir left around here. I have also found a very good place to cut and pack where hanging beef for three weeks is standard, and it's very difficult to find somewhere that will hang it for so long as it slows up their throughput. David used to do a bit of this before and everyone always raved about the meat so I have to make sure I can keep up that standard.

I had the choice of four steers and no expert opinion on hand so I relied on my sheep showing days and judged them as I would a sheep. When I told the seller which one I wanted he looked really crestfallen, as he'd said that they were all the same price, and said he should have known I'd pick the best one. I was really chuffed but made sure he checked the ear number so I'll know I get the right one!!!!

He then asked my advice about whether I thought his heifers were big enough to put in calf yet and I was really flattered to be asked!!!!

If all of this sounds really mean and heartless I can only say that they would all be going for meat anyway but this way they will avoid going through at least one and probably two cattle markets in the process, and go straight from their here to the abattoir. If I were one of them I know which I would choose!

This is my steer. I just have to arrange transport home now and try to find a cheap source of corn to fatten him on. I often used to feed the fatteners before so I hope I know what I'm doing!!!!

Dog Agility tomorrow! I will try and get some photos.

Lots of News and Plans.

2009-11-03T23:46:00.004Z

I've been even busier than usual lately. One of my farmer friends had last week off work to come ans help me fence the school but, after going with him to buy the fencing, getting the barn ready for the cattle to come in, plus having to dig some granite curbstones buried in the hardcore to get single fence posts in, we didn't get very far!!! However I drove the tractor and post hole auger to bore out the holes for the corner posts, so I had a great time!!!

I also had the pleasure of his company for a whole week and have had to adjust to spending time alone again now. He is an inspiration to work with as he is a driven, perfectionist, workaholic with a work ethic second to none, and always cheerful and positive. He also jogs everywhere between jobs and I've started to do that too, to get fitter for a special event coming up soon!!!

I'm going to look at an Aberdeen Angus bull at the weekend with a view to buying him to get the cows back in calf. It's not ideal timing wise but he sounds like a lovely, quiet bull at a reasonable price. I also have plans for marketing my own, home bred Aberdeen Angus beef which people here are really keen to help with. My two farmer friends aren't convinced about this one but they seem to think that I'm an unstoppable force at the moment!!!!

My loader tractor has been driving me mad as it's so unreliable and keeps breaking down or refusing to start, and I must have a reliable tractor to keep the cattle fed, so it looks as though I'm selling it and buying a materials handler with a telescopic arm! I've driven my friends Manitou and I love it to bits, so I'm really pleased that they're helping me with this and one may already be lined up.

We are having a practice dog agility afternoon on Sunday, with a trainer coming with some equipment. All the clubs around here are full and the people here are very keen. If it goes well we plan to start a dog agility and flyball club here. The plans are already in place and my own dogs could certainly do with the extra time and attention!!

My lodger has moved in and it's lovely to have his company too, plus his girlfriend's company at the weekends. She is a bit of a sole mate of mine and the wisest twenty year old you will ever meet.

I'm going out for a meal with some friends from the yard on Thursday night and we are having a reflexology and chili evening next weekend, then I'm taking a party of 34 people to a Medieval Banquet at The Devil's Horsemen's home base the weekend after, as a big thank you for all their kindness, work and help that they've given me.

Now comes the best bit of all!!!! Rosie, of Jive Pony fame, is coming here to give me a vaulting lesson on Grace!!!!!! I just want to be able to run alongside and vault on at a trot and a canter (just, she says!!!). Rosie has very kindly offered to make the long journey here with her equipment and wants to meet my ponies too. We haven't arranged when yet, as I was hoping we'd finish fencing the school first, but I don't think I can wait too much longer!!!!

Mary Wanless Symposium and Kate in her new rug.

2009-10-25T20:59:00.004Z

I bought my new horse, who is now called Kate, a new rug yesterday. It's a bit bright but Crystal has the same rug and at least they won't get lost while wearing them!!!

I haven't had time to do anything with her yet as Mary Wanless and Dr. Hilary Clayton had a one day symposium at a yard a few miles away from us today. I went there with three of my friends and had a great day out. It was very interesting, especially Dr. Clayton's exercises for unlocking the horse's core, through stretches and muscle lifts that anyone can use. I bought the book and DVD and also a support belt to try to address my not being able to stand upright without thinking about it anymore.

Dr. Clayton called the exercises pilates for horses and spoke of also trying to develop exercises using very specific muscles for remedial work in horses. I asked her afterwards if she had come across Alexandra Kurland and Microshaping, and was very surprised to hear that she had never heard of her. She asked me to write down the name and website for her.

The riding part was very interesting but a little joyless I found, with not much in the way of positive reinforcement in evidence as far as the horses were concerned. It made me even more convinced that I have found the perfect way for me and my horses to interact together.

Mary Wanless also talked of the difficulties that teaching riding and putting actions and feelings into words presents. I am only too aware that this is my downfall when I try to help people with clicker training. I get quite frustrated with myself over this and convinced that I will never have the skills necessary to be a good teacher of people but, as I found it hard to even talk to people a few months ago, perhaps the skill will evolve over time. Today certainly made me want to convince more people to give clicker training a try, to show that the carrot need not just be lack of the stick and excellent results can be obtained without the need to begin with 10lbs of pressure in each hand.

I am also wondering about the possibilities of one day doing some sort of corporate clicker training days to show managers more sympathetic ways of managing their staff, as quite a few of my friends suffer from poor, unsympathetic and unappreciative management at work. I become more and more convinced that politeness and empathy at all times and in all circumstances are the ways to produce happy horses and happy people, and are the best way of motivating both to exceptional levels of co-operation and effort.

Heather Blitz was the expert rider at the symposium and spoke of the need to hold her frame in the face of all onslaughts from the horse - never to let it change her body alignment no matter what it was doing beneath her. I aspire to do that too but I also aim to try and hold my values of always being polite and understanding whatever horses are doing, reinforcing the things and attitudes I'm looking for and ignoring the rest whenever possible. I want my horses to love the learning process and to try their hardest for me because they want to. Clicker training gives me the tool to achieve that.

I listened to someone talking about National Service the other day. They said that the job they did was the sort of job they would have loved had they been allowed to choose to do it but, as they were conscripts with no choice in the matter, they moaned and groaned about it constantly. I want my horses to be volunteers and not conscripts. I hope that one day I can produce exceptional results with my horses to show that this way works even in ordinary horses, managing to produce extraordinary results from them.

What am I like?!!!!

2009-10-23T22:05:00.007+01:00

Ok, it's now official, I have bought another horse!!! I am SUCH a loose cannon now that I don't have David to restrain me!!!!!

She is indeed the youngster previously owned by my macho livery owner. She is actually 5 years old, now that I have her passport, but was only backed a few weeks before she came here, which was just a few months ago. She is a part bred Connemara and she has only been ridden in a Western saddle and hasn't had a bit in her mouth yet. She also needs to lose a lot of weight!!!

I have been fighting the urge to see if he would part with her for some time as they have a total personality clash. She is very bright, brave and strong minded but in a kind, friendly way. He is very persistant and stubborn and was absolutely determined that she would do as she was told. Unfortunately she likes to be asked and not told and gets frightened but angry with it when she feels threatened. She has taken a few kicks at him, which is totally out of character for her. and thrown her toys out of the pram on several occasions. The penalty for that was endlessly being chased around on the end of a lunge rope and being hit when she got too stroppy. That might have worked with a more timid horse but it was never going to with her.

Her previous owner was offered some free grazing elsewhere and was going to turn her out for the winter while he went off travelling. I was relieved that he was leaving, for many reasons, and tried to just ignore the mare but he asked me to turn her out for him on Monday and I couldn't get over how much the look in her eye reminds me of Bella when she was that age. I found out what he paid for her and offered to give him his money back (£2000) which I thought was over generous!!!! He said he needed more because of all the work he's done on her!!!!!!!!!!

I said no way and tried to ignore her again. She was supposed to be leaving tomorrow and so, when he asked me to turn her out again this morning, I thought I'd have a little play with her in the school, as it wuld be my last chance. She hates being in the school with him so I was sure she would be difficult.

One of my friends caught me in the act and was all smiles watching us. The mare is definitely another Bella - a superstar in the making. Her attention never wandered for a second and she tried her heart out to please.

I said a few rude words because I had hoped she'd throw a strop and let me off the hook!!! I text one of my farmer friends, who has been hearing the story from the start and has taken great interest as he knows her previous owner from years ago. I asked him if they had plenty of haylage to sell me, as if I bought her I needed to know that I could keep everything fed. He said if they ran out he'd find me some more.

I asked him what he thought of the whole thing, as an unbiased opinion, and he said that he knows nothing about horses but she looks like an expensive horse to him and if my inner feeling was that I should buy her to go for it!!!! He is so cautious with money, mine included, and used to be so anti horse owners that I couldn't believe my eyes! Now I just tell everyone that it was his fault - he made me buy her!!!!!

I haggled but got nowhere with her owner so I caved in and paid his asking price - £2500!!! I still can't quite believe that I did it - it's so crazy and the last thing I need is another horse - but I had to somehow. It feels right. Where I'll find the time or the energy for all of them heaven knows!

Everyone here thinks that I paid too much but they all love the mare and would like her for themselves. They are all asking to watch me train her, to see her learn in real time, and offering to video sessions for me too.

My friend who was watching this morning said that I made it look so easy and the others agreed. It's funny but I'm genuinely just beginning to think I might be any good at this and only because they're all telling me so. I never thought of myself as severely lacking in self confidence and self esteem in the past but I think now that I always have been. I've always come alive when I'm with my horses but I've never really believed that I'm any good with them. I told my friend this morning that it was the mare making it look easy but she said that I always do, with any horse. Time will tell but they all really believe in me which is so lovely of them!!!!

She was called Rush before but I need to think of a proper name for her. I will also need to find a nice owner for her eventually but in the meantime I'm going to have a lot of fun with her, learn a lot, teach a bit hopefully and with a coloured horse to ride I can really pretend that I'm Rosie!!!!!!

Here she is a few months ago with her previous owner's other horse who also started to misbehave and was put out on loan to a girl who gets on great with him!

Very Exciting News!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-23T12:28:00.002+01:00

I have some very exciting news to tell you but I'd better make it official first!!!!

To give you a clue it concerns this horses and a trip to the bank

Laughter and Inspiration.

2009-10-22T22:59:00.008+01:00

I had to put this link to a short video of The Devil's Horsemen at The Horse of the Year Show that Rosie put on her blog on here. It's Rosie on the grey horse at the beginning of the video and she looked every bit as amazing as she does on the video. I love the music too and would love to know who it is, if anyone knows? The video gives me tingles up my spine every time I watch it. It's everything I aspire to with my horses - in my dreams anyway!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oYEPCjcB2M&feature=fvw

I have been having a wonderful, happy time here. I feel anxiety free almost all of the time now and full of hope for the future. I have managed to make and keep all my friends, old and new, throughout all the madness and insecurity I've suffered with, which must have been the greatest test of friendship imaginable.

One of my friends and liveries said, when she arrived tonight, that all she can ever hear as she walks up the drive is the sound of laughter. We do all spend a tremendous amount of time laughing. There have been a few tears as well (not mine) which, having only lived with, and almost exclusively talked about anything that mattered with, a man for many years, I have found quite difficult to deal with but I'm getting there now. At least the tears have not been caused by me, I hope anyway!!!!

One of my two farmer friends, the first time he came to do the cattle after David died, leant on a gate in the cowshed talking to me and a single tear fell from the corner of his eye and ran slowly, unchecked, down his cheek. I'll never forget that because that's what happened to David when I was saying goodbye to him when they switched the ventilator off. He was sedated so I don't know how much he understood but it was the only tear he shed in hospital.

That single tear of my friends has meant so much to me. He has always kept things normal and cheerful whenever he's been with me since then, no matter how bad a state I was in. I'll never forget that, or how much he has done to keep me alive and sane(ish!!!!).

It may sound really sad to say it but I really do miss having male company always available - the right kind of male company anyway. I do still talk to my farmer friends a lot by text message, and have a lot of laughs that way, which is the next best thing. Hopefully they will both be coming to fence the school soon because, best of all, I love having them both here together. They often have me crying with laughter then and I have so many good memories stored up of all the times we spent together which, in the circumstances, says an awful lot about the sort of people and company they are!!!

My lodger is moving in at the end of the month and I'm really looking forward to that. He is really sweet natured and very understanding to talk to, despite being so young. His girlfriend is wise far beyond her years and is a constant support to me too. She sorts me out and keeps me happy and optimistic whenever I need a bit of a boost.

My other farmer friend came to see me last night and I told him about how I was having to adjust to being mainly with women and that I hoped he wasn't going to cry, no matter what! He said only if I stamped on his foot!!!!! He told me he had been shopping with his son the night before and had bought new socks and pants. He then showed me his new socks, which he was wearing, but, thankfully, refrained from showing me his new pants!!!!! Phew.........

Fitting Everything In.

2009-10-17T22:06:00.010+01:00

One of my liveries and friends brought her mother here with her the other day. I have very much wanted to meet her as hearing stories about her has inspired and intrigued me.

When she was about to turn sixty she decided that she wanted to backpack around the world for a year, by herself (her husband died some years before). She decided to learn how to shoot a gun, ride a motorbike and ride a horse, in case she needed to do any of those while travelling. She mastered the basics of those then set off and had a wonderful time. I thought that was so brave and inspiring.

When she was here she asked to see a quick clicker display and I was very keen to try and impress someone I admire so much. I took Bella into the field and did all the usual routine, including the bow, then decided to see if she would stand on the trough. When I tried this with her before she wasn't convinced that it was safe so I left it as I knew Jack would do it, and never got around to trying again.

Mother and daughter watched me encouraging Bella to give it a try, which only took a couple of minutes as I have done it so often with Jack now that I was convinced that it was safe and a reasonable request for her. When she stepped up onto it we got spontaneous applause and cheers. They seemed more impressed with watching her master that than with watching her do her well practised bow.

The mother said that she had never seen anything like that in real life before, only on the television. I was on cloud nine from that!!!!

I have been rushing around madly all week having sacked my solicitor and taken over the dispersal of David's estate myself. A few months ago I wouldn't have said boo to a goose and now I'm phoning partners in firms of solicitors and telling them that I no longer require their services!!!! I can't believe myself most of the time these days!!!!!

As a consequence my ponies have been left without attention yet again. Today Bella was seen in the field from some distance away, standing with her front feet on the trough. I think that she just may be trying to tell me something!!!!

My farrier came tonight to trim all their feet. I showed him Bella's bow and Spanish Walk.He used to be in King's Troop and spends a lot of time on film sets with a stunt team he shoes for. I told him that I want to teach Bella to lie down next and he told me how they do it with the stunt horses. I told him that I wanted to get her to volunteer to and not to make her do it and he said that it would take years as horses didn't like lying down on command. I told him I'd have her doing it before he comes again and asked him to make a bet with me about he. He wouldn't do it!!!!!!!

I think it's time I got on with it. Life is all about prioritising, isn't it, and training my ponies has been far too low down my list of priorities for far too long now. They deserve better and so do I. The house and farm are well under control and my business looks sustainable and comfortable. I have won the friendship and affection of everyone here. I can afford to slow down and relax a little now but I think that trying so hard and caring so much has become rather addictive because I get so much back from everyone all of the time.

Maybe earlier mornings are the answer because I really do want to be able to spend as much time as possible with everyone here, plus give my ponies my undivided attention whenever I'm training them. To that end I'm off for an earlier night than usual now, once I've been out and said goodnight to my ponies. Telling you about my next round of plans for new friend and business making schemes will have to wait a little longer!!!!!

Videos of Grace and Reinless Halts.

2009-10-13T21:39:00.003+01:00

I got up early this morning and found the time to ride all three of my Dales plus longrein Crystal. I also managed to talk a friend into videoing Grace and I doing reinfree stops in the field. I love doing this so much! I hate feeling old and doing this sort of thing makes me feel like a teenager again. Grace loves it too and is now so keen to canter, having been clicked and treated for halting after the canter - a bit of reverse physcology - she has to canter to get to the bit that she gets clicked and treated for. It's almost impossible to believe that she used to hate cantering and was very unbalanced and uncomfortable in canter.

I'm also working up to standing on her back, as you can see from the other video. I have a little way to go yet but I'm using Rosie as my role model!!! I like to pretend that I'm someone I admire when I'm doing all sorts of things and with riding I've gone from imagining that I'm Camilla Naprous to imagining that I'm Rosie!! It's a bit mad, I know, but it keeps me happy!!!!!!!!

The Horse of the Year Show.

2009-10-11T21:56:00.003+01:00

I had such a fantastic day today!!! I had my first experience of motorway driving by driving the one and a half hour journey to the N.E.C. for the Horse of the Year Show. It was a bit daunting to begin with but I soon got the hang of overtaking and driving at speed. My friend that I went with, who bought me a ticket as a birthday present, let me drive her van and didn't visibly panic at all!!!

The Devil's Horsemen were appearing at the show and Rosie from Jive Pony, who was riding for them there, had very kindly offered to meet me so I could get some more posters from her. She is really lovely and a really sweet girl. She asked about the party and I showed her the jacket I bought for Meg with 'Terrier(ist)' written on it!!! I got her to sign one of the posters to one of my farmer friends with lots of love from her, so that will put a smile on his face!!!!

The Devil's Horsemen were just brilliant as always. They did a Phantom of the Opera based show, with Rosie first in, standing on the back of a beautiful grey horse, cantering around the ring and them exiting at a flat out gallop. It was breathtaking!!!

I had a lovely time spending some birthday money on a fancy fleece rug and a headcollar for Crystal, a bling V-shaped browband for Bella, and some headcollars for all of them to replace the ones which were stolen.

I also bought a percussion massage hammer machine for my two farmer friends as one of them has trouble with his back almost constantly and the other put his out yesterday and was in a lot of pain. I had it tried out on me and it did feel really good. If they think it does any good I might have to buy myself one too.

When we got back just before dark my horses were all already in their stables, rugs changed, chomping happily away on their hay. I am very, very lucky with my friends!!!!

Barney Ridng Denny and Friends in Need.

2009-10-10T21:16:00.003+01:00

I have been helping muck out some Clydesdales a couple of miles away from here first thing in the morning because their owner is in hospital and one of my liveries was wearing herself out doing them alone before work everyday, seven days a week, for the last three weeks, with no end in sight yet.

They are beautiful, huge, gentle horses. The two I been leading out to the field at 5.30am are called Silent and Starlight, which has been very appropriate!!! I have thoroughly enjoyed meeting them but it has taken my eye off the ball a bit at home.

One of my liveries has been really struggling and I hadn't realised how much. She has three young children between ten and two years old, three part stabled horses, a part time job, a dog and a house and husband to look after and it's all been getting too much for her. She will never ask for help and is always trying to help other people. I should have noticed how worn out she has been getting before now but she always tries to smile through it all.

I mucked her horses out for her today and insisted she let me help her more but she hates to feel that she's being a nuisance. I told her that she knows she would do the same for me, and she would! I had a chat with some other liveries this evening and we are all determined to help her, whether she likes it or not!!!!!!!! She is the sweetest, kindest person imaginable and would do anything for anyone and we all love her to bits. She is the sort of person everyone tells all their troubles to and she always tries to help and advise in a very quiet, unassumimg way.

I also have someone else here who's father has just been told that he doesn't have long to live. I thought that I was going to have trouble coping with this situation as it's so soon for me but they came up yesterday and it was fine. She was trying very hard not to cry so I took her aside and told her how I managed to keep a smile on my face in the hospital, no matter what, then went and talked to her dad about ordinary, everyday things. Another livery and I got their horses in for them and her dad rode his. He then asked me if I'd like to have a go on him, which I did, then his daughter rode him too. I told them of my plans to break Crystal to harness, as they broke his for driving too, and he was very enthusiastic about helping me.

His daughter text me later to thank me for helping and for making things feel normal and I realised that it often seems to be that loss of a sense of normality that seems to be the hardest thing to cope with. They both want to enjoy what time they have left together but they had no idea how to go about doing that or even if it was possible or realistic to try to. That's something I feel qualified to help with and it gave me so much pleasure to be part of a couple of happy hours that they had with their horses. I hope they have many, many more and that she can stay strong enough to enjoy them to the full with him. I will do everything I can to help and will always be my usual happy, smiling self for them as well as for myself.

I think that I have actually become a very strong person now, it's just a question of keeping on believing it and not panicking and texting my farmer friends for reassurance every time the going gets a little tough. Hearing from them always makes me feel safe and the relief of receiving their replies is always overwhelming, regardless of what they say, but the fact that I know how much I rely on them is not very good for my self esteem, plus any major delay in replying leaves me feeling a bit frantic. I know that I am quite tough on myself but, on the whole, I think that's a good and positive thing.

One of my farmer friends has been doing some jobs around the place for the last couple of days and letting me help him. I love working with them so much. We always have such a good laugh and we all know and understand each other so well now, with loads of stored up private jokes between us. He was making a list today of all the jobs that we are going to do together and all the plans we have. That is so reassuring for me as I'm always worrying that everyone will get fed up with me and go away never to return. I need to be able to see and plan for an enjoyable, companionable future as well as enjoying the here and now.

They both get on really well with all the people here too and we all care for and look after and out for each other. There are still loads of improvements to be done around the farm but this feels like a wonderful place to be these days. The sad thing is that David would have loved it too, and loved talking to all the people here. He would have especially loved getting to know these two friend as well as I do now because he had no idea just what special, extraordinary people they are.

After the party my livieries and friends have been suggesting we have some regular social evenings, which sounds just wonderful to me. I always thought that I was the only one without friends and a social life but many people seem to be in the same boat and everyone seemed to love the party so much. Even the people who said they didn't do parties are asking for more, if a bit smaller, so we can all get to know each other really well.

Here are some photos of the lovely Barney riding Denny. He does walk and trot, and we are thinking of training him up as a stunt/vaulting dog to save us trying to do it!!!!

Party of a Lifetime!

2009-10-04T22:00:00.002+01:00

The party was just wonderful! About 50 or more people turned up and I have never laughed so much in my entire life! I didn't have a drop of alcohol all evening but my friends made me feel like the teenager I never was, with university acquired drinking games that were just hilarious, especially as I was only drinking tea!!!

It was just brilliant to have so many friends here and to have them all meet each other. My internet friends Hilary and Charlotte came. Hilary drove all the way from Yorkshire, and back again, and Charlotte, who I hadn't met before, drove from Surrey and back. They met everyone including my two farmer friends and most of my friends who keep their horses here. It was so lovely to meet Charlotte, who I felt as though I'd known for ages, and to see Hilary again. It was so good of them to come.

I loved seeing three friends, who are not party people and don't go out much, having a wonderful time joining in the drinking games and falling about laughing. The best of the fun was because of Sapphires young owner organising us and cajoling us to join in. She is the loveliest person, wise far beyond her years, and looks after us all. Resistance is futile when she is determined to make you enjoy yourself to the full!!!

I have had a couple of people remark on how badly I walk recently, due to a bad back from too many years bent over a muckfork and wheelbarrow, but Hilary came up with the way to motivate me into trying to do something about it. She said that because I've trained my horses to mirror me if I'm downhill then they always will be too. I knew my posture was terrible but had been trying to convince myself that it didn't really matter. The thought that improving it might improve my horses way of going is the motivation I need to try and do something about it!

The party didn't end until nearly 2am but I woke up full of energy and enthusiasm today. I rode Bella for the first time in months and she was so pleased. She went beautifully and in the yard afterwards she stood with the front of her face pressed against my forehead. Her friend Russell was calling for her from the field but she just wanted to be close to me. It brought tears to my eyes and made me realise that she is a pony of a lifetime in the making. She deserves much more than I've been giving her for the last few months. I fell in love with her all over again today.

I rode Jack for the 2nd time in six months, the first being several months ago. He was so willing and eager to please, and feels so steady in his mind now. He too deserves much more of my attention. They have both been so patient with me.

I rode Grace out with Joy's owner and her daughter, Sapphire's owner, and loved being out with both of them. They really have made me feel like part of their family and I'm so grateful to them for that.

Even after having everyone here together for so long last night I still felt the old anxiety again today when everyone had gone - that they wouldn't come back and I'd never see them again. This time I didn't go in for frantic texting for reassurance. I just tried to ignore it and concentrated on my ponies and by the end of the day they had nearly all either returned or text me to thank me for the party.

I have come to the conclusion that the secret of life for me, on the whole, apart from trying to learn how to do as many different things as I can, is merely trying to hold my nerve and, on occasions, blagging it - acting as though I'm confident, in control of myself and cheerful, even when I feel the complete reverse. Those, along with making sure people know how much I care about them and appreciate them, and always being scrupulously polite and thanking everyone for everything should be enough to make sure that my friends do keep on coming back here indefinitely. The thought of losing even one of them would be too much to bear.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm going out for a meal in the evening with 3 friends, I told someone today that I had jokingly said that it would be a "sad singles" night out but one of them has just begun a new relationship and the other two would not appreciate the term "sad", so if they find out I could find myself eating alone!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dales Like to be Different.

2009-09-30T22:41:00.004+01:00

The dentist came to do my horse's teeth yesterday. I haven't seen him for a year and he was saying how long a year is in people's lives and how much their lives can change in that time. He also told me that he and his wife have been together for 12 years and are hardly ever apart but she is going away for the weekend and how strange and lonely it will be, spending it alone, albeit with their four dogs. I love it when people admit things like that to me because it makes me feel more normal.

He also said that a dog of his had died in similar circumstances to David and that he thought watching a person die like that could be enough to unhinge someone, which again made me feel more rational and normal. I replied that it did just about unhinge me but plenty of people go through similar or worse scenarios and survive more or less intact. I have too.

When we came to rasping Bella and Jack's teeth I told him that they both get a bit bargy when they're worried and I'd found that the easiest way to get their teeth done was over the door as neither of them ever thinks of pulling back or rearing, they just push forward which is not a problem if there's a door or gate for them to lean on. He was a bit dubious but tried it and got them both done without any problems.

He said that he would never have thought of trying that as he would have assumed that most horses would just shoot backwards out of reach. I told him that Dales like to be different and he said that would be a great slogan! I thought that was a fantastic idea and it will be our slogan from now on!!! I'm going to get a T shirt and sweatshirt printed with it on!!

I've been collecting even more people. I have a possible lodger and a definite tenant for a mobile home if I can find one at an affordable price. He is a qualified plumber but comes alive when playing with diesel engines in the open air and is willing and more than able to turn his hand to just about anything that needs doing around here - fencing, building repairs and maintenance, lighting, and of course tractor, Land Rover and farm machinery maintenance. He has had to move back in with his parents and longs for his own space and a bit of freedom, plus some countryside and fresh air.

My possible lodger is keen to learn all these skills too but at the moment he is as clueless as I am, so hopefully we can both learn from him. There are so many jobs around here that are nothing jobs for two people but a nightmare on my own - even the ones I know how to do!!! The loader tractor, which is unreliable at the best of times, breaking down in the winter would mean that I'd be struggling to get the cattle fed and I can't keep asking my farmer friends to bale me out every five minutes. They have their own farm and families to worry about. If I had someone here I could rely on to keep the tractor running and help out in general when needed I could be much more relaxed about life, while I learn how to do all these things myself. I have looked for a tractor or vehicle maintenance course but there's absolutely nothing around here.

My possible lodger's girlfriend keeps her horse here and told me the other day that I needn't worry about being lonely anymore as I have all of them now. She went back to university today and I miss her already.

Guinness, Tammy and Morris's owner, who is a really great friend of mine, told me that her younger daughter, who is 8 years old, has started carrying a photo of Maurice to school with her. When asked why she replied that she misses him during the day, so likes to get his picture out to look at. She also gives her mum the third degree if she comes up to get them in without her "Did you put Maurice's pajamas on? Did you plait his tail up? Did he eat his tea? Is he alright?" It made me want to get back there again - to loving my horses more than anything else and letting them fill the emotional void I have. I'm still not being fair to them or giving them enough of my attention. I'm still "looking to people for the answers instead of to my horses", as Alexandra Kurland would say. She uses the phrase in a different context but, as she also says "Everything is everything else". I used to be just like that 8 year old and I want to be again, instead of this obsessive desire to be with people all of the time.

I guess the positive of this is it's giving me a real insight into what it's like to be a herd bound horse left alone with humans for some of the time. That's not very relevant with my own horses as my Dales are very independent and not very sociable with other horses - they prefer human company. That's quite tough for them at the moment as they don't get anywhere near as much of mine as they used to and I must start to turn that around, for my sake and for theirs.

Someone from Sweden emailed me today, about my blogs and my post on The Click That Teaches Discussion Group and it made me cry. She said she knows all about anxiety and depression, and feeling worthless, and that I was a hero of hers. I've had the gnawing anxiety back again a bit today, all to do with having some furniture and bric a braque taken away that I didn't even like, so I felt a bit of a fraud reading it but am very touched and humbled. She lit up a difficult day and I'm really grateful to her for everything she said and for sending me some pictures of her beautiful horses.

While the stuff was being loaded onto a lorry parked next to us I stood watching my new plumber friend repairing some guttering on a stable. I didn't think I was giving anything away about how I was feeling but, although he is usually very quiet and shy, he kept talking to me and stayed close by. He said afterwards that it must be horrible seeing things taken away. I said not horrible, just weird. I don't know him very well yet but I was very glad of his company and his insight.

Perhaps people do have some of the answers, for me, after all.

Photo Gallery of the Horses.

2009-09-26T22:41:00.008+01:00

Here are some photos of the horses here. If you click on any of the photos you can see the large, or in some cases the enormous version!

First is Denny and Crystal, who have recently been introduced:

My Four Hooligans, Russell, 14.2 hands and 21yo, part bred Welsh Cob who I bred and saw born, Bella, Jack and Grace:

Maurice, who is an 11.2 hand Welsh Section A, about 18 years old. He was a free gift to his owner as he had a lot of attitude but he is fast turning into an excellent child's pony:

Maurice's fieldmate, Joy, who keeps him firmly in his place and stops him getting too cocky. Joy is about 15.2 hands and a part bred Welsh Cob. She is about 13yo and has had laminitis so is on restricted grazing. She is regularly ridden and is very well behaved but is claustrophobic and hates being in a stable:

Sapphire, who is a 15.2 hand 4yo and a TB/Warmblood cross.

Chantal, who is 14.2 hands and 27yo. She is an Arab and is very arthritic but is happy to potter about with small children on her back and is totally trustworthy on or off the lead rein:

Rush, who is 14.1 hands and 4yo. She is being trained for Western riding and is not too happy about it. She is developing a bad attitude to work and to her owner but I'm not sure he has the patience for clicker training:

Woody and Rupert, the newest arrivals. Woody is a 15.1 hands 6yo Welsh Cob who is ridden Western style and Rupert is an elderly very small pony of indeterminate breeding. He was bought from the gypsies at the side of the road. He is very quiet and an excellent child's pony. They have both had laminitis fairly recently and are both on strict diets as they are both badly overweight:

Tammy, the chestnut, who is about 16 hands and 23yo. She is very arthritic and possibly has Cushings Disease. She is retired. The bay is Hettie. She is 15.2 hands, 17yo and a part bred Shire. She had an accident to her hind leg a couple of years ago and, despite an operation, is not 100% sound. They make ideal companions for each other as they both just want a quiet, peaceful life:

Guinness, the grey, who is about 15.2 hands and 17yo. He and his owner had totally lost confidence in each other when he first arrived and he had become very wound up and nappy. He is a total clicker training success story as he is unrecognisable from the horse who came here just 4 months ago. He is calm, relaxed and happy, and so is his owner! Tom is 23 yo, 15 hands and an ex driving horse who was delivering coal in Dublin when he was 3yo. He wasn't gelded until he was 4yo and is very macho with other horses. The mares all love him. He had problems with his shoulder which ended his driving career but he is lightly ridden still, which he loves, and he is anyone's ride, as he has seen everything and has the 'T' shirt! He has lived here since he was 5yo.

Anxiety and Reassurance.

2009-09-25T23:27:00.011+01:00

I never really knew what anxiety felt like until a few months ago. For the last 28 years I had always felt safe and cared for but now I'm only too familiar with it. It was almost constant just after David died and was probably the reason I couldn't eat at all for a while. It's a feeling of intense dread, as though something terrible is going to happen unless I do something to avert it, which is tricky when the dreadful thing has already happened. It affects my breathing and it's almost as though I forget to breath and have to keep taking lots of deep breaths to try to minimise the gut wrenching effects of it.

I thought I'd shaken it off completely now so it was a huge disappointment when it crept up on me again a couple of days ago. It never happens now if I'm with other people and it only sneaks up on me when I'm alone.

I fight back by going a bit hyper and throwing myself into anything suitably challenging that will give me a high if I can master it, or by texting a friend who always makes me feel safe just by replying. I don't really know why, or why only he can do this for me, but I think it's because he has a stillness and calmness about him that's very soothing, plus I know he will always tell me the truth as he sees it, even if it's difficult to hear, if he thinks it's in my best interest to be told. I trust him implicitly never to just humour me or spare me. I use texting because I'm better at explaining things in writing and can tell him things I'd be too embarrassed to say face to face, or even on the phone. Some of the things I've told him make me wonder how I look him in the eye but no matter how insane my messages sound he always understands and now knows me better than I know myself.

When anxiety struck this time I was too tired for the hyper strategy so I asked him if everything going on here looked OK to him, because I still felt as if I wasn't doing enough or trying hard enough somehow. He reassured me and I immediately felt better.

It's what I try to do with my horses, now I know how it feels to be anxious and know what sort of person I need to make me feel safe. I try to copy his calmness and stillness and it has been hugely helpful to me when dealing with nervous horses. It's almost like a martial arts type quality - a grounding and centering - real emotional control and stability, combined with tremendous sympathy and empathy.

That same evening I watched a programme on the television about two soldiers wounded in Afghanistan and their rehabilitation. One particularly touched and inspired me. He had lost both legs above the knee and one arm, and yet he was SO cheerful and positive. It made me feel ashamed. I have everything going for me and nothing to complain about. Putting up with a small and ever decreasing amount of anxiety is such a tiny thing to have to bear. I hope I can remember him next time I feel it coming on and just brush it aside and ignore it as the triviality it is.

The fact that I watched this programme is a step forward too, as for some reason watching the television used to bring on anxiety, as did listening to the radio. That seems to have gone now too and I'm starting to watch the programmes we used to love again but I would never rush in to watch anything anymore. I'd rather be outside with people and horses. I am very, very lucky because I have plenty of both here to keep me company now.

I text the designer of the Inky Dinky Saddle to tell her how delighted I am with it and how, when the children told me how comfortable it is, I just had to have a sit in it myself. She asked me if I'd write a testimonial for her new website, with photos if possible. I said it would be an honour and asked if she'd like one of a 52yo sitting in it as well, for comic effect, and she said yes! I told her only on the condition that it had the caption under it "The Biggest Kid of the Lot"! Her reply was "absolutely"!!!!

Crystal's First Show with Us.

2009-09-20T21:58:00.011+01:00

Crystal was a little angel at the show today. She is a total pro and knows the job inside out. Her 10 year old handler had never taken a pony in the ring before but did a superb job and followed instructions to the letter, with three generations of her family cheering them on and wearing a waistcoat especially made for her by her grandmother who was watching too.

She came 3rd in quite a big class in the Junior Handler and then, spurred on by her success, she took their own pony, who has been a bit of a character in the past, in the Unregistered Mountain and Moorland. Her family were waiting for disater to strike but Maurice was perfectly behaved and completely relaxed, showed himself off beautifully and came 5th. She was so delighted to win 2 rosettes at her very first show.

I took Crystal in the Registered Moutain and Moorland and came 5th too. The judge told me she was too quiet and needed waking up a bit. I replied that she was just the way I wanted her to be, as a pony for small children to ride, and I wouldn't change a single thing about her. I have SO got the right pony for the job and she is worth her weight in gold to me!

Her handler's sister rode her round to the show and home again and I had people asking about the Inky Dinky Saddle. I told them how wonderful it is and how to find the website.

We all had such a brilliant day and all came home together exausted but very happy. The two girls and their mum said that competing at the show had always been their dream. Now they've not only done that but won rossetes too!!! We are already planning some ridden classes for them next year. I enjoyed watching and helping the girls far more than doing it myself, giving them thumbs up from outside the ring and taking loads of photos. I waa so proud of them all today and they all looked like they did this sort of thing every day of the week. To be part of their joy and elation was a real privilige and I loved every second of it!

When we got home one of my farmer friends was here with his daughter and we managed to get some tractor jobs done and did some planning on what we are tackling next. He hates to see me spending money on anything and tries to find a way for them to get everything done for me, which is incredibly kind of them both but I worry all the time that they do too much here for nothing, when they're not big wage earners either. I haven't even managed to get a bill out of them for doing the hay and haylage yet! I keep telling them that I'll spend it all on buying small ponies if they don't produce one soon!!!!

He reminded me that just a couple of months ago I was telling him that I would never get the hang of driving and would have to get a motor bike. I was SUCH a drama queen!!!!

Here are the photos from today. The grey is the girls pony, Maurice, who lives here too.

Busy, Busy, Busy!!!!

2009-09-19T21:56:00.005+01:00

I've had a very busy few days. I had to go to the Probate meeting on Friday which was in a city centre. I didn't fancy trying to park the Landy and didn't really know where I was going so took a taxi instead. The taxi driver drove me to the hospital many times in February and March and I hadn't seen him since. His wife worked in the doctors surgery that David went to and so he knew that David had died. He was great company then and now, and very kind and understanding. I invited him and his wife to the party and I think they'll come.

The two new horses arrived late last night. They are a chestnut Welsh Cob with a flaxen mane and tail who drives and does Western, and the cutest little companion pony called Rupert, who loves childen and lots of fuss. They both settled in straight away and seem quite at home here. I must take photos of all these horses!

Denny's owner, her other half and her brother came today to get her stables ready and they are all such great people and such good fun to be with. She has the cutest dog I've ever seen who rides her ponies. I've told her that I must take a photo to put on here.

I drove to the local saddlery to get Crystal a bridle as we are taking her to the local show tomorrow. One of my friend's daughters is taking her in the Young Handler and we're walking there in a convoy of ponies and children, and meeting Denny's owner there with Denny's mum, Baby. I'm really looking forward to it. I might take Crystal in the In Hand Mountain and Moorland as well. I bathed her tonight and she was very patient and tolerant.

All three of my friend's children had a sit on her on Thursday, in the Inky Dinky saddle. The two year old had only sat on a stationary pony once before but the Inky Dinky made him sit like a dressage rider and he was so stable and balanced on it. They all said how comfortable it was so I just HAD to try it!!!!! It's fantastic and I loved it. It's designer told me that she'd had a small 10yo in it. I will have to let her know she's had a 52yo in it now!!!!

One of my farmer friends wanted to borrow an electric fencing unit for his partridges and so I loaded it and Meggie into the Land Rover and drove them around to their farm. I just LOVED being able to do something for him for a change!! I had a good chat with his wife and his mother and drove home feeling proud of myself and useful for once. I love the Landy more every time I drive it now. Everyone says that if I can drive that I can drive anything and I can drive it, and drive it well. It makes me feel really proud, happy and confident.

After I passed my driving theory test we all met at the local pub for a drink and I felt like crying. I felt like half a person out with a load of whole people, even though several of them are single and they were all being incredibly kind to me. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel like a whole person again now.

First Proper Solo Journey.

2009-09-17T22:08:00.003+01:00

I drove the 15 miles to the dentist today and loved every moment of it. I had expected the lonely, anxious feeling that I've been plagued with when I'm on my own to return when I was in the Land Rover on my own but it didn't. I just felt jubilant, independent and competent. I felt like a capable survivor with a whole new life to look forward to and I really am looking forward to it.

Denny's owner and her brother are getting some stables around the back ready for her three ponies and she is already a great friend of mine, along with her other half, and her brother seems to be a great laugh too. I can't wait for her to move in properly as I think we are going to have such a fantastic time together.

I've got three goats coming on livery on the 1st October and I know their owner from years ago, plus a horse and a pony coming on Saturday and their owner is lovely too. We are all such an energetic, enthusiastic, young at heart crowd determined to enjoy ourselves and our horses to the full. It's going to be great!!!!

One of my farmer friends came tonight and it was so lovely to see him and talk to him, as I haven't seen him for what seems like ages and there was so much to tell. He told me by text yesterday that I'm amazing, which was a bit embarrassing but lovely of him, considering I couldn't have achieved any of this without the work, care, time and effort he and his brother have put into this place and into me.

He asked if I thought I'd had any help from beyond the grave yesterday and I said yes, I thought that I had. I told him that, as I was driving home today I kept hearing this voice in my head saying "keep it". I had decided to get a more modern vehicle with power steering and a heater, that was easy to drive and went where you pointed it without wandering about but the Land Rover feels reliable, dependable and home, so I'll go with the voice for the time being.

I hadn't driven the Land Rover for a while, to avoid getting mixed up in the mini during the test. Today, every time I looked in the rear view mirror, I saw the sticker that his brother bought me - One Life Live It - and it made me smile each and every time. Without the two of them I might well have been dead by now, as I had more or less decided that my life was over and I only had years of loneliness left with no-one to care if I lived or died. They showed me that they cared, a lot, though it took me ages to really believe it, and now I know that loads of other people do too.

One Life, and I am certainly living it!!!!!!!!

I Passed!!!!!!

2009-09-16T14:05:00.002+01:00

I took my driving theory test at 11 minutes past 11 this morning and I passed!!!! It hasn't really sunk in yet and I keep thinking I'll wake up soon and still have it to come.

I had 4 minors when you're allowed 16 and the examiner seemed as shocked at someone my age doing so well as I was. I managed to keep very calm throughout and the examiner was really lovely and we had a good chat on the drive. If it doesn't sound too weird I actually quite enjoyed it! I was shaking like a leaf when she told me I'd passed though!!!!

The examiner used to ride but was kicked by a 17.2 and ruptured her liver. She was only found by chance and nearly died in Intensive Care so is now understandably terrified of horses. I told her if she ever wanted to work on her fear to come here and I'll introduce her to some really kind horses who wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone. She told me that I'd done so well because horse people are fearless. If only she knew.............!!!!!!!!!

A big thank you to Janette and David for the lovely good luck card they sent me - it was really kind and it really helped to know how many people were rooting for me. My phone has been red hot since I got back.

I've already done my first solo trip to the local saddlery and am driving myself to the dentist tomorrow, so there's a real treat!!!!

Being with Crystal.

2009-09-15T16:03:00.009+01:00

I suddenly realised yesterday that, having spent a couple of hours playing around with Crystal, I felt much better than I have for ages. The world seems suddenly to have gone back to feeling like a benign place to be and the slightly hyped up way I've felt to some degree or other ever since March has vanished. It might just be coincidence but I think it's to do with Crystal.

She has come here to a totally strange place, leaving everything and everyone familiar behind her, and she's just accepted it all, settled down and made the best of it. I still had plenty of familiar things and people around me but it's still taken me six months to do the same.

Ages ago a friend of mine, when I text him and asked him if he'd ever been afraid of the future, told me he'd been where I was and the secret was to try not to look too hard into the future or you ended up with knots in your stomach and wanting to run away. He said just to take deep breaths and try to go with the flow. His words touched and helped me so much that I printed them off in copper plate script and framed them. They hang on the wall and I read them often.

No-one had to tell Crystal that - she just knew. She has decided to settle down and hope for the best and the best is exactly what she's going to get.

The same friend also text me the other day and said that he was glad I was looking so happy and seemed to be having fun because life has to be fun. His children are so lucky to have him as their father.

With all my lovely, kind friends and lovely, kind ponies how could life be anything else?!

Crystal.

2009-09-14T21:57:00.006+01:00

This is my lovely little Crystal who I somehow don't think will be going back at the end of her trial period, especially as I have already bought her a rug, a head collar and a crystal browband!

Crystal is a 13yo Welsh Section A, about 11.1 hands high. She used to be a leadrein showpony and the family I am buying her from bought her from a showing family for their 6yo son to join his older sisters riding. I've seen photos of him riding her when he first got her where they both look really happy. His sisters then decided to get her jumping and galloping with plenty of use of the stick. Crystal decided to retaliate by doing as little as she could get away with and refusing to budge if she got too fed up with them. The son then decided he didn't like riding after all so she is up for sale.

They are nice kids but all their ponies are nappy and unco-operative because of the amount of force and lack of appreciation they are shown. The ponies are all still very nice natured and kind to handle but don't like being ridden very much. Their mum doesn't like the way her children are "stick happy" but says it's the only way to get the ponies to move. She volunteered this information, by the way, I never said a word of critisism and thanked the children profusely for showing their ponies to me.

When they delivered Crystal I gave them a very quick display with Bella and Jack. They were quite literally open mouthed.

Crystal was very stubborn yesterday but I refuse to take a whip anywhere near her at the moment and am just using a combination of persistance combined with effusive praise and thanks for any effort she makes. She is already blossoming and I long reined her today on the roads and around the fields with very few unrequested stops. I don't have a bridle small enough yet but she is as light as a feather at the end of the reins attached to a headcollar and has beautiful manners. I also tried a quick lunge and she lunges perfectly, presumably not having done so since her showing career ended.

She is a bit snorty out in front of me on the road and I don't suppose she is used to being in the lead, but she has been perfect with the traffic. She is very tolerant of the dogs and poultry and has a lovely, friendly nature.

I text the mother of the children for whom I am really buying Crystal, for them to ride, in partial return for all that their father has done for me and all of his time that I have taken up, and told her that I think she is probably just as much for me as for anyone else. I'm really smitten with her and she is just a pleasure to be with. She is the pony I always wanted as a child and was never allowed to have!

The only thing that worries me about her is the size of her stomach. I did wonder if I should have her pregnancy tested but I don't think I could send her back now anyway!

Here she is:

More Friends and another possible Pony.

2009-09-11T23:28:00.002+01:00

My yard is now officially full!!! In fact it's probably slightly over full. That's all through word of mouth and in just a few months, and the new people who came to look today are keen to find out more about clicker training too.

I never really believed a few months ago that this would be possible - to fill the place up with like-minded people who would help and support each other with never a cross word, no moody behaviour, and all becoming close friends with me and with each other. As he reminded me on Tuesday I had told my main inspiration that I am an idealist and I would never be able to find enough people in the horse world who felt the way I do about horses - how wrong can you be?!!

It's going to be noisy. There will be 5 children around the place, two of which are only two years old, and 10 dogs at times but that's just the way I like it. You can keep peace and quiet as far as I'm concerned - I've had enough of that to last a lifetime! I'm useless without other people around me and need people to bounce ideas and enthusiasm around with.

A friend told me the other night that she's never seen anyone change as much in such a short time as I have. She says she met a quiet, shy person a year ago who bears no resemblance to the outgoing, bubbly person that I am now. Another friend says that I collect people now. It's been a hard, painful road but the only way I could survive it was to find a way to make loads of friends very quickly and make sure that they always know how much I appreciate them and their company.

One of my farmer friends said that I could charm anyone. It was kindly meant but it stung a little because I thought it made me sound a bit false and I'm never that. I genuinely love all of my friends and am so proud that I can call them all my friends. I can't wait for them to arrive every day and miss them like crazy if I don't see them for a few days.

When I go to the local saddlery and feed store it's like being here because the staff nearly all keep their horses here now. The one that doesn't says that she feels quite left out! My life has changed beyond all recognition and I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that it's all for real and not some dream that I'll wake up from. This is the person that I am now and it is a vast improvement on who I was before. I wish that David could see me now and see what I've found that I'm capable of. He would be amazed!!!

I'm going to see another pony tomorrow who sounds ideal. My Inky Dinky Saddle arrived today so I just need a pony to put it on. It's a bit mad - buying a pony for someone else's children when I'm not even sure if they'll take to riding but at least I'll be trying to give them something back for all they've done for me, in the only way I know how, and I love small ponies so it will make me very happy. I think I've probably earnt it.

The Adult's Pony.

2009-09-10T22:31:00.002+01:00

Unfortunately I've found a bit of a problem with Denny. I had a friend's experienced children groom him and have a ride on him and he was a very unhappy pony. He is the happiest pony imaginable with adults around him but children make him very nervous and on edge, and although he did nothing nasty he was very tense and unhappy and wouldn't relax for a second. I need a really quiet, tolerant pony for two very young children so Denny doesn't fit the bill at all.

I was dreading telling his owner but she was great about it. The yard she's at won't allow children on the place so she had no idea that something must have happened to him at his last loan home to upset him when it comes to children. Luckily she likes it here so much she wants to leave him here and bring his mum and younger brother too. At least here she can work on getting him confident around children again. She is a really great person and we get on like a house on fire so it's all turned out well.

I have already bought an Inky Dinky Saddle which should arrive tomorrow so the hunt for a suitable pony will continue, and Denny's owner says that I can give his mum a try too.

My driving has gone completely to pot at the moment. I'm hoping that I'm getting all the gremlins out of the way this week so that I will be brilliant next week. I was a bit down today because my instructor told me that I need to drive as though I'm good enough to be there and worthy of my place on the road. I thought I'd got over feeling worthless and feeling like half a person, so it was tough to hear him say that. I thought I was appearing quite confident and assertive now. I know that I still try too hard and care too much about everything but that's got to be better than not trying or caring enough, hasn't it?

Oh well, I've got until Wednesday to get my act together, somehow!!!!!!

Denny the Superstar.

2009-09-07T22:43:00.009+01:00

I rode Denny today and he was just fabulous. I felt enormous just standing next to him, let alone getting on him, and my smallest saddle, my 17" Fhoenix, looked huge on him too but he didn't sag in the middle as I got on and did everything I asked with no fuss at all, including a little canter on each rein. He has never set foot in our school before but I rode him straight in there and he didn't spook at anything, even the goats half way up the bank. He has a few things I need to work on. I would like him to halt from a verbal cue and a lighter rein cue, and to stand still without fidgeting until asked to move, but they are minor things which should be easy to teach him quickly as he is very keen to please and doesn't seem to have a mean bone in his body. I was warned that something happened at his last loan home which has left him scared of tractors so I will work on that too - all with the clicker, of course! He seems to be a very kind, sensible, genuine pony and I think he's going to fit in really well Here are some photos which a kind friend took for me today, plus a very short video clip from my ordinary camera which I didn't even know it could do!!!

:

New Pony and New Friends.

2009-09-06T21:02:00.002+01:00

My life continues at it's usual whirlwind pace, thank goodness!!! I'm best without too much time to stop and think.

I have a 12.2hh New Forest Pony on a months trial to teach my farmer friend's children to ride on. He arrived this morning and has spent the whole day telling my Dales that he may be small but he's not going to be bullied by anyone! I'll take some photos tomorrow.

He's called Denny and he's 16 years old and has a very wise face. His owner's dog rode him here (he only lived just up the road with his mum and younger brother) and he has taken the pig, poultry, goats, etc in his stride. He is just about big enough for me to get on now I'm quite thin, so I'm going to try him out tomorrow before any children try him. I also want to buy one of Jill Shepard's Inky Dinky Saddles which I think should be made in adult sizes too!!! I'm not getting the pink version though!

http://www.inkydinky.uk.com/

I also have rented a stable and grazing to 3 goats and, through their owner, have an invitation to go and learn about working heavy horses with Clydesdales used for logging etc. They do demonstrations and their owner is passionate about promoting heavies and teaching people how to work them. I would very much like to do something similar to promote Dales Ponies and show how versatile and what fantastic temperaments and brains they have one day, so I'm very keen to meet him.

Someone has also asked for first refusal on my last two stables when they are ready for occupancy. I have already given her a clicker display and she was very keen and could see all the possibilities it offers straight away. I like her a lot and already regard her as a friend.

I have suddenly acquired loads of new friends and new possibilities and am so full of energy no-one can keep pace with me. I think it's the result of years of feeling slightly bored and under stretched, to be honest, plus the relief of finding that I am suddenly passionate about my ponies and my life again. I still don't much like being left on my own but that happens less and less now anyway. I wish David could see me now - he would be amazed and so proud of me, and of our 3 best friends who have made all of this possible and still prop me up constantly in terms of morale, reassurance and practical help.

I take my driving test a week on Wednesday. My instructor has been just fantastic and I am striving to stay in touch with him and his wife. I have enjoyed his company so much and he often made me forget all my worries when I was with him, even in the early days. I used to hate coming home to an empty, silent house after being in his company but that is no longer the case, thank goodness. I have more to thank him for than just for teaching me to drive and I really like his wife too. I hope they will both become my friends when my lessons are finished.

I find it hard to believe now how black and empty my life looked when David died. We were too self contained and I didn't make any effort to make or maintain close friendships with anyone else. I will never, ever make that mistake again and value friendship above all else now, both male and female friends. Relationships are great but with very close friends I have the support and freedom to be whoever I want to be and to do whatever I want to do. There's no jealousy or insecurity to deal with and it's very liberating, if a little scary!!! I try to make sure everyone knows how much I appreciate them now because I know how empty, cold and black my life was without them. My animals were never enough to keep me afloat without people to share them with.

We are having a party soon. For my friend it's a house warming party and for me it's a new life warming party. I've told my friends that I want the house to be heaving and left trashed, so it goes down in history as a party to remember and gives the neighbours plenty to complain about!!!! I haven't had a party since I was a child and I can't wait! I can't believe how many people I now have to invite and so many of them I regard as close friends. I am very, very, very lucky!!!!!

Bella and Jack's First Demo.

2009-09-01T00:18:00.003+01:00

Here is the uneditted video of Bella and Jack's first ever little demonstration. I had to give up on the retrieve as the wind was howling, as you can hear, and my plastic dog toy retrieve object kept blowing away. I must teach them to pick up some other things as I've done very little of this.

The yell in the middle isn't me - it's my camera person shouting at her mare who was sqealing at the pony she's turned out with.

I had to put a headcollar on Jack because if I don't lead him up to his step he tries to climb on the edge of it and falls off, as you will see from the one time I didn't lead him. Apart from that I never touched them at all to move them - it's all done by mirroring, targeting or suggested pressure.

I am very, very proud of them both and the way they concentrated, tried their hearts out for me in front of their first audience and stuck to me like glue brings tears to my eyes. I am so grateful to them both and thankful that they are mine, and that they always choose to play with me and to stay with me, and to give me their all.

I hope you love them too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=QfEB0wKDSQY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSCAE9QduFM

Video of Saphire.

2009-08-28T09:12:00.006+01:00

Saphire is a four year old who has been here for a couple of weeks now. She was described as dangerous and aggressive by her former trainer whose yard she came here from. She has had a couple of sessions of targeting and this is her first matwork session, which I chose to do to tackle her issues of rushing, not thinking about what her feet are doing, pushing back into pressure and getting impatient when asked to stand still.

Saphie's young owner is a natural clicker trainer with a real understanding of timing and the need for patience and waiting for the desired response. I only did the whole session myself because she wanted to film it. I'll put up all the clips but they're a bit like watching paint dry! I think that the first and last clips illustrate the difference in Saphie's attitude and demeanor by the end of the session - not that she was bad at the start. I think that for a four year old she is quite exceptionally tolerant and easy to work with, and she picks things up like lightening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2PZLB7XPK8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6HQwC4CxBE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NapA9GiUJi4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfM0kFw_oFI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwfUn6qgT50

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLttM3RZTqI

Dales Demo..

2009-08-25T16:25:00.005+01:00

I'm doing a little clicker training demo for a small group of friends children on Friday afternoon. I'm planning on decking my ponies out in ribbons and doing some things at liberty with Bella and Jack, then giving them little pony rides on the long suffering Grace. Grace loves small children so she will be in her element.

I need to work out a snappy routine, so they don't get bored (the children that is, my pones never get bored when clicking is involved). I'm thinking some mirroring me leg crossing and going sideways, and going backwards and forwards, standing on a pedestal, Spanish Walk, a retrieve or two, jumping at liberty, plus a bow at the end.

I'm hoping that someone will take some photos and maybe even some video, so watch this space.

I'm more nervous about this than I am my driving test in three weeks time (not really but I'm pretending that I'm not the slightest bit nervous about that!!!!

My Hay.

2009-08-19T23:24:00.004+01:00

Last post about hay, I promise! I turned it again this morning, then my friend showed me how to row it up and did one field while I did another. His brother then arrived and baled it with his huge Heston baler. It was then loaded onto a trailer with their Manitou and, after the first trailer had been unloaded I was allowed to tow the empty trailer back up there with my tractor, then told to tow it back again loaded! This involves some careful clutch work through some narrow gateways but it went really well. I was a bit worried when I got back to the yard and had to pass one of my liveries husband's new car!

The hay is now safely stacked away in the barn. It was a very long day but I was beaming from ear to ear throughout! I don't think I've ever had so much fun and satisfaction from a hard day's work before. It has done so much for my confidence and self esteem.

Horses and Friends.

2009-08-18T23:28:00.006+01:00

I promise thaat I will start writing about what I'm doing with mine and other people's horses as soon as the novelty of helping with my own hay is over, which will be tomorrow, as we are baling it then, all being well with the weather.

I told one of my friends that people were asking to hear about the horses again and he said where would horses be without hay? Very true!!!!

I turned it again today and, me being me, asked if there was any reason I couldn't do it in a different way, which seemed more logical to me. He said it was always done the other way but to try it and report back. It cut my turning time in half and meant that I was certain I hadn't missed any.

That's what I love about my friends. They are all enablers. They believe in empowering people with the information and confidence they need to try to do things for themselves. I asked my farrier once to help me work out something with the Land Rover and he said that I should wait until a mechanic could show me properly. My friends would all say "Of course, we'll soon work that out, lets give it a go!" I LOVE that attitude and it's one that I try to carry over to people I help with their horses.

I have come to the conclusion that the secret of being happy, fulfilled and confident, for me, is to always try to be brave. If it all goes pair shaped but I know that I did my best and gave it my all, then I can have nothing to beat myself up over.

I treat the horses I work with as trusted friends unless they prove otherwise, and they so far have all responded to the responsibility with respect and courtesy, and usually with affection too. I find that the people I meet these days do too. I look at most people and they seem to shine now, in a way I never noticed before. I was so bound up with horses that I never noticed how lovely, kind and generous most people are. I don't know why I never noticed before.

I said in an earlier post that I'd write about my new plan and I haven't done so yet. It's to organise monthly horsey coffee mornings here, with talks and demonstrations by various people. I had in mind my horse dentist, his wife who does some sort of light therapy, someone who does equine massage, a person locally who used to ride with The Devil's Horsemen and teaches stunt riding, etc (only found out about her today - very excited about meeting her!), my horses doing some clicker training, etc. etc. I've only mentioned it to a few people and people are already ringing me up to enquire about it.

I told one of my friends today about all of this and she said that my dreams all seem to be coming true. I really think that they might be. To think that just five months ago I thought my life was over - colourless and empty forever.

It just goes to show that you should never stop trying and never give up hope or belief. Please may I always be as bold and brave as I feel right now, tackling life head on but with care, friendship, understanding and affection for everyone I meet, human and equine alike.

My views out of the tractor windows today while turning my hay:

My haylage which I didn't help with because I didn't know I could!:

Meggie's answer to getting out of the sun during our lunch break:

A Fantastic Day.

2009-08-17T23:24:00.006+01:00

I had SUCH a wonderful day today!!!

My friend came first thing to remove the wire from the Haybob. It took forever as there was miles of it and it had got right into the gears. He was as patient and understanding as always and he just has a knack of saying the right thing to make me feel better. I asked him if he had thought it would take so long, as he'd come so early, and he said that he'd thought if I couldn't get it out he wasn't going to like it. I could have hugged him because it made me realise that they probably don't think that I'm a useless liability after all. He had also said, when he showed me briefly how to do the job, that it wasn't really fair on me to expect me to manage with so little help and instruction but I had somehow forgotten that until today!!

He also said that yesterday had been manic at their farm so my doing the turning here had been a huge help, as he had been able to sort me out when it was too early to combine, bale or turn anyway, so I had saved him valuable time inspite of the wire incident.

I didn't get the sack and was trusted to be let loose with their Haybob again and today I managed fantastically!!! With Meggie's help I turned the whole lot without disaster, plus I decided to turn the bits I missed yesterday twice, to catch up. When they text to see how I was doing I could answer, truthfully, 'NO PROBLEM AND I'M LOVING IT'!!! My self esteem was sky high, for once!

This evening I helped to introduce my newest livery's horse to targeting and the clicker. She's a four year old warmblood/TB cross and she caught on in seconds. We started in the yard then took her into the school and she touched and followed the target wherever we put it, from on the ground to high in the air, straight away. I also did some pressure and release work, backed up by the clicker, and apart from one tiny hint of a strop she was soft and compliant throughout. She came here with a bit of a reputation for being stroppy and sometimes aggressive so her young owner and I were thrilled with her, and she was pretty pleased with herself too!!!

So I am now competant to be left alone to do a tractor job, with only Meg to help me, and I have hopefully started another horse and owner along the road to a better understanding and enjoyment of each other.

Not a bad day's work by anyone's standards, even mine!!!!!

The view down my fields:

My tractor plus my friends Haybob ready for action:

Meggie on her lunch break:

My herd:

Two of my new liveries:

Megs the Land Rover driver:

The view in my rear view mirror, thanks to one of my farmer friends. They have given me my life back:

Anxiety and Depression.

2009-08-16T23:15:00.007+01:00

I am really disappointed, after all these months, that although I am absolutely fine when I'm with other people - the life and soul of the party most of the time - when I'm alone I often still get this feeling of losing my grip on reality and not knowing which way is up anymore. Everything has changed so dramatically that I wonder if I've dreampt it all sometimes.

I've gone from one livery to eight, with two more coming. The whole farm is comparitively tidy and under control, along with the house and garden. I'm surrounded by close freinds that I can and do talk to about anything and everything, some of whom are new. I drive tractors, cars and Land Rovers, having driven nothing ever before. Mostly it's all positive and good - but it's all very different and odd still, and such a steep learning curve.

I had a go at turning my own hay today. One of my farmer friends brought his hay tedder and attached it to my tractor, and spent some time showing me how to use it. They are flat out combining and baling straw at the moment so I thought that at last I could do something really useful to help them and myself.

I'd nearly finished and was really proud of myself when I picked up a length of wire that was hidden in the grass and it got so wound up inside the machinery that I had to abandon the job and return to the yard. As I text him to explain and apologise I had the same old sinking feeling of being useless, incompetent and needing rescuing yet again. I have never in my whole life wanted to play the helpless female card and I keep on being forced into it, and it's just SO not me!!!!!

It really wasn't my fault and would probably have happened to him too, but he would have known how to take the machine apart to untangle it. He doesn't have time to come and sort me out and it would have been quicker if he'd done the job himself in the first place, so yet again I'm a liability instead of an asset!

I'm really tempted to say "S-d it!!!" and stick to horses and things I know but that would be such a cop out. Its just the endless humiliation of getting everything wrong. They are so kind about it but that makes me feel worse, especially when they're forever mopping up after me. I just wanted to get one job done well and done right for a change!!!!

I'm also beginning to worry that I'm all the time trying to be something that I'm not and modelling myself on my two farmer friends - trying to be capable, reliable and competent at everything like they are - and I've lost the ability to work out who I am now. A lot of what I do seems to turn into a major drama or I lose all sense of perspective and think that it has.

I had a terrible incident with a vet recently, when I tried to get some old ewes who are struggling put down. He made a complete mess of it and then got the sack, both of which I felt a lot of guilt over, and still do. He wrote to me twice over it, apologetic and friendly letters, which increased my sense of guilt and I spent most of the day after the second letter, when he told me he'd been dismissed, in tears over it. The ewes were pets and old friends of mine, and I still have two of them who really need putting down but I can't face it at the moment, but I never wanted him to lose his job. I don't trust myself to make decisions anymore but know that I have to. Being in charge is unbelievably hard and I know I need to toughen up to survive, but it's easier said than done. Since David died I no longer have it in me to get angry over anything and find it hard to be assertive now.

I asked one of my friends why they all put up with me and she said that it's because I'm good company ..... most of the time!!!!! One thing's for sure - it's never dull and boring around me!

I now eat a reasonable amount and am still too thin and I think it's because of this sense of always being on adrenalin to a greater or lesser extent. It's why I work every possible minute I can and try to keep my mind from thinking unwanted thoughts, which is a constant battle when I'm alone.

On a positive note one of my farmer friends and I spent most of Saturday clearing the school ready for fencing after harvest has finished. I had a go at driving his Manitou, which I absolutely loved, and watched him fell a dead tree which was very exciting and dramatic. I had a brilliant time, the school looks massive and so much better, and I'm so grateful to him for all his time and trouble, and his company.

My aforementioned farmer friend said that if I can survive this I can survive anything and I guess he's right, and survive it I will! I'm just so fed up with feeling lost and disorientated! I'm so impatient to feel confident, relaxed and happy again. I WILL get there but it's taking SO long!!!!!!

Meggie, Super Dog and Tractor Dog.

2009-08-11T14:29:00.003+01:00

If you click on the pictures you can see her properly.

We were really enjoying ourselves clearing round bales out of the school when the tractor died. I text my mentor and he said it had probably run out of fuel, even though the fuel gauge says its a quarter full.

They are in the middle of combining and working flat out while it's dry so I'm stuck until he can come and show me how to bleed it. Luckily it conked out at the back of the school so it's not in the way. I feel really guilty, needing rescuing yet again but no-one told me the fuel gauge might be faulty!!!

I am SO looking forward to the day when I know how to do all these things and don't need sorting out every five minutes! My main inspiration is my role model and I am determined that one day I will be a female version of him - the person everyone else turns to to sort everything out for them. I really HATE feeling like a helpless and incompetent female. He and his brother are so kind, sympathetic and understanding but it still makes me feel useless. It's all been a good lesson in not being too proud but I wish they were interested in horses, so that I could impress them for a change!!!!!!!

Rebels and Heroes.

2009-08-06T22:14:00.002+01:00

I wrote near to the beginning of this blog that two of my friends had come here like knights in shining armour, on tractors instead of white chargers and wreathed in diesel fumes instead of mist. They became my heroes and they still are, and always will be, no matter what, and I tell them so regularly because I have learned to tell people how much I appreciate them while I still can.

One of them text me yesterday, after I told him that I had managed to get my historic Land Rover up to 53mph on the flat and deliberately made a speed sign tell me to slow down. He said that I made him laugh, in a nice way, and that he thought of me as being "the held back rebel with a cause". I LOVE that and for me it's something to live up to. Please may he and his brother, my other hero, always think of me in that way.

I had my first try at driving one of my tractors today, all by myself, and I absolutely loved driving it. It suddenly occurred to me that I am now becoming more and more like the people I most admire and that maybe I can find a little more self containment and comfort in my own company by becoming a hero for myself.

I have passed my driving theory and now feel in control and fairly confident driving both my old Land Rover and the Mini I have my lessons in. I have driven a fairly large tractor all by myself and felt reasonably at home in it straight away. I do all sorts of DIY around the farm that it wouldn't have occurred to me to even try before and I get such a buzz from being able to work out how to do something by myself. I'm never too proud to ask for advice but I'd much rather be able to do the work myself whenever possible because I want to be like my heroes - strong, confident, capable people who can turn their hands to almost anything and make a good job of it.

A few weeks ago I dreaded being left in my own company, with nothing to distract me from all my fears and worries and the feelings of life having spiraled totally out of my control with absolutely nothing I could do about it. Today I was high as a kite on my tractor driving success and I was enjoying myself all by myself, feeling confident, capable, in control, proud of myself and sane again at last. I have felt like half a person in the company of whole people for five months but today I felt whole again.

I have spent the last five months fighting off anxiety attacks and negative feelings that threatened to overwhelm me on a daily basis. My heroes and the fact that they cared enough and liked me enough to bother about me were what kept me going. They have my undying gratitude and I will never be able to repay them adequately but, if I can keep on being a quiet 'rebel with a cause' and learn to be my own hero too, then at least all their tireless efforts will never be in vain and I will become less and less of a drain on their resources, both practical and emotional.

I want to be happy in my own company again and to feel complete again, all by myself. Today, for a short while, I did. That's a massive step forward towards a whole new, bright, independant future!!!!!

Grace.

2009-08-03T15:43:00.007+01:00

I rode Grace around to the local show yesterday. I didn't go to compete as I didn't really feel like it and my show gear is all three sizes too big now anyway, but I wanted to catch up with a few people I thought might be there.

Grace has become a people magnet - she draws people over to talk to me, even people who say they're a bit wary of horses usually. One of those people told me that she wanted to get close to Grace because of the look in her eyes, which I thought was lovely.

A mother and daughter, who asked if they could take her photo, asked all about her and the mother said to the daughter "You push her off and I'll grab the horse!", which made me laugh. Someone else said that they'd been looking to see which was their favourite horse on the showground and it was definitely Grace.

It was the first time I've ridden her at a show, as I was only given her at the end of last season and had only shown her in hand before that. She was just lovely, concentrating on me and ignoring the others cantering around, and her canter has improved beyond all recognition. I spent the whole day beaming from ear to ear.

I caught up with some old friends too and talked so much I was hoarse. One lady came over and asked if I remembered her. I didn't to start with, but she was the nurse in intensive care who switched off David's ventilator and looked after us both while he died. She said that she had been looking for me at several shows and had been worried about how I was coping on my own. She had only spotted me as she remembered I'd told her about my ponies while talking to her in intensive care, and had asked her friend if she'd seen a Dales anywhere just as I happened to be riding past. I was really touched.

People are all so kind. I get people giving me thumbs up driving past in cars while I'm riding through the village and I don't even know half of them. I had never realised before just how many kind, generous, lovely people there are out there.

I spent yesterday with Grace and surrounded by friends old and new. I was so proud of Grace and had such a wonderful day, and much of it was because of her. She is my little superstar!!!

I'd had a tough week last week, due to a bit of a disaster which was much of my own making, and had a couple of days when I was really low again. Having my friend living here and being able to keep talking about it made the world of difference and I would have really crashed if she hadn't been there.

The other huge difference has been Meggie, one of my dogs. The other two can't be left on the loose as they go off hunting and I've always kept Meggie in the yard with them most of the time. My main inspiration suggested that I stopped feeling guilty for singling her out and let her wander around loose with me, so whenever I feel down she's there beside me.

Meggie has been wonderful. She stays close to me and now is my Land Rover dog too, coming for rides around the farm, which she loves already. I love having her with me and she makes me smile and laugh often. My main inspiration now refers to her as Super Dog! I've clipped her too and she was tiny even when hairy, so it's a big title for a very small dog!

I have another plan for drawing more friends old and new to the farm, which will be my next post, and I already have loads of people interested. My enthusiasm for life and for horses is returning by the day and I have so much to be grateful for and excited about.

I have some wonderful, extraordinary friends who have kept me alive and made my life worth living again, and Grace is right up there with them.

2009-07-18T22:34:00.009+01:00

I have had the best day today!!!! An old friend of mine has agreed to try sharing the house with me for a month and, if we get on OK, rent her house out and rent half of my house from me. I had suggested it to, her hardly daring hope that she might agree.

I have hated living alone more than I can ever say and been more lonely and desolate than I would ever have thought it possible for anyone to be, let alone me with all my horses and dogs for company. Twenty eight years ago, before I knew what it was like not to be lonely, I would have been fine but after four months of trying to get used to it I've been feeing worse and not better. The relief that it's coming to an end is overwhelming!!! We will have 6 dogs between us, so it will be a bit chaotic, but they have always stayed with us from time to time, and my friend has kept her horses here for most of the twenty eight years I've been here.

This morning we went to watch 'Jive Pony' in action. They were awesome - so full of energy and fun - born entertainers, and the horses were beautifully trained and adorable. My eyes were mostly for Ronan, being a native, but Tinker was gorgeous too and incredibly sane and steady for only 7 years old. I took masses of photos and I've put some at the end of this post. Rosie, who writes the 'Jive Pony' blog looked and sounded a really lovely person and I definitely want to try and get to them for some basic vaulting lessons when their show season ends. My friend has threatened to video me so watch this space for a really good laugh!!!!

This evening my soon to be new livery's mum came to meet me and my ponies. She seemed a bit 'old school' to begin with and was very worried about how safe clicker training would be. I explained about the benefits of positive reinforcement on the horses morale and confidence and told her how, as the emotional wreck I've been lately, I couldn't have found the strength or courage to learn to drive if my instructor hadn't been so encouraging, generous and effusive with his praise of every tiny improvement, and the way he laughed off and explained away every mistake I made. I was a nervous wreck and he has turned me into a fairly confident and competent driver in just a couple of months, through his use of positive reinforcement through warm and generous praise. I would have fallen apart at the seams without it.

I gave her a demo with Jack as before then tacked Grace up and did some gallop to halts with no reins up the field. Grace and I LOVE doing this now and could do it all day!!! She glides into a canter at the merest hint and really picked up some speed tonight before sliding to a halt the second I sat back and asked her to. It made me feel like a teenager again!

My audience loved it too and loved Grace. The mother admitted to me that she has confidence issues herself about riding now and would like me to work with her too. I'm really touched and they are both lovely people who are going to be great to have around.

More of my dreams turning to reality, thanks this time to my beautiful, clever, kind, generous ponies!

JIVE PONY - The Chiltern Show. If you click on a picture you can see the full size version. Click on the 3rd photo to see the wisest face I've ever seen on a horse!

Warming up and getting ready.

Showtime!!!

I'd like to thank Rosie and Rebecca for making me forget everything that has happened to me recently while watching them. I've often told my friends recently that I wished I could have a break from myself for a while. Rosie and Rebecca, Ronan and Tinker gave me that break and by the time they finished I felt totally happy and inspired. Thank you SO much! It was exactly what I needed and your energy and joy of life was infectious!

I passed a Land Rover on the way home which had a logo on the sides. It read "ONE LIFE - LIVE IT" You girls looked to be the embodiment of that and I intend to be too!

New Skills.

2009-07-17T21:37:00.007+01:00

I have been working on training some new things with my pones. Grace has always found cantering quite difficult and it's taken her a lot of time to find her balance. I have always clicked her for cantering and she has become brilliant at canter to halt transitions as soon as she hears the click.

I decided to work on how small I could make my aid to halt. I tried a fast trot to begin with and just leant back slightly and closed my legs, with the reins lying free on her neck. She caught onto this really quickly so I tried it in canter, both in the school, out on hacks and in the field. She is superb at this already, after just a couple of sessions but it's also had the added bonus of making her more keen to canter, even though I'm clicking her for halting. I suppose that's because she has to canter first to get to the halt and click.

Bella has always been quite grumpy about cantering. Her natural balance is a lot better than Grace's but she just doesn't like cantering much and tends to have her ears back. Again I've only ever clicked her for the canter rather than a downward transition out of canter. I thought I would try the same exercise with her, clicking her for the halt rather than the canter and after just a few clicks she was cantering without the grumpy faces, which I was beginning to think would never happen!

I can really belt up the field on them and do a sliding stop with no reins at all and I think this could be a useful way to show people how safe a clicker trained horse can be.

With Jack, who loves nothing better than mimicking me, I've been trying to copy the clip of Ronan, the Jive Pony, in walking crossing his front feet in front of each other while I walk backwards in front of him crossing my feet behind each other. Jack's crossing over is a bit big at the moment, so he has to move the other foot out to rebalance first, but I'm finding it quite difficult to do myself, being very unbalanced on my own two feet! I have trouble doing Spanish Walk myself, on foot, too, as I keep losing my balance. I really need to start working on my own balance on foot as well!

Jack's concentration when doing these things these days is complete. He bears no resemblance to the spooky, over-reactive horse that he used to be. Grace and Bella have always been calmer than Jack so the change in them is not as obvious unless you know them as well as I do. They were all coming on well due to clicker training before I had the chance to study a really talented and empathetic teacher of people in action, but now that I copy his attitude when he is teaching his younger relatives, and me, how to do things, my horses progress, confidence and delight in their training has been phenomenal. I have told him all of this repeatedly but he doesn't believe me and I think that his humility and modesty is part of the secret, along with the endless patience, consideration, good humour, affection, empathy, competence and a very quiet but total determination to guide us all in the right direction and equip us all to be able to attain the same level of competence.

He makes us want to try our hardest and gives us the confidence to try. That's exactly what I try to do for my horses and, thanks to his example, I seem to be suceeding.

I read this passage in Margrit Coates book, 'Horses Talking' and I love it. It's written by Todd Merrell, Director of the International Center of Equine Arts, Vancouver, Canada. Another for the wall!

"The horse is one of the last few elders, like the whale. Their evolution has spanned an eternity. Only Equus has walked and danced upon the earth with man in this unique way - as a spiritual brother, energetically entwined."

More Inspiration and Plans.

2009-07-13T23:37:00.004+01:00

Some people came to watch my pones perform today. They are having problems with their 4yo and are at a yard where the trainer tells them to hit it when it does anything wrong. The owner is very young and, although she hates doing it, she doesn't have the confidence to resist or the knowledge to know other ways of sorting out problems.

Bella and Jack nearly made me cry, let alone them! I have hardly given them the time of day for months, so caught up in my own problems, and yet they were so sweet, gentle and enthusiastic. They remembered everything and were even better than before. I played with them at liberty, getting them to chase me, stop dead, back up, do long strides and short strides, mimic me doing lateral work and Spanish Walk, just moving their legs in time and direction with mine, jump a jump on command, target my hand with their ears, do walk pirouettes and reverse pirouettes by moving away from the pressure of my gaze (backed up by a hand movement on Jack's partially sighted side) and I found I can control almost every movement of every foot almost imperceptibly at times. They loved every moment of it and never lost concentration for a second and my audience, coming from the whack and slap background of the other yard, were open mouthed with astonishment!

The horse should be arriving shortly and it sounds as though a lot of confidence and relationship building is needed for all parties concerned. The owners are lovely and I can't wait to get started. Half the problem with a lot of my everyday work is that I can do it on auto-pilot and I have WAY too much time for thought, which is often my downfall at the moment. Something that absorbs me and requires real mental effort is just what I need.

I also found a website called Jive Pony which has given me some real inspiration. It's a display team with a beautiful Highland Pony called Strathmore Ronan, who does similar things to Jack and Bella. The riders are vaulters and ex-circus, and one of them used to be in The Devil's Horsemen, who I am convinced I was really meant to be one of in a kinder life! Although I could never see me getting very far at my age, and I certainly wouldn't be aiming for the elegant, feminine look, I am investigating getting a vaulting roller and finding out what I am capable of.

I am SUCH a big kid!!!!

Here is a link. There is a video clip on the Homepage and photos in the gallery:

http://www.jive-pony.co.uk/

Here is a link to the blog of one of the riders, Rosie. If you click on the 2007 posts in the archive on the right hand side, on the post for 6th October 2007 there is a really great video clip. I find them brilliant, hilarious and very inspiring and entertaining. Ronan is to die for and they all, horses and humans, look to be having a ball. I would SO love to do something like this with mine!

http://www.jive-pony.blogspot.com/

Horse of Course, please could you tell me how I copy the 'Honest Scrap Award' logo onto my blog? I've been trying to do it, so I can claim and pass on the award you have so kindly given me, but I can't work it out at all! Thank you very much again.

Dreams and Plans for the Farm and the Future..

2009-07-05T00:06:00.018+01:00

I have had a dream for the farm since the day, not long after David had died, that my main inspiration, his brother and another friend of David's and of theirs, spent the day here to begin the job of clearing and tidying up. David was a hoarder and collected endless rubbish just in case it would come in handy one day - a habit quite common among farmers! It was a mammoth task and one of them joked that they should use this place for Community Service because no-one would ever offend again after a few hours working here!

We laughed, joked and gently teased each other all day long with everyone trying to make it as easy and least traumatic for me as possible, worried about how I was going to feel about all the changes. With anyone else I would have felt the need to be apologetic and defensive of David but with these three, who loved him too and understood, it was easy and comfortable.

It suddenly occurred to me that the atmosphere here that day was really special, with everyone laughing, supporting and caring for each other, because they had no more got used to the idea of David not being here than I had. Some other friends arrived and everyone was just being so kind and affectionate to each other that I thought, if I could keep this atmosphere and build the yard up around it, with people who would want to be part of it, then this would be a very special place to be and a fitting memorial to David.

I told myself afterwards that it was idealistic rubbish and the horse world isn't like that. I would never find enough of the sort of owners I wanted to make it a reality and earning my living had to be my top priority.

Since then I have had two new owners arrive and they, along with my friend who has been here for many years, have made the atmosphere here remain just as it was on that day. One of them was having trouble with her new horse when she arrived and had they had completely lost confidence in each other. I have been riding out with them with Grace, on slow, steady rides and leading them on occasions where necessary, and I also showed her a little clicker training, gave her a start with it and pointed her in the direction of Alexandra Kurland's books and DVDs. The difference it has made to them and their relationship has been remarkable and a joy to watch. They were both, horse and human, desperate to form a partnership with each other but neither of them knew how.

I got so much joy and satisfaction from being able to help that it gave me an idea. There are loads of horses and owners out there in similar situations, losing confidence and trust in each other. Even in big yards there isn't always someone who will help or even someone they dare admit the truth too, for fear of being ridiculed. The horse world can be a very competitive and critical place.

My idea is to use what I have, to give me a happy, satisfying and fulfilled life here. I am such a different person now. I love meeting new people, can talk to anyone, feel genuine affection for most of the people I meet and people seem to like me too. I have three lovely owners here already, who are all very kind and supportive of each other, some empty stables and loads of grazing, two very quiet, reliable horses to ride out with people, and four clicker trained horses to demonstrate the possibilities of clicker training.

My dream, rather than fill the yard with anyone who wants to come regardless, is to find a couple more like minded people who will be keen to keep this a lovely place for people and horses to be and use the other stables to offer confidence and relationship building stays, using positive reinforcement in a lovely, kindly, supportive atmosphere, along with a quiet horse to ride alongside. I plan to show people the sort of horse that clicker training can produce but not push the point, and point them in the direction of 'The Click That Teaches' gently. I see role as a guide rather than an instructor because I have never been instructor material, preferring to lead by example rather than dictat.

My main inspiration has made me a much better and less resistible leader than I was before I got the chance to study a great and irresistible leader in action. So softly spoken that you have to shut up and concentrate to hear him, that's exactly what everyone does, and with total competence, endless patience, kindness, affection and empathy, underscored by an unspoken and almost imperceptible steely determination that has taken me a while to recognise, everyone quickly learns that resistance is not only futile but also stupid, as he's always right! Opposing points of view are considered by him with with infinate attention, patience and politeness, and then the correct course of action is gently and good-humouredly explained.

I am an avid pupil these days, determined to learn all of life's lessons and learn them well, and I have duplicated his attitude and leadership style with my horses and they love it, and it fills them full of confidence in me. I don't feel competent, comfortable with, or the necessity to try to lead people - just to show them the possibilities and help when invited to.

If I can put all these elements together and attract a trickle of horses and owners in need of what we can offer here I will have a future to be proud of and endless opportunities to make new friends - horse and human.

I don't know if it's possible or practical but I can only try my best and hope. If it all comes to nothing then there's always shelf stacking at a supermarket and at least I will have tried. I try my hardest to be brave in all things these days.

Still taking deep breaths, going with the flow, and trying to follow my dreams...........phew!

Magical Moonlit Ride.

2009-07-02T15:12:00.007+01:00

I spent most of a boiling hot day yesterday repairing the guttering at the back of the cowshed, where my ponies now reside. I wanted to try and avoid anymore flooding when we have more thunderstorms and the guttering was a mess. I told one of my best friends that DIY can't be that hard if men can do it (you can probably guess that is was a male friend!).

I found myself singing as I worked and the end result, if a bit 'agricultural' should make a difference, cost nothing and gave me a great sense of achievement. I warned my friend that if anyone laughs when they see it there'll be no more cakes!!!! He said it looked just fine from where he was, which was about 5 miles away!

It was too hot to do anything with my ponies until late. I did a little in hand with Jack, including working on his Spanish Walk, which he needs to catch up with Bella in, then rode Bella and did some ridden Spanish Walk, etc. I was going to take Grace out but it was getting dark by then so I rode her in a paddock.

Even though I've only hacked her out for ages now she was going beautifully and really 'with' me when a large, white ghostly form flew overhead. It was one of a pair of Barn Owls that always nest locally. He was swooping about above us when I spotted the pair of Little Owls that nest on the farm, seemingly following me around the paddock, flitting from one fence post to another in the warm, still moonlit night.

It was a magical, mystical experience and one that I knew, even in that moment, will remain indelibly lodged in my memory forever. It felt as though we were in a fairytale and to be sharing it with Grace, when I've shared so many sad and lonely rides with her of late, seemed extra special and very appropriate. She seemed to be as enchanted and entranced as I was and stood like a rock while we drank in the peaceful, soothing atmosphere.

Since I read my main inspiration's words last Friday afternoon I haven't cried or felt deserted once, and believe me that is some record these days! I now have them printed in copper plate script and framed. I am coming to realise that, for me, words are the art form that means the most, much more so than paintings, sculpture or even music. I find endless beauty, solace and inspiration in words, and none more so than those particular words, written straight from the heart.

A good friend of mine lent me Magrit Coates book, 'Horses Talking'. Although I am not really a believer in animal communicators as such, there are some passages in the book that sent tingles up my spine. This passage in particular resonates with me and sums up the feelings I've had with some of my horses, past and present:

"There are some horses that we know slightly throughout our lives, and other horses that look into our eyes and move us so deeply it feels like our souls are shaken. These horses leave permanent imprints of their inspirational presence and love in our hearts and minds. By receiving their powerful messages we are never the same again. Many of us are only ever truly known by horses, especially the ones close to us in our lives…our soul mates.”

and:

“The horse captures the imagination of the human whose soul it mirrors.”

and:

“Love creates a bond and a bridge between horse and human to reach the spiritual depths of both”

A Turning Point?

2009-06-29T23:38:00.006+01:00

After our joke fest on Thursday I tried to maintain the same spirit on Friday but by mid afternoon on a day spent alone and in too much thought, depression caught up with me. I had sent a lighthearted text to my main inspiration earlier but suddenly I was sitting in the sun on the garden wall outside the back door with tears streaming down my face and texting him a question about fear of the future. His answer was so profound, wise, beautiful and touching that it took my breath away. I stopped crying in an instant and went inside to write it down, to refer to whenever I need to.

I asked him how, although 15 years younger than me, he has so much wisdom that he makes me feel like a child.

I have read his message several times everyday since and the fear and knots in my stomach that have been my constant companions whenever I'm alone since David died, however much I've tried to ignore or deny them, have finally gone, to be replaced by optimism and calm.

I realised today that I have instinctively avoiding asking very much of Bella and, especially, Jack because I didn't want them to have to cope with my emotional turmoil. Grace is older and wise in her own right and she rose to the challenge of looking after both of us. Now the fear has receded I can go back to working with Bella and Jack again at last. I can also concentrate on following my dreams for the farm.

Deep breaths, go with the flow, phew.........

Living for Two.

2009-06-25T22:09:00.004+01:00

After a few really horrible days, to do with scattering ashes and too much time alone without anyone to distract me, I have had a really wonderful day. My driving lesson this morning was brilliant and suddenly I love driving! My instructor is good, easy company and goes out of his way to make me feel successful, and I have found that if I put my foot down on the straight he lets me get away with slowing approaching bends, which keeps me a lot more relaxed and feeling in control. I really do believe that I am going to be a very good, safe driver, despite the late start, and I can't wait to get my Land Rover out on the road. I'm really excited about that!!!!

When I came home to an empty house and farm I was far more cheerful than usual and then began a four hour joking texting session with my M.I. which made every part of me ache from sustained and continued laughter and apparently did nothing for his lines, as he was baling haylage at the same time.

I have had the increasing sense lately that I am now living for David as well as for myself. I feel that I have taken on part of his personality and, as he could usually be relied upon to wrestle triumph from disaster, that I am going to be able to do this and do it well. I'm still worried about all the responsibility I now have but I think I will be able to cope, especially with all the help I'm getting - practical and with morale and confidence.

I said today that I liked someone because he could laugh at himself and it made me realise that I wasn't very good at that before this all happened, but I've had to learn to as I was so hopeless and useless at most things, and I like myself much better for that ability. Dignity and self control are great for dealing with and influencing people in authority but I believe now that it's only by coming clean and admitting vulnerability and how much people's help and affection means to me that I've been able to forge the kind of friendships that just have to last a lifetime as we've all been through so much together. For every ounce of vulnerability and openness I've admitted to I've been shown two pounds back, as friends have fallen over themselves to empathise, confide and connect. Maybe I am just very lucky and I'm surrounded by extraordinary people....

So, I am now living for David and for myself, which means that I need not be lonely or unhappy when left alone with only the memory of his company, and need not be too worried about making and keeping friends, or looking after myself, our house, our animals and our farm. I still find it impossible and too frightening to think of any of it as mine but ours is comforting and manageable, and I'm sure he's there, just out of sight, urging me on, especially on a day filled to the brim with laughter like today. Why would he want to be anywhere else?!!

My Cows and Calves.

2009-06-24T00:00:00.002+01:00

Driving and Planning.

2009-06-20T23:08:00.006+01:00

I put my case for learning in the Land Rover to my main inspiration and was told that there is no way I could take my test in it as I have to prove that I can drive at the national speed limit. The Land Rover does a maximum of 40mph downhill with a following wind. I was told that my best option would be to have lessons several times a week until the car felt more familiar. I came up with increasingly pathetic and desperate reasons why I needed to learn in the Land Rover ending up with the fact that I have to have a bath before each lesson in the Mini Cooper, so I don't leave it smelling of horse. My main inspiration's reply to this was "Oh, no! That could be two baths a week then!" Then he suggested I do as his brother does (who was there listening) and cover the smell up with perfume instead! I gave up and admitted defeat gracefully and in fits of laughter.

I had a two hour lesson on Thursday followed by the same on Friday, by which time I was relaxed and doing 62mph on one A road, and spent a lot of the time having a giggle with my instructor. I have another on Monday and am actually almost looking forward to it! I need to motivate myself to get on with the theory part now.

I also realised in the last few days that, although I am supposed to be selling the four remaining cows with calves at foot, I really, really don't want to part with the two cows who calved after David died. He was desperate to see the calves, as those two cows were his favourites. They are lovely, quiet, friendly cows in their prime (and home bred) and they have exceptional calves. I also get on so well with livestock farmers, who are all big softies where animals are concerned (well, the good ones are anyway. You have to be observant, empathetic and willing to put yourself out and do whatever it takes, to look after livestock really well, which is probably why they've made such a fantastic job of looking after me too!) and I'd like to still be a proper livestock farmer myself too. Having a few retired pet sheep doesn't really cut it!

Doing manoeuvres when I'm driving is my 'thing' - anything that involves going slowly and backwards is my area of expertise and I love it - so if I learn to drive a loader tractor before the winter I should be able to manage to do a few cattle and sell the calves as stores next spring. If it proves a financial disaster I'll have to think again before the following winter but I'm going to give it a go. I just need to find a nice, quiet Aberdeen Angus bull to borrow for a few weeks now, to get the cows back in calf.

I also think I can see a way to get the yard to provide me with more income and company, plus a supply of new people and horses to meet. I look at my ponies in their stables and really envy them, having each other for company all of the time. I have become a real herd animal and really, really dislike living alone. If my plans work then I might be able to use the farm to provide me with everything that I need to be happy and fulfilled. If they don't then at least when I can drive I will have more options. At the moment, though I'm cheerful and happy for much of the time, I am still spending a lot more time alone than I'd like to ideally. I'm sure I'd get used to it but as most of my friends are farmers it'll get worse before it gets better, with harvest fast approaching, and if it wasn't for frequent jokey text messages with my main inspiration whenever I'm feeling lonely and a bit down, I'd be doing a lot less well than I am. I don't want to be any more of a pain in the **** to him than I already am, and preferably less of one!!!

A very dear and wise friend of mine emailed me the following words which I hope she won't mind me sharing with you because I think they are beautiful and absolutely true:

"I do believe that love is the glue that keeps the world from falling apart, likewise laughter, kindness and friendship. They are like golden threads that come through."

Mat Work for Horses and Learning to Drive.

2009-06-14T15:52:00.006+01:00

Learning to drive is giving me yet another insight in what it must be like to be a horse, on all sorts of different levels. I feel that I really shouldn't be trying to do it at this moment in time but I must, especially now I've begun, for reasons of self esteem as well as practicality.

David was a big person, in every sense of the word, and it was easy for me to hide behind him with everything except horses and sheep, which I knew more about than he did. To start with, after he died, everything was unreal and strange so getting into the driving seat of a Mini Cooper with someone I didn't know, when I'd spent 28 years being a passenger in a Land Rover, a Discovery or a Bedford horsebox with someone I did, was no stranger than being here without David, which I hardly ever had been before for more than a few hours.

Now I have the beginnings of some normality and it all centres around being here, alone or with friends. If I go out as a passenger in a Land Rover, any Land Rover, with someone I know I feel fine. If I go out as a passenger in the van of my oldest friend I feel fine. If I go out as a passenger with someone I know in a car the world starts to rock a little if I get too far away from home, as though my grip on reality starts to slip. When I go out driving the Mini Cooper with someone I didn't know at all until recently I'm totally lost. I don't feel at home in the car, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't recognise the roads from my new vantage point, I don't know my instructor very well, and I know there will be no David at home to talk to about it when I get back. The world's gone mad and turned upside down and there's nothing familiar to hang onto or draw comfort from. I'm told to relax and breathe but there is no way I can and it's going to take forever before any of this feels familiar enough to cope with.

I get back in the Land Rover here and I just instantly feel reassured and comforted. There are hours and hours of stored up good feelings associated with it and it is totally familiar and home. I don't know yet whether I can make my instructor see things my way but I can see no alternative for me than to have the rest of my lessons and take my test in it. It may be harder to drive mechanically speaking but it's the only vehicle I'll ever want to drive anyway and I understand it. It's a big part of the past and I need it to help me to be able to learn.

It suddenly occurred to me how similar this is to mat work with horses - clicking and treating horses for standing on a mat with a rapid rate of reinforcement so the mat becomes associated with loads of good feelings and good things, and then, if taken away from home with the horse, becomes a place of comfort and reassurance - something solid and substantial that can be relied upon for security - a portable piece of home when everything else is strange and unfamiliar. That's what sitting in the Land Rover is like for me.

I'm not looking forward to telling my instructor because I'm not sure he'll go along with it and, even if he does, I know he won't like it. He's been so sweet to me and gone out of his way to try and boost my confidence and find ways to help me learn, and I hate to feel that I'm making a fuss or being a drama queen. Most other people manage perfectly adequately in a strange car so I feel that I should be able to too, and should just shut up and get on with it, but if I were a horse, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't do that to me, and I'm trying to be kind to myself as well. I love my old Land Rover - David's old Land Rover - and I think it may well be the one he learnt in and passed his test in too.

I need my mat at this moment in time. One day the world will probably stop rocking and seem like a normal, ordinary, comfortable place to be again but that moment's not now.

2009-06-12T13:08:00.004+01:00

My main inspiration has been worrying me. He often has an air of melancholy about him which tears at my heartstrings and I suddenly realised that I didn't know him well enough before all this happened to know if it's just the way he is or whether it's what being around all this has done to him. It must have been very hard and taken an awful lot of courage and determination, to keep on and on coming back here and facing it all, especially when there was no good reason why he should have to. I'm not at all sure I could have done it, although I like to think I would now.

I know if I asked him he would say he's just a grumpy old b******* and he's always like that (I can hear him saying it!) but I think the truth is that being able to empathise so strongly with people carries it's own toll and I know he's anything but grumpy! We do all laugh a lot together and I know I can usually make him laugh, if only in despair at my incompetence with all things mechanical, so that's yet another reason to be and to stay cheerful.

I have come to the conclusion that, in the absence of war or famine, good humoured, affectionate, genuine, heartfelt laughter is the answer to just about everything, and the ability to generate it is a very valuable gift. Grace had me almost whooping with joy yesterday while riding her, and my friends often have me laughing to the point of tears.

David and I always spent a lot of time laughing and I still do, thanks to my extraordinary friends and to my beautiful, talented ponies. I don't think I need much else.

Grace and Aspirations to be a Devil's Horseman.

2009-06-12T00:14:00.001+01:00

I think I have now begun a second childhood. Ever since I watched the Devil's Horsemen again at Herts Show in May I have had this yearning to be one of them. Earlier this week I even bought the boots that I saw Camilla Naprous wearing when she was walking around the showground, so I could feel like one of them!

I rode Grace in the school tonight and continued with this theme. We practised some halt to canters and canter to halts, all on a slack rein, and she was awesome and loved every moment of it, sitting onto her hind quarters and coming right up in front. I'm going to see what she thinks about a lance next, so I can try some mock jousting, and perhaps some Garrocha. I don't think I'll be trying hanging upside down from the saddle and picking things up off the ground at a flat out gallop just yet though!

Grace has been a revelation to me lately. Having not owned her for very long or as a youngster I never felt that I had quite the same bond with her that I do with Jack and Bella before, which is maybe why I've found riding her easier than I have them since March, because it is less emotional for me and I've been on internal emotional overload so much of the time.

Grace has tried her heart out, whether it's being brave in heavy traffic, accompanying a nervous horse and rider and giving them a lead, setting an impeccable example of how a sensible, confident horse should behave, including letting me lead them from her when necessary, or trying her hardest to do what I'm asking from the tiniest possible cue and in self carriage, which was never her forte, she's been just terrific and the bond between us has strengthened immeasurably. I am so grateful to her and I think she knows it, from her enthusiasm and pride in her work.

She is a little treasure and treasure her I most certainly do.

My New Stables.

2009-06-12T00:11:00.003+01:00

My ponies in their new stables, thanks to the hard work of my lovely friends.

Another Lovely Day.

2009-06-07T23:30:00.005+01:00

The first thing that made me happy today was to see that Lornz has found my blog, and to see a picture of her and her Dave. I met Lornz on my brief visit to Merry Widow and she said exactly what I needed to hear - that I wasn't mad and wasn't trying to do the impossible - thank you so much Lornz and I hope you are managing to laugh a lot too! If you feel able to stay in touch through posting in the 'comments' at the bottom of the posts, that would be just fantastic and I would love to hear how you are doing!

The next was that I confided how bad things had been to two more friends and received the sort of confidences back that will form a bond between us always. I am finding it awe-inspiring, how opening up to people, in a calm and rational way, can form bonds of deep empathy and understanding. So many people have had to deal with a huge tragedy in their lives that nearly overwhelmed them and I can now recognise the scars it leaves in their eyes. It makes me realise how lucky I've been that I had escaped until now.

One of my friends came to visit with his six year old son today. I have never had much to do with children before but was already very grateful to him for the time he spent with me last Sunday, when I was at rock bottom. We spent ages together working out how to cheat infallibly at 'Pop Up Pirate' and were jubilant at our success and having a great time until the grown-ups came along and told us off!

Today we were drinking tea in the kitchen and talking about this and that when we mentioned how confusing it was when you knew several people with the same name. I said that we used to have three Davids here, David the farrier, David the livery, and I hesitated. The six year old looked me in the eye and said quietly "And your David". Those words, and the way they were said, left a warm glow that has stayed with me all day.

For me life is still good and living it happily is simply a matter of smiling at every possible opportunity and laughing often, and there are some really lovely, kind, generous, understanding people out there.

Understanding Fear.

2009-06-06T23:26:00.008+01:00

There have been two distinct positives of this experience as far as my horses are concerned.

The first is that I am a better, more relaxed rider than I have been for some years, because I'm not so worried about my own safety now. I know that I should be because the farm depends on me alone now, but I'm just not. This isn't as dodgy as it sounds because I'm very worried about my horses safety and very concerned about their confidence and happiness, but I can now relax, go with the flow and react only to what's actually happening beneath me, rather than worrying about what might happen, as I did sometimes before.

I also have more empathy with horses because I have become intimately acquainted with fear. I know what it's like to live with constant, often non specific and irrational, all consuming fear.

It began when I got a phone call in the middle of the night when David nearly died four days before he did die. I knew it was going to be bad as soon as I heard the phone ring and could only manage a small, hoarse voice to answer it with.

After he had died the fear stayed with me and my shame and disappointment because of it knew no bounds. The worst had happened so the fear could only be for myself and became so great that the knot of it in my stomach prevented me from eating almost entirely for the first week and forcing food down stayed very difficult until very recently. That has now become another positive as I have lost 22 pounds and am now thin and really fit for the first time in my life, which cheers me up immensely.

Thanks to the guide on the Merry Widow website I now understand that fear comes with the territory of what I've been through, along with losing my identity and having to find out who I am now.

Horses, who survive by being nervous anyway, must often live with this same sort of intense fear, especially in times of change or in new situations when they have little or no control over what happens to them. I will never again blame a horse for being afraid of something, familiar or unfamiliar, even when it was confident before, because I've been there myself.

This was a very bad time for me to try and learn to do something completely new and challenging like learning to drive, and after the first lesson I came home almost paralysed with fear and disappointment in myself because of it, but no doubt that was a useful lesson too. If my instructor and my friends had not been sympathetic and encouraging I would not have been able to continue. As it is my confidence has grown in leaps and bounds, along with my self esteem.

I also found with my driving lessons that I remembered and dwelt on every last thing I did wrong and instantly forgot anything I did right. I thought when I was riding Grace the other day that I have done the same many times when riding - remembered each and every time the horse was fearful of something I, in my arrogance, thought unreasonable, and forgot or didn't even notice all the times the horse made an effort to be brave and do his best. I suppose this is almost inevitable if a fearful reaction on the part of the horse leads to a fall - it's hard not to dwell on that when you have the bruises to remind you - but it still seems a very unfair way of thinking to me now and one I hope to avoid in the future. It seems to me that anxious horses could often be trying very, very hard to do the right thing 99% of the time and get little or no credit for it because of the one time they just can't. I hope I can avoid falling into that trap with my horses now.

I said in my other blog that Grace was frightened of high sided vehicles on narrow roads. Well, she is still not completely relaxed with them but since the new me began riding her she can face up to them and stand her ground. This is partly due to my more relaxed attitude to her nervousness and partly due to the fact that I now treat her in the way that someone has treated me whenever I am frightened or upset. I adopt the same attitude of concentrated concern and empathy combined with gentle, affectionate humour and reassurance and it works every time. She knows I'm there for her, thoughtful of her feelings and helping her through without thinking about myself at all, and it's all she needs to comfort and reassure her.

It gives her the confidence and strength to be brave. It worked for me too!

Memories to Treasure from the Last Few Weeks.

2009-06-05T11:02:00.006+01:00

The title probably sounds mad but I do have some memories from the last few weeks that I will treasure for the rest of my life and I want to document them, to make sure that they never fade.

When David was very ill I felt I'd lost him for a while. Nobody knew for sure that he was going to die until he had a catastrophe in intensive care but he seemed to shut himself off from me at one stage. I knew he'd come back to me when he woke up early one morning. I'd been sleeping in a chair next to his bed and he said, his voice full of concern "You look awful!". I was so grateful and thankful that he was able to notice and care again that no compliment could ever have sounded as wonderful.

The night before he died he asked me to give him a hug for five minutes then get him off to sleep. I hugged him and, after about two minutes, he said "Right, your five minutes is up now, you can get me to sleep and go home to see to the dogs." I told him someone else was looking after the dogs and I wasn't going anywhere and, hooked up to machines left, right and centre as he was, he said "Oh good, it's just like being at home again." I was never more certain that he loved and needed me than in those last few days and, ill and confused as he was, he was a joy to be with.

Two of my friends, and one of their nephews, have spent long hours at weekends getting the farm under control and presentable, so that I can manage it as a non-tractor driver and make new plans for earning a living here. The place was a tip and I have never learned to drive (I am now!) and most of the work needed diggers, tractors and trailers. There were some things that required manual labour too and I worked alongside them as much as possible, loving every last moment of it. We laughed, teased and joked with each other and I felt like a teenager who'd been allowed to join their gang. I now understand that feeling totally worthless, hopeless and frightened comes with the territory of what I've been through, and I've done loads of all of those, but never when I was working with them. They were knights in shining armour, arriving on tractors instead of white stallions and wreathed in diesel fumes instead of mist, and my gratitude to them for those memories is beyond words.

Another friend is helping me with the paperwork, probate and the accounts. It's a thankless task, as I'd much rather be working outside, but she chivies me along tirelessly, even though it's her day job too. She, like the others, must have the patience of a saint, and although I will treasure no memories of the task, I will always treasure to fact that she is helping me through it, spends time with me and bolsters up my confidence at every possible opportunity.

Another is meeting two friends I have made through my old blog and the support and care they have given me. One has phoned and emailed me daily, showing care and concern every step of the way. It was after a telephone conversation with her that I remembered that David had said I was tough and could cope with things that most people struggle with, and I came up with my plan to save my own sanity and dignity. She has given me strength and believed in me. She too has my undying gratitude.

There is also the memory of some pride in myself. I have come to realise that, throughout the time at the hospital, I did everything anyone could possibly have done and handled it all in an exemplary fashion. I never once thought of myself until after David had died and he never saw me lose hope. Every time he looked at me I was always smiling. I may have tried too hard on his behalf at the end but I can hold my head up about everything I did and everything I said to everyone involved, and I know that David was really proud of me in there. I've held onto that in moments of despair and intend to try to make sure that I can always say the same about everything I do in future.

My gratitude to Alexandra Kurland herself. Without her books and DVDs I wouldn't be in the shape I am now, positive and hopeful. I emailed her to thank her and she sent me a wonderful reply just yesterday, which I will always treasure.

The patience, gentleness and softness that my horses have shown me in the last few weeks has kept me going too. They love their work and have had precious little of it lately but have shown joy and enthusiasm each and every time I've felt able to do anything with them, and waited patiently for me between times. My heart is still not totally in it but I am getting back to them slowly and surely.

The last memory I treasure is from yesterday. I had been trying to keep happy but was wavering slightly and some people had tested me to the limit. I kept my composure with some difficulty and, just as I closed the door behind them, not knowing whether to laugh, cry or hang myself, my main inspiration tentatively and apologetically text me a dirty joke. His timing was just immaculate and I have felt happy and serene ever since.

With the time, effort and care that everyone has invested in me how can I possibly fail?

Saving Myself.

2009-06-04T23:16:00.003+01:00

David, my partner and soulmate night and day for nearly twenty eight years, died ten weeks ago and I have been told that there are stages of grieving that have to be gone through, a 'roller coaster ride like no other imaginable' I've heard it referred to, and there can be no escape from the probably years of despair that have to be worked through.

I hit rock bottom last weekend and even ended up phoning The Samaritans. I thought that maybe someone could say something that would help me but no-one could. Loneliness and desperation seemed to have swallowed me up completely and everywhere I looked I saw the same tale of the inevitability of a long time more of the same.

Well, I can't do it. I don't have years to spare, or even more months. I have a life to be lived and I need to get on with it.

I hate the word 'grieving'. I think it's an ugly, frightening word and I refuse to have any more to do with it. Sadness and loss are gentle, kindly words and I can cope with them but having to 'grieve' - no, no more, I refuse to.

I have spent my working life, as well as farming, training my own horses from a young age. Young horses are often highly emotional animals. Being nervous and suspicious is how they survive as prey animals.

For me, the secret of successful and compassionate training is to teach them how to control and alter their emotions for themselves, through positive reinforcement and the feelings of comfort and success it inspires.

If you can get a horse to look like a confident, happy horse it will behave like a confident, happy horse and start to feel like a confident, happy horse. I use clicker training but the above in itself is self reinforcing - the horse loves feeling confident and happy and joins wholeheartedly in his own training.

I don't find any positives in crying. It slows me down, wears me out, gives me a headache, makes me feel ill, stops me eating and upsets those around me.

I have been in the pit of despair for most of the weekend and I can't do it anymore. I can't live like that. It's taking away any self respect and dignity I have left.

David was full of praise and admiration for the way I handled myself and the doctors at the hospital. It made me realise how much I had longed for his admiration before. I intend to really earn it now.

I've already noticed that if I put a brave face on things people are lining up to cheer me on but if I look like bursting into tears any moment most people want to run.

This isn't just about making it easier for other people, this is also about me and what I need. I don't want pity - I want respect and admiration and David would have wanted that for me too.

I'm already a kinder, more gentle and intuitive person than I was before but I want to be a strong, inspirational one too (I don't want much, do I?!!!). I want to be happy in my own company and I've spent the last few weeks wishing I could get away from me for a while. I used to be a happy, optimistic person and I intend to be again, asap.

This may all sound unrealistic and unachievable but I believe in myself. I've got everything to win and nothing but months or years of misery to lose. I've been a great believer in 'keep taking the body and the mind will come along with it in the end' for a long time.

I'm not going to force myself to smile, just gently encourage myself, from first thing in the morning onwards, then bask in any good feelings or pride in myself that comes with it. I am going to notice and revel in every positive feeling or action that I can manage and ignore everything else, as if it doesn't exist. This isn't about repression - it's about rewarding success and finding comfort, and having the courage and confidence to try and keep on trying.

I have managed to gently and patiently encourage profound and lasting changes in my horses, who love me for it and can't get enough of it, so there's no reason why it can't work for me too.

I had forgotten that the doctors and nurses were in admiration of me too. They said I should have someone with me but I told them it had always been just him and me and there was no-one else that I wanted there. They told me that I was a very strong lady because I did it all alone with courage and dignity, right to the end.

I always concentrate on the positives with my horses and ignore everything else and I've been doing the exact opposite with myself. My driving instructor has been telling me off every time for being so hard on myself. I try always to be kind and thoughtful of other people and yet have found it so hard to be kind and generous to myself.

Since I watched him die I have felt David to be totally and utterly lost to me but, since I decided upon my plan, I'm sure he's near again, cheering me on.

I used Cat Stevens and Donovan's music, David's favourites, for the funeral and one of them (can't remember which) wrote a song called 'Decide to be Happy'. Well, just as I decided some weeks ago that, no matter how bad things got I wasn't going to try to join David, I have now decided to be happy and I'm not going back.

There will be times of sadness I know but I refuse to do black despair anymore and I think it would be an insult to his memory and the love he gave me for me to do so.

He helped to make me the person I am now and, for him and for myself, I intend to be amazing!!!

I believe that there are always positives to be found in everything if you look hard enough and long enough. I am going to find them all and marvel in every one of them.

It isn't often in life that you get the chance to be amazing and I'm going to grab this one! Today is the first day of the rest of my life (trite but true!) and I'm going to make the most of every minute of it that I can!

2009-06-04T22:50:00.003+01:00

I can't imagine ever wanting another partner. There was never anyone before David so why would there be anyone after? I do feel the need to have a social life though, for the first time in my life. It will be easier when I can drive but I would like to meet more people.

I intend to build a whole new life for myself. This isn't the end for me, it's a new beginning, a new challenge, a chance to find out what I'm really made of. I've lived through the worst possible thing that could ever have happened to me and I'm still standing. I am capable of practically anything now!

I read somewhere that "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it."

Also that most people "live as though they'll never die then die as though they've never lived". I don't want to be one of them.

A poem that helps me. It's about horses, as you might guess, but I find it transferable.

Don't cry for the horses
by
Brenda Riley-Seymore

Don't cry for the horses
That life has set free
A million white horses
Forever to be
Don't cry for the horses
Now in God's hands
As they dance and they prance
To a heavenly band
They were ours as a gift
But never to keep
As they close their eyes
Forever to sleep
Their spirits unbound
On silver wings they fly
A million white horses
Against the blue sky
Look up into heaven
You'll see them above
The horses we lost
The horses we loved
Manes and tails flowing
They gallop through time
They were never yours
They were never mine
Don't cry for the horses
They will be back someday
When our time has come
They will show us the way
Do you hear that soft nicker
Close to your ear
Don't cry for the horses
Love the ones that are here.

And another:

Don't Think of Her as Gone Away by Ellen Brenneman

Don't think of her as gone away
Her journey's just begun
Life holds so many facets
This earth is only one

Just think of her as resting
From the sorrows and the tears
In a place of warmth and comfort
Where there are no days and years

Think how she might be wishing
That we could know today
How nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away

And think of her as living
In the hearts of those she touched
For nothing loved is ever lost
And she was loved so much!

My main inspiration is a friend of mine. I have watched and marvelled at the calm, quiet, caring way he leads everyone he works with. Softly spoken but utterly competent and reliable, his leadership is irresistible and everyone turns to him for guidance. He inspires trust, calmness and confidence in all of us and, since watching him in action with people, I am a better, more relaxed and beguiling trainer for my horses and for myself. He is living proof that compassion, empathy, competence and patient coaxing with gentle good humour are far more irresistible leadership qualities than brash assertiveness and loud attempts to dominate and control. He has shown me the way to win hearts and minds, of people and of horses.